6 Months
by Shawn30
Summary: Chapter 4B: Under the watchful eyes of the Scooby Gang, Spike endures the trials he believes will restore his manhood. Meanwhile, Faith makes a shocking discovery at her new boyfriends house that leads to a confrontation with Buffy and Xander. BX
1. Chapter 1

**Title: "6 Months"  
Chapter 1/7 Written by: Shawn**

**Summary: Life is so crazy sometimes.**

**Category: Romance/Humor Rated: R **

**Ship: Buffy/Xander?**

**Timeline/Spoilers: Everything up to the BtVS series finale "Chosen" is canon except Xander losing his eye. Outside of that it's my AU. Everything's explained in the story.**

**My personal archive: http/groups. Joss owns it all. I just let them out to play once in a while.  
Email: Notes 1: Willow, Buffy, Xander, Faith, and Dawn live in Cleveland, watching over the as-of-yet unopened Hellmouth. They are currently retired and living normal lives for once. Of course every now and then a vamp sighting might spur a patrol, but for the most part they're fighting the same every day struggles and frustrations as you or I.**

**Authors Notes 2: This story is for fun and laughs. Taking it any deeper will detract from enjoying it. In other words, read it when you're in a good mood or if you need to be put in one.**

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**Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding. --Diane Arbus**

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**Buffy's Apartment 321 Winchester Dr **

**Monday, September 17, 2005 1:35 AM Cleveland, Ohio**

There's nothing better in the entire world than a good night's sleep.

Liek when you find that perfect soft spot on your bed, or the cool side of your pillow, you feel like you've won the lottery. When the worlds quiet, and you're comfortable and warm as a hug from your Mom when you just got home from school. Attaining a good nights sleep was something people would do anything for, even going so far as to purchase very expensive beds that adjust positions and heating, as well as over the counter drugs that aided in providing a sound sleep.

Buffy Summers reveled in that she was always a sound sleeper. Once her head hit the pillow she was out like a light until morning. Her mom used to joke that she slept the sleep of the dead. The irony wasn't lost on her once she began fighting them. At the moment though, she's resting so deeply, curled on her side without a care in the world.

All except for the constant pounding on her front door. That potential murder victim had better cease trying to get her attention before she gave it to him or her courtesy of being thrown from the nearest window. "Go away," she slurred into her pillow, effectively pulling it over her head as she tried to mentally will the late night visitor from her front door.

No such luck.

Ten straight minutes of continuous knocking enraged her to the point of sleepily searching for a weapon to maim the person with. She rose from her bed slowly, blinking her eyes to focus in the darkness. She groaned loudly and swore under her breath as she begrudgingly left her bed behind, exited her bedroom, and stalked toward her front door. She managed to flip a light switch on the way. "Whoever you are, you had better be near death or when I open this door you're going to be."

Xander's grinning face and waving hand greeted her. His hair looked unruly, as did his clothes. He had some stubble working too.

"Hey."

Buffy slammed the door in his face.

Xander wasn't even surprised. "Hello to you too."

"Do you know it's," she glanced at her wall clock, "1:35 AM in the morning?"

"Yeah, I know it's a sucky hour to be stopping by, but I really need to talk to you. My plane landed a little less than an hour ago and I'm hyper on coffee. Can I come in?"

Damn him! Buffy sighed, having missed the big lug who's been in San Diego on business for the last two weeks. Seeing him wasn't a bad thing. Seeing him at this late hour was. Why couldn't he ever be normal? Then again, she wondered if she even knew what normal looked like anymore. "Xander, why not stop by in the morning when you could at least take me out for breakfast?"

Her whining softened his mood. "Uhm, Buff. I'm still out here in the hallway. It's kinda dark and creepy. I think I saw a stray cat stroll by."

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, with all the banging on the door I've already done and the talking to your front door I'm doing now, your neighbors might think you have a stalker. You know how those laundry room gossipmongers can be. With all their gossip mongering and such." Smiling to himself, he could practically hear the wheels turning in her mind. Ever since he got on his flight, through the flight and the second he got off he just had to get here, to her, as fast as he could. Finally, he heard the doorknob turn.

"You are so lucky I like you and know that you're insane, but only a little."

"I tell myself that all the time," he replied, shutting the door behind him. Okay, the moment of truth was here. First, he couldn't help but to be charmed by her cute mismatched sleeping attire of a white "Free Winona" t-shirt and plaid pajama pants. Secondly, the scowl she wore, solely directed his way, and told him he better tread carefully. A sleepy Buffy tended to be a dangerous one. "You look beautiful," he complimented, grinning wide.

"Reaaallly?" Buffy questioned him, hands on her hips, brow arched. "Is it my pancaked bed hair, or my lack of makeup that makes me so lovely this early in the morning? Perhaps it's this pizza stain on my PJ's? Or this little hole on the underarm of my t-shirt?" She fingered it for effect. "Come on, tell me, Xander? Why do I look so beautiful, hmmm?"

She wasn't going to make this easy, but then she never did. He wouldn't like her half as much as he did if she was any different. "I think you're beautiful because you're so short, and it's commonly known short women tend to be far lovelier than taller women. And I must say your ears are just phenomenal. I adore your ears. They turn kinda pink when you get mad. They're kinda pink right now."

Buffy fixed him with a glare that over a short period of time evolved into something of a smirk. Despite waking her from a deep sleep, she did miss him after all. Missed him every day he was gone. He didn't deserve to hear that at the moment. "Why are you here? I want answers now? They had better be good answers too." With her arms crossed, she watched him shuffle his feet a little, then take a long deep breath.

"Buffy, please sit down." Xander led her over to the couch. Thankfully, she complied, taking a seat. The pacing back and forth began soon afterwards. Wherever will he begin? He knew what he was going to do was crazy, but he had to try.

"Xander, so help me God if you don't start talking quick I am going to rip your eye brows off."

Not a pretty mental image. "Okay, alright. Enough with the violence and murder talk." He braced himself, looking her way. "My grandparents on my fathers side died when I was very young, but my moms father was alive until three days ago. He passed away and I was notified while I was in San Diego."

"I'm sorry," Buffy offered her sympathy.

Xander nodded his thanks. "Anyway, the last time I saw him was during our last year in Sunnydale. I haven't seen him since then, but I have written him a few letters. Back then, I visited him at the nursing home and we ended up talking for a couple of hours. I told him all about my job and how I had my own place and almost got married. He was proud of me. He truly loved my grandmother and told me things about their marriage I never knew. They had a pretty good one for thirty-something years. He also gave me a lot of insight on my parents and the problems they had. We never really got to know each other all that well, but we did make a connection that day. He told me I was the only grandchild that had visited him in almost two years. My mom hadn't been in five."

Buffy shook her head. "That's so sad."

"My family sucks, Buff. I've accepted that for a while now." She waited for him to continue. "But apparently good ole Grandpa Ron doesn't suck. See, he left a will behind."

"The plot thickens."

'You have no idea, but you will soon,' Xander thought to himself. "Yeah, see he had a will set up years ago, but I found out from his lawyer he had it changed a few days after I visited him that last time. It turns out he left every single member of his family off except me. He felt abandoned by them."

Having woken up fully, Buffy had to admit she was intrigued. Xander's pacing still had her a bit on edge. He looked far too nervous for the story he was telling. And the way he kept looking at her...

"Grandpa Ron knew about my moms troubles with alcohol and my dads. He tried to help both of them more than a few times, but they never listened. They thought he was trying to meddle in their lives rather than help them. When he got sick they just forgot about him all together. He was a pretty lonely guy for a lot of years."

"His kids sound a lot like my dad. I just never understood how anyone could act as if their loved ones didn't exist."

"Same here."

"Okay, so you get all his stuff, right?"

"Yeeaahh," Xander stretched that word a long way as he drew closer to the real reason he stopped by. "It turns out that when he turned eighty-five, one of his life insurance policies kicked in automatically. He received one hundred thousand dollars. He never told anyone, but had a few younger friends at the home that helped him invest his money. Two men who were in their late sixties that were former bankers. When my grandfather died a few days ago he was ninety one."

"Ninety one?" Buffy exclaimed. "Wow. He really drank his milk, didn't he?"

The first of his two major revelations couldn't be withheld any longer. "His net worth upon his death, due to what his lawyer called a windfall of good moves and accumulation over the last six years, was five million dollars."

As if the whole world slowed down almost to the point of stopping, Buffy heard what he said... heard the words... thought about them and what they meant... and then finally she leapt from the couch into his arms, rocking him her strong embrace. "YOU'RE RICH! OH MY GOD, YOU'RE RICH! NOW THAT WAS NEWS WORTH WAKING ME UP FOR! AND YOU BETTER NOT FORGET YOUR BEST PAL, BUFFY! THAT'S ME, YOU KNOW!"

He wheezed and coughed a bit.

"YOU'RE GONNA LOVE BEING RICH! I JUST KNOW IT!"

"...an't ...eath."

"Your Aunt Eve? I didn't know you have an Aunt Eve. Do you have to share the money?"

"Can't... breathe."

"Oh, my bad." Buffy released him, but held his hands, overjoyed for his good news and that he just had to see and tell her first. It made her and their friendship feel special. He slowly regained his normal breathing. "You okay?"

"I don't think there's any internal bleeding, so I'm good." She was smiling, so that was a good sign. Now he just had to deliver the big news. "Okay, Buff. Hold on a sec. I'm not rich... yet."

"But you said he left you everything, right?" He nodded. "Then what's the catch?"

"It's... it's funny you should mention that," he laughed nervously, pulling away from her so that he could pace the room again while she looked on. His hands raking through his hair now. "My grandfathers lawyer, Mr. Kyle Penis..."

"Penis? His last name is Penis?"

"Yes, it was even on the door plaque to his office."

"I pity him. I truly do."

"As do I. School had to have been horrible."

"Okay, on with the money talk."

"Mr. Penis..." they laughed again, and just had to take a moment and laugh again. "Mr. Penis read the will and it stated how proud my grandfather was of me and how impressed he was by me when we met. He said the three letters I wrote him meant the world to him and that he wanted me to have the life my parents never did. He wanted me to accomplish great things and be happy. He left me the money, but with one final stipulation."

"And that was?"

Suddenly, Xander sorely needed a drink. Buffy expectant face didn't have a clue what she was about to hear. "My grandfather truly loved his wife, and their relationship brought him more joy than anything else in his entire life. My grandmother meant the world to him. She died when he was seventy-eight, and he's missed her every day. He wants me to truly be in love when I take the inheritance so that I can have the best of both worlds. The stipulation in the will is that I will inherit the five million dollars after I have been married six full months and it is proven that me and my wife are truly in love."

Buffy stared directly into his brown eyes, and then burst out laughing. "Oh give me a break, Xander. Forgive me, but that sounds so stupid. What is this, a bad eighties movie plot? Tell me the truth."

"I just did," he said without a hint of joking. "Buffy, as soon as I'm married for six months, I get all the money at one time. It's no joke." Mustering up all of his courage and a little more he wasn't even sure he had, he walked over to Buffy, took her small right hand into his, and fell down to one knee. "I know this is crazy and wild and out of the blue, but this is the Looney Tunes hand life has dealt me. I know we're doing okay financially these days, but five million dollars is a ton of money. So here goes. Will you marry me for six months, and then when I get the inheritance I'll split it with you right down the middle? You'll get a cool 2.5 million for wearing a little gold band for six months. What do you say?"

She couldn't say anything because she was laughing so hard she had to sit down on the floor where he kneeled. She wrapped her arms around herself; her howling laughter went on and on.

"Buffy, please."

She collected herself and sat up next to him, smiling as she calmed down. She ran her hand along the side of his face, caressing his cheek. "Just before you left we both admitted something new was happening between us. Well that hasn't changed," she assured him with a tender gaze. "I want to take things really slow and at least have a first date and kiss with you. So you didn't have to create this elaborate story just to see if I was still interested or had changed my mind. Now I must admit this is all very sweet. You couldn't even wait until the morning to see me and I like that a lot." She sighed. "I like you a lot, Xander. So let the crazy story business go and lets talk in the morning about going on a real first date."

He's equal parts overjoyed and frightened. "I agree with everything you said and I really want to run around your living room, pumping my fist as if I just won the Super Bowl. But..." he trailed off. "My story is real."

"So you really will inherit five million dollars as soon as you are married six months?" Buffy sarcastically asked.

"Yep."

"From your deceased grandfather that no one knew was worth a couple of million for a while now?"

"Uh huh."

"And his lawyer, Mr. Penis, is handling all the arrangements?"

"Buffy, you came back from the dead twice. Is it so hard to believe I could inherit five million dollars?"

After a moments thought, she said, "Yes." Xander rolled his eyes. "Xander, this is insane, and you know it. Who places stipulations like that in their will? It's like a romance novel or something."

"I know, I know. Believe me, it's blowing my mind too. But think about it. We could split the five million dollars and do anything we wanted to do. Neither of us come from rich backgrounds. Things aren't getting cheaper. I know money isn't everything, but I believe that you have to snatch every opportunity that comes your way immediately." He took her hand again, and for the first time tonight, she seemed to be quietly contemplating if he was telling the truth. She knew he liked to joke and tease, but also when he was being serious. "Will you marry me?"

"Are you nuts?"

"That's not a yes."

"This can't be real."

"Call Mr. Penis in the morning. He's expecting your call. I told him you and I were engaged."

Buffy's mouth dropped open. "Hey, you assumed I would say yes!"

"I... I hoped."

It was kind of sweet and strange at the same time. And all too insane. "There's really a lawyer named Mr. Penis?"

"Yeah, Buff."

As if her life would ever be normal. Still, Xander wasn't one to wake people up in the middle of the night with wild lies. Buffy had to give him the benefit of the doubt. "Okay, I'll talk to this lawyer in the morning. In the meantime why don't you crash on my couch tonight. You look exhausted."

Xander exhaled, sitting on the couch now. "Thank you." Buffy stared at him, nodded, and then walked towards her bedroom. She turned on her heel at the last moment.

"Why me?"

Her question was the one and only he didn't have a prepared answer for. "I don't... I don't know."

He did. So did she. But this was all too soon and odd and just flat out madness. For now, Buffy had to admit that for him to think of her first did matter to her on some level. "Goodnight."

"Night, Buff." She disappeared into her bedroom while Xander collapsed back on the couch. Would their world ever be the same again? And why was he smiling as he fell asleep?

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**8:00 AM the next morning.**

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"Yes, Ms Summers. The will clearly states that after a six month period has passed, and it has been verified by a private investigator that the marriage is valid, Alexander Lavelle Harris will inherit the entire five million dollar estate."

Buffy listened intently as she typed in the name of the law firm Mr. Penis said he was a partner of. Sure enough, the firm had a website and was stationed in San Diego. More and more she found herself forced to accept that this was real, as insane as that was. "How exactly will the private investigator know if the marriage is real or not?"

"Ronald Styles had already chosen a firm he knew to be reputable. The kind that usually was hired by wives who suspected their husbands of cheating. The investigator will do what he does within the realm of the law. Alexander and his wife will be followed and there whereabouts monitored, but not in a truly invasive sort of way. No one will bug his home or plant video cameras or anything like that. He or she will simply insure that the stipulations of Ronald Styles will be met in full, and that his final wishes be carried out. As a matter of fact, if Alexander had already been married for six months, he'd have the entire inheritance in his hands today. But the will clearly states that if he marries after he is made aware of the will an investigator will be hired for the duration of the six months to insure Alexander's marriage is real."

Still clad in her sleeping attire, Buffy crossed her legs at her computer desk. "Doesn't that strike you as a odd request in this day and age?" The lawyer's Irish accent was prevalent even when he laughed softly.

"Ms. Summers, I have had far more odd requests than this. Things you could not imagine a sane, normal, mentally healthy adult would ask of another. It seems Mr. Styles simply wants his grandson to be happily married before inheriting the money. He's an old romantic, you see. A very good man who had a very old school outlook on life."

"I see."

"Ms. Summers, I hate to cut this call short, but I have other matters to attend to this morning. I hope I answered all of your questions to your satisfaction."

Buffy reclined at her computer desk, relieved, as she was genuinely surprised. However did situation come about? And could she actually marry her best friend? "Yes, you have. Thank you very much, Mr. Penis." She couldn't even muster up the amusement to chuckle. This was all so surreal, and that was saying plenty for the girl who once halted apocalypses on a regular basis.

"It was no problem at all, Ms. Summers. Mr. Harris indicated to me that you are a very close, personal friend of his who would need to speak to me personally. He didn't allude any further."

The assumption was on the tip of his tongue. Buffy knew that for sure, but didn't take the bait. "Thank you."

"It was my pleasure, Ms. Summers. If you have any further questions feel free to contact me at any time. Good day."

A soft click finished the call. Buffy pressed end, then sat her phone down next to the keyboard. All the while she was talking to Mr. Penis, and that in itself was just so strange to be conversing with a man whose last name was penis, she checked up on his law firm, it's address, his name, and their record with the Better Business Bureau. P.G.& R Law existed, all right. They'd been around for going on twenty years. Mr. Penis's picture was even on the website and matched Xander's description to a tee.

She shut her eyes and tried to think. On one hand, Xander didn't lie. Well, there was that one time with Angel, but that was for her own good. In the long run she'd come to understand that. Two, they haven't even had a date or a first kiss, and now they're expected to get married and live together and do the whole 'till death do us part until we're rich' bit. She loves him, but this is far above friendship.

Then again, he offered to split the money with her. Two and a half million dollars. A huge sum a money. More than she ever needed or thought would come her way. She could insure her and Dawn's future with that kind of money. She could quit her job working at the Youth Counseling Center and her part-time weekend gig teaching ladies self-defense. She could go back to college, or start a business, or anything else she wanted to try. Could she really pass up an opportunity like this?

"So what do you think?"

The familiar voice that came from behind her was a bit startling. It shook her from her inner thoughts. "I spoke to the lawyer. I can't find anything with his story or yours, or anything online about his firm that's not on the up and up," she had no choice but to face. "This is like a episode of the Twilight Zone."

"That's what I was thinking over the whole time I was in his office, on my way to the airport, and throughout my whole flight. I've been in some wacky situations before, and I'm used to my dates attempting to murder me, but nothing like this." Pulling up another chair, Xander sat alongside her.

Buffy meant to speak, but was shaken by the sight of a shirtless Xander, fresh from the shower and smelling so good, sitting beside her in only a pair of old faded jeans. His short dark hair looked damp, and was sticking up in places that made her want to affectionately brush it down. His appeal startled her, and she had to swallow a few times. "Yeah," she managed to say as she struggled to not follow that little bead of water cascading down his neck into the short, wiry hairs sprinkled about his broad chest. When did he develop this affect on her? He didn't seem to even realize it at all.

"Look, Buff," Xander began, shifting sideways to face her. "I know this is asking a lot of you."

"I never envisioned my first marriage proposal coming because of a big, fat inheritance."

"I certainly never thought I'd ask you under these circumstances."

She turned to him, curious. "So what circumstances did you imagine?"

"Well, I at least thought about a fancy restur..." He caught her eyeing him with a smirk that borderlined on naughty. Luckily, he caught himself just in time. "Funny, Buff. Real funny."

She shrugged. "I thought so."

"I don't believe money makes you happy. I get that. But money matters. This is the real world and if an opportunity like this comes your way to gotta Krazy-Glue yourself to it and not let go. I grew up poor as you could get without sleeping outside. I just can't let an opportunity like this get past me. I want it now so that I can help myself and my friends get the life we deserve. I'm not talking about fancy cars and big houses. I'm talking about choices. I can give us all choices with this money. Anything you've ever been interested in looking into, we'll have the money to try it. College, no problem. A business, why not? A strip club, who would blame me?" She laughed at that one. God, how he loves her laugh. At a little after 8:00 AM in the morning and still needing a shower, having not even run a brush through her hair yet, she was still captivating. "Look, I know we're not in love with each other right now?"

"We haven't even had a first kiss."

"But we'll get there," he offered with a longing he couldn't deny. For a moment he thought he saw the same in her eyes, then she quickly looked away. "Whatever's slowly developing between us doesn't have to end. But in the meantime we'll be selfish for the first time in a long time and take something for ourselves. Think of it as life granting us a reward for all our pain and suffering and world saving over the years."

She had to admit that sounded nice. "What if it ruins our friendship?"

"Then we'll be rich enemies." She kicked him, but not to hard, still hard enough to hurt. "Ouch times ten."

"I would love to stop mooching off Giles every now and then," Buffy considered with a nod. "Dawn needs a new car and so do I. Working two jobs isn't of the good either," she admitted. "It would be nice to get ahead for once."

"Wills wants to start her own business and Oz wants to record a full studio album with his band. They have a little buzz, but a little money would go a long way. And I wouldn't mind giving Faith that vacation she's always talking about. Plus, we could all surprise Giles one day in London."

"Now that would be fun." Her hands were soon enveloped in his, held between them, and the moment became real and... heartfelt.

"It's not like I don't love you," Xander confessed somewhat nervously, leaving his true meaning up for Interpretation. "I always have and I always will."

They're quite a pair, Buffy surmised, her eyes focused on their hands. The differences of size and shape. Of muscle and tone. He's so dear to her and the thought of somehow messing that up was terrifying. Then again, after almost ten years, was it even valid anymore to fear losing him? Was it even possible? And why did he look at her the way he did? A way that spoke of emotions far deeper than friendship. "I love you too."

"Then marry me?" he asked her again, grinning. "Marry me and let me make you filthy rich in six short months."

She smiled. "Then what?"

"What do you mean?"

"After six months, then what? We're rich, but we're still married. Then what?"

Deer in headlights expression. He hadn't honestly thought of that. Of course, that evil little voice in the back of his mind shouted things he wasn't quite capable of admitting just yet. "Then... you know... we can... or maybe we'd... see, I figured by then... uhm, it's possible that..."

Buffy found herself laughing at his discomfort. "It's okay. I haven't even said yes yet, so we're jumping the gun."

"Sooooo?" She squeezed his hands, and then stood to her feet.

"You're taking me out to breakfast. I want the very best breakfast ever. After I eat I'll make my decision." Neither moved right away, choosing the path of the unknown. The unpredictable pull that's only growing stronger.

With a last smile, Buffy let go of his hands and left the room.

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**Much later that day.**

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**Willow's apartment 1700 Clairmont **

**Monday, September 17, 2005 7:30 PM Cleveland, Ohio**

"Wha?"

"That's a curious turn of events."

"Damn, B! You sure move fast."

"So help me God if either of you are messing with my fragile emotional emotions I will resort to shoe throwing."

"Wha?"

"Willow, wha is not a word. The T in what isn't silent. Not that it matters a great deal to you right now."

"You two have been banging behind our backs, haven't you? Damn, I usually can pick up on these things."

"Is it possible my sister finally wised up to what's been in front of her for years? And why do I suddenly want to make sure you aren't a shape-shifter? What's my middle name?"

"Married? You're... you're getting married?"

"They said it three times so far. I do get the feeling that they're serious."

"Getting hitched is some kind of crazy. Why not shack up for a couple of months and see what's what?"

"I WANT THE FAIRY TALE!" Dawn shouted loudly for no real reason other than it bubbled right out of her mouth. All eyes in the room turned on her as she shrank back into the couch, folding her legs beneath her. "Carry on," she delivered in a meek tone and a wave. Holding hands as they had planned to do on the ride over, Xander and Buffy sat very close on the love seat, smiling as they detailed with the eloquence and confidence of a CIA agent captured by the enemy and interrogated under duress, how they had dated secretly for the last month, and that the week they spent apart underscored how they simply could not wait. Going back and forth, they talked about how last night, when Xander simply had to see Buffy as soon as he was back in Cleveland, and the subsequent day spent together made them realize that they didn't need a long courtship or engagement.

They're in love and getting married.

Not surprisingly, Dawn's pretty damn ecstatic about it, to the point of pacing the room with a silly grin on her face. Faith's eying the betrothed duo with a curious smirk, but seemed cool to the idea. The most interesting reaction so far of all came from Willow, who was flat out somber and quiet, answering only when asked or spoken too. Typically, Oz was nonchalant as ever, though on the inside Willow's behavior was bothering him. He just couldn't put his finger on why yet.

As the others all absorbed the announcement in, Buffy and Xander were mentally back flipping over how well things had gone so far.

Over a magnificent breakfast this morning, one that set Xander back thirty bucks, Buffy agreed to marry him. Said it while he had a mouth full of bacon. Oh happy day, indeed. She told him she made the decision while in the shower because the opportunity was simply too great to pass up and that they needed a plan. She called in to her job and took the day off work, as did he, and they brainstormed. First off, in the event that the private investigator followed or investigated Buffy's sister or their closest friends, the fear that one of them might accidentally slip up was too great a risk to take. So the decision was made to keep everything a secret from everyone for the duration of the six months. They'd understand afterwards when the checks were handed out and the cash-spending fun began. For now, they would be allowed to bask in the Xander-Buffy love fest and see it for the epic romance that it was.

As quirky as ever, they have dubbed their fraudulent union "Operation Lindsey Lohan." Named after the not so talented, but oh so well endowed actress whose boobs were as fake as their marriage will be. "Operation Lindsey Lohan" has begun.

"I know this is all pretty sudden, and will take some getting used too," Xander said with his arm draped over Buffy's shoulder. "But we're very happy and we just want all of you to be happy for us. Joyful, even. Full of the wonder and excitement and pageantry of the fantastic journey we're about to undertake. We want to share the fullness of our love with..." The elbow gently prodded into his side courtesy of his fiancée stalled his rambling.

"Believe me, I didn't see this coming," Buffy offered truthfully, turning to Xander with a little grin and a wink. "But trust me. Getting married is the right and best thing to do for all of us."

"Don't you mean you and Xander?" Faith corrected, eyeing her closely... and curiously.

"Oh, yeah," the blonde Slayer laughed it off. "I don't know where my head was at. I must be overwhelmed with love." It sounded sappy, but that's usually how people are when they get engaged. She just hoped everyone bought it.

As sickeningly sweet as the scene was, Dawn had to admit she'd hoped for it for a long time now. From the moment she noticed the spark between them she wanted it to lead somewhere. She had no idea it would lead here. "I can't wait to help you guys plan for the wedding. Sis, we are going to have so much fun."

"Uhm, Dawn?"

"I will insure we do not where sucky bridesmaids dresses."

"Dawn..."

"I will use style that will rival Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Just watch me mix and match colors and fabrics."

"Dawn, listen." Buffy painted on her most apologetic expression. She didn't like disappointing her sister, but in this case it was unavoidable. "There's not going to be any planning for a wedding." Suddenly, a hush fell over the room. "Xander and I are getting married at City Hall tomorrow."

You could hear a pin drop in the living room. Literally.

"Tomorrow?" Willow simply could not believe with such emotion that it surprised her as well as everyone else in the room. She looked instantly crestfallen. "You have got to be kidding me?"

"Sorry, Wills. Buff and I were ripping and running around all day to get things together for tomorrow's happy day. We want to get it done quick and painless. No pomp and circumstance, not that I know what that is," he shrugged. So did Faith. "We're doing this for us and we want it done. So tomorrow, if you can all schedule to go into work late, you can be with us to share our momentous occasion."

Faith stretched her arms out, then behind her head. "What about the G-man, B? If you ever got hitched, and all bets in this group was that it wasn't gonna ever happen..."

"WHO BETTED!" Buffy shouted, gazing around the room with accusation in her eyes. Dawn looked away. Willow looked away. Oz looked at her and shrugged. Faith smirked. Xander was looked far away. He got another elbow for that one. "Look, I'll call Giles tonight and talk with him. I know he'll be shocked, but we'll make it up to him. For now, Xander and I need to do this for us. I hope you all support us."

The next twenty minutes of teasing and joking were lost on Willow. She wasn't sure why the news of her best friends impending nuptials were wrecking havoc with her emotions the way that they were. It just felt wrong, somehow? Out of place. Or maybe deep down she felt out of place. She couldn't make heads or tails of what was going on with her, but she did feel Oz's questioning stare find her ever so often. When he relocated to Cleveland six months ago they slowly rediscovered their friendship and maybe even a little more than that. A slow build for sure, but her current Bi status allowed it.

And now this.

She felt guilty for not feeling overwhelmed with joy over her friend's good news. She felt guiltier for giving Oz the wrong idea, or some form of it at least. It's just that every time Buffy and Xander looked at each other and smiled, or kissed the other on the cheek she felt... uneasy. Almost a little angry. Watching them flirt in recent weeks was cool, as it was taking a long time and she was sure by the time they realized they were perfect for each other she'd be cool with it. But this...

"Okay guy and sexy gals," Xander addressed the room, rising to his feet. "I shall order dinner for all of us and pay. We shall celebrate with a high fat, high cholesterol, and good tasting meal. Cheesy fries will be a part of said meal." He looked to his oldest friend, wanting a moment alone with her. "Wills, care to go over some menus in your kitchen?"

That was their secret signal for wanting to talk to the other without anyone else around. She gave a nod, and followed him into the kitchen. A passing glance at Buffy could have almost been described as a glare, though the Slayer didn't seem to notice.

Soon, Buffy found herself being hugged tight by her sister, complete with the arms wrapped around her neck. "Hey, what's with the affection?"

"I'm happy for you. I mean it's not every day you actually go for the guy with a pulse."

"Hey! Riley had a pulse," Buffy defended herself.

"Riley left you for a jungle, B. You ran after his helicopter like you were on crack," Faith pointed out. "You set feminism back a hundred years. And I don't even know what feminism is exactly."

Dawn thoroughly enjoyed the playful taunting sent her sister's way. "Yeah, you played yourself on that one, sis." She sat up straight, looked towards the ceiling and chanted, "Riiillleeeyyyy!"

At that moment Buffy realized she hadn't given Dawn a good choking in quite a while. "It wasn't like that at all. I still had my dignity and my pride. And I didn't run after Riley's helicopter. I jogged briskly."

Eyes rolled all around the room.

A man of few words, Oz enjoyed his old friends more than he ever told them. He felt a part of their family again, and that meant a great deal to him. Added to that was the newness brewing between him and Willow. Something intricately sweet as their high school romance, yet tinged with the years past and the people they were now.

And in the span of one heartbeat and the next, Oz saw that special perfect gleam in her eyes fade away into nothing over the announcement of her friend's marriage. That didn't set well with him at all. In fact, it felt all too familiar.

* * *

Leaning his back to the sink, Xander considered his oldest, dearest friend. Beautiful, brilliant, and older in a way that only appealed to him more. Her auburn hair worn longer than he'd seen her wear it before. In truth, she was who she had always been. His rock. His confidant. His most reliable and needed support system. And the first person he ever loved, and still did so much today. But something's off here. Something out of rhythm with her.

Willow sat at the kitchen table glossing over a stack of restaurant menus. She looked none to pleased, and he knew it didn't have anything to do with their possible choices for dinner. "You think I'm making a huge mistake, don't you?"

Looking up, she bit her tongue on the quick, biting first reply that threatened to slip out. Instead, she thought over her words. "You haven't dated Buffy for very long. And you know good and well sex doesn't equal love."

She meant well and was right. Only, she didn't have the five millions reasons for marrying Buffy that he did. Then again, that was somewhat a lie in itself. It wasn't just the money that had him giddy today. He just hid it well. "I've known Buffy for almost ten years now. I know everything about her. I just don't see the reason for a long engagement."

"But why so soon? That's what doesn't make sense to me."

How to answer that? Xander ran his fingers through his hair. "It's complicated."

"I'm pretty smart, you know."

The first time he saw her smile all evening long. Xander walked over and sat across from her at the table, his hands in his lap. "I love her." Something flickered behind the eyes of his best friend, and then she sighed. That left him with an uneasy feeling. He again pledged to make this all up to her big time once the money came. "Do you remember when we were ten years old and I had that blue and silver bike with the lightening bolt on it?"

Of course she did, and the memory of days on end riding with him and Jesse from sun up to sun down came back to her. "You thought that was the greatest bike of all time."

"Becasue it was," he pointed out, grinning. "Anyway, do you remember we rode up to Millers Meadow, and I never wanted to ride through the trail?"

Her mood softened as they were taken back to yesteryear when it was only them and Jesse. "That bike path wasn't scary at all."

"It looked like the woods to me, and I always thought if I got lost or seperated from you guys I'd be stuck there and no one would find me. It took two whole months for you to get me to ride that path." They shared a laugh and the memory. "And do you know why I finally did it?"

"Because Jesse threatened to tell everyone in our class how much of a scaredy cat you were?"

"No."

"Because you couldn't take being afraid to do something a girl wasn't afraid to do?"

"Not even."

"Because Jesse promised to give you that Playboy magazine he stole from his father's drawer if you did it?" She watched him mull it over. Her same ole Xander. He shook his head. "I give. What made you do it?"

Leaning over the table, he said with an unmistakable affection for her alone, "You told me to trust you."

Of course it all made sense to her now. The story and the memory. He was asking her to trust him now. And even though the circumstances were night and day apart, as well as many years of serious, he's only asking for her trust. Sighing, she still didn't feel right about things, but she could at least give him this. At least until she fully understood what it was she was feeling herself. "Can I be your best woman?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way." Both looked up when Oz peeked inside the kitchen. He looked a bit disturbed.

"The girls are discussing tampons. I felt it was time to exit the room."

"Say no more, my friend. There will be no tampon discussion here," Xander assured him.

Willow rose from her chair, walked around and placed a kiss on Xander's cheek. "I'm gonna go talk tampons. You guys order dinner. And don't forget the cheesy fries."

"One hips widening dinner coming right up."

Just as Willow graced past him, Oz whispered, "Are you alright?"

"I suppose," was her only answer with a timid smile. She exited the kitchen.

Oz didn't know if he should feel better or worse.

* * *

**Two and a half hours later**

* * *

As the elevator doors shut Buffy hi-fived Xander so hard his hand reeled back in slight pain. She watched him try to massage feeling back into it. "My bad."

"It's cool. The important thing is they all bought it hook, line, and sinker." Another gentler hi-five, followed by a tender hug. They were excited and more as the reality of what they were about to undertake managed to sink in. Tomorrow they were getting married, and in six months they'd split five million dollars. As the day wore on the thoughts of being rich began to look better and better and better...

"They are all going to go stark raving nuts when they learn the truth"  
"That's why we should tell them at the Mercedes Benz dealership. I feel that while buying them new cars they will forgive our deception faster and easier."

"I concur."

The elevator doors opened as Xander stepped aside, extending his hand. "You first, oh wonderful fiancée."

Buffy strolled by almost doing a little dance. How bad could it be to live with Xander for six months and then become rich? Not bad at all, she surmised. Plus, he offered to cook dinner and take out the trash. A small part of her considered keeping him after the six months. The juries still out on that one. "Let's go home, Xan."

He'd be lying through his teeth if he said that hearing her refer to her apartment as their home didn't have him floating on air. Operation Lindsey Lohan was set to begin, and he wondered if he was so lucky as to have life reward him not once, but twice.

Being rich would be fantastic. But what if they fell in love? He had to admit he liked the idea and more than a little looked forward to the possibilities.

* * *

**The End of Chapter 1**

**Chapter 2: Nuptials, domestic life, and that first crazy month.**


	2. Newlyweds

**Title: "6 Months"  
Chapter 2/7 Written by: Shawn**

**Summary: Nuptials, domestic life, romance, and that first crazy month.**

**Category: Romance/Humor Rated: R mostly, but eventually NC-17 **

**Ship: Buffy/Xander**

**Timeline/Spoilers: Everything up to the BtVS series finale "Chosen" is canon except Xander losing his eye. Outside of that it's my AU. Everything's explained in the story.**

**My personal archive: http/groups. Joss owns it all. I just let them out to play once in a while.  
Email: Notes 1: Willow, Buffy, Xander, Faith, and Dawn live in Cleveland, watching over the as-of-yet unopened Hellmouth. They are currently retired and living normal lives for once. Of course every now and then a vamp sighting might spur a patrol, but for the most part they're fighting the same every day struggles and frustrations as you or I.**

**Authors Notes 2: This story is for fun and laughs. Taking it any deeper will detract from enjoying it. In other words, read it when you're in a good mood or if you need to be put in one.**

**When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out. by Elizabeth Bowen (1899-1973)**

**...A simple I love you means more than money... by Frank Sinatra**

**Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first.  
Billy Sunday**

* * *

**Day 1**

* * *

**City Hall 5th floor, Room 5-D 601 Lakeside Ave E Tuesday, September 18, 2005 9:25 AM Cleveland, Ohio**

Now this was the good stuff.

Buffy vaguely heard the monumental words 'You may now kiss the bride' approximately two seconds before Xander kissed her softly. In some strange part of her mind she felt it made perfectly good sense that their first kiss ever should come on the day they were married.

But that was the last of her coherent thoughts.

When his strong arms wrapped around her slim waist she surprised herself by the eagerness she kissed him with. There wasn't a moment of hesitation, and whether that was due to the real reason that they were getting married or some deeper wish fulfilled at least, she didn't ponder it too much. There was such a lush quality to the mesh of their lips and the sensations were simply wonderful.

They shared one amazingly pleasurable first kiss.

Having dreamed of this moment for so many years, Xander half-expected his fantasies to not live up to reality, as was often the case. Just not the case here. Finally, Buffy was where he had always wanted her to be and he was kissing her as deeply as he had ever wanted. She seemed to fit in his embrace as if she were born to be there, and some small part of him felt that she was. She tasted of Spearmint gum and something naturally sweet. Something uniquely Buffy-esq. Something he richly enjoyed.

Exactly six months from this very date Buffy and Xander were going to become millionaires. Never mind their first kiss came inside a crowded courtroom that usually catered to the trials of murderers, thieves, and those who committed fraud. This moment was magical in it's own way and so they just kept right on kissing passionately as champagne wishes and caviar dreams echoed in their thoughts.

They nearly emptied their checking accounts in bribing three people to set all this up inside of twenty-four hours. Issues of right or wrong aside, money still made the world go round and almost everyone had a price. Luckily, they found the people who did and had just enough cash to forgo the necessary things needed to arrange a quick marriage.

They plotted things out perfectly from 5:30 AM this morning until Buffy picked up her very nice white wedding dress with Dawn by her side. Willow, Faith, and Oz met Xander in the lobby at City Hall this morning. Nervousness was faked to a degree as they played their parts like a couple of seasoned Broadway actors on opening night.

So far, so good.

They were the first couple at 9:05 AM and the ceremony went by pretty smoothly. Buffy and Xander picked up their wedding bands the night before, so when they arrived here this morning they were more than prepared and ready to begin this grand adventure. They were six months away from being rich and that excitement carried over to how they acted when they saw one another for what the others thought was the first time since last night. Glee over stacks upon stacks of future money was thought to be over the greatest expression of their love.

Whatever worked best, they smiled secretly.

With her small hands framing his clean-shaven face, Buffy knew that her lips had never felt so sensitive as they did just before his sealed them as one. A sense of light-headedness came over her as she gave into his need that left her breathless. She had seen him kiss before and figured he was probably a better than average kisser. Well that thought flew right out of the window now as his tongue thoroughly massaged hers and left her thinking naughty Xander-thoughts. Okay, it wasn't the first time she'd had them in recent months. But today...

The boisterous laughter, whooping and clapping caused Xander to gently end the sweet kiss as their friends cheered them on. He simply could not steer his gaze away from his new wife's lovely hazel eyes, or the sweetest smile he had ever seen on her face, or the plump look of her lips after his tender plundering. She was so much more than simply beautiful today. She was luminous. "Hello Mrs. Harris. It's a pleasure to meet you," he just had to say.

"Hello Mr. Harris. It's good seeing you again," Buffy teasingly replied while thoroughly enjoying his infectiously good mood. He looked so handsome today and she couldn't get over that fact. Here was her very best friend who was now her husband. Of all the strange twists and turns her life had taken, this one had to take the cake. Still she couldn't quite pinpoint why she wasn't afraid. "We got married." Xander nodded really fast like a cartoon character. Buffy laughed, "We actually got married."

"We have the paperwork to prove it. And these cool gold bands on our fingers. They match you know."

"Now comes the all-day long consummation bang-bang," Faith shouted loudly when she snuck between the blushing newlyweds and slipped her arms around their shoulders. Their collective shy smiles intrigued her. "You gonna video tape it?"

"No!" Buffy replied, and then shooed her away to hug her sister and then Oz. "A wedding night fun should not be videotaped. And if it is it should become the knowledge of friends," she winked at the Slayer.

"Bitch." Willow playfully glared at Faith. "What?"

Paying the brunette Slayer no mind, Xander hugged Willow and even swung her in a little circle. He could still pick up some residual tension in her, and had from the moment they saw each other this morning. It wasn't that she had a problem with Buffy and him being together. He knew that much. But something else was bothering her. "It's gonna be okay."

"You better know what you're doing," Willow whispered into his ear, and then pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Aside from that, congratulations. You are now the ball and Buffy is the chain."

Xander smooched her cheek. "You have such a way with words."

"Okay everyone, stand back and let me snap some pictures for Giles." With her digital camera in hand, Dawn motioned for everyone to get out of the way while Xander and Buffy pulled together again. "You know sis, of all the times I've imagined you being in a courthouse I never thought you'd be wearing white. I was thinking prison orange." Buffy angry grimace was perfect and the first pic she snapped. "Haha. Giles's is gonna love that one."

"Be nice to my wife, D." Xander gently warned and then kissed Buffy's forehead. She leaned into him. He didn't notice Willow feet shuffling or that Oz seemed a bit impatient, mostly due to Willow mood. "Make it quick, Dawn. We're not the only couple getting married here today." The courtroom was kinda packed already.

"Okay, alright."

Dawn snapped away while Faith observed the newly married couple very closely. She was more than a little happy for both of them, but still couldn't shake this feeling of... she didn't have a name for it. But something was just a bit out of place here. She could tell this was a very happy occasion for her friends but felt there was something more just below the surface. This all happened just a little too fast. Her gut told her someone was hiding something and Faith always listened to her gut. It also told her she needed some breakfast and soon.

Buffy glanced at her watch, and then whispered something in Xander's ear. "Okay everyone, thank you all for coming. We love you all dearly for sharing this special occasion with us. Alas, all good things must come to and end and this special occasion has."

Xander quickly added, "Our marriage is good and legal now." Buffy's gentler poke of her elbow into his side set him straight. "The paperwork on our wedding is done and we need to get to a Office Max right now. See, uhm... see you guys tomorrow or something. Uhm, love, peace and soooulll." He took Buffy hand, raced to the secretary holding their paperwork, took the paperwork from her and then ran out of the courtroom towards the nearest elevator without even looking back.

"They are so gonna bang the day away," Faith thought to herself, grinning. Dawn made a face of non-caring, but was still happy for them. Oz yawned from having to be up so early. Willow simply stared at the direction they ran off in and wondered why she felt like this on the day her two closest friends were married she somehow lost them both. And she didn't like that feeling at all.

**Day 1 continued**

**Buffy's Apartment 321 Winchester Dr Tuesday, September 18, 2005 10:45 AM Cleveland, Ohio**

A hungry Slayer was an impatient one.

As soon as the elevator doors opened Buffy bounded out and down the hall. In one hand was a big bag of McDonalds breakfast goodies and in the other were her house keys.

"STOP RIGHT THERE, BUFFY! WAIT A SECOND! DON'T YOU DARE OPEN THAT DOOR!"

The Slayer winced. Xander's shouting would no doubt become the new talk of the laundry room gossip mongers. Buffy knew that for sure. Alas, the constant growling of her stomach caused her not to care. She stood in front of the door to her apartment and waited for her new hubby to catch up. "Can we get a move on? I'm starving here."

As soon as Xander reached her, he plucked the house keys from her hand, quickly found the right one, and then proceeded to open her front door. "Have I told you how beautiful you look today?"

"Yes and thank you," Buffy replied softly with the makings of a blush clouding her cheeks. "Can we please goohhhhh! ... Hey, what are you doing?" Xander scooped her off her feet that very second, all the while grinning like a little boy on Christmas morning. She knew what this was about. "And I thought we were bucking tradition."

"Oh, you want to do some bucking?" His eyebrow wiggle was greeted with a rolling of her eyes. "I don't think it hurts to start things off right."

Carrying his new bride the three steps it took over the threshold into her... their new apartment was kinda fun and sweet. He had high hopes that in the midst of their six-month plot she wouldn't forget what was building between them before it began. He certainly had no intention of letting her forget.

He also hadn't put her down yet.

Sighing against his shoulder as she held the greasy bag of food away from her dress, Buffy had to admit it was nice being held in his strong arms. The way he smiled left her a bit breathless, but in a good way. She felt special and not many men had left that impression before. "You can set me down now."

"Oh yeah. My bad." He did as she asked and then took a bashful step backward with hands in his pockets. He hated feeling nervous in her presence and hadn't since way back in high school. Of course she was Buffy Summers then and not Buffy Summers-Harris the way she was now. "The six months have officially begun."

Silently she was pleased he turned things back towards 'Operation Lindsey Lohan.' That loosened the tension that had crept in. "We faxed our brand spanking new marriage license over to Mr. Penis's office and he signed his end of the paper work for your Grandfathers will. I think a high fat, high cholesterol, heart attack waiting to happen sort of breakfast to celebrate is in order." She handed him the bag, turned around, and then walked towards her bedroom.

"Where are you going?"

"To change clothes. I'm not going to sit around all day in my wedding dress."

"You wouldn't by any chance need a hand in taking it off, would you? Zippers are getting advanced and tricky these days. An extra set of hands might come in handy."

Buffy's glare was anything but mean spirited. In fact, it was down right flirty. "You wish."

When she was out of sight Xander sighed under his breath, "Every night."

First things first. A quick trip to her kitchen and he brought two tall glasses of orange juice back to the living room. Arranging their first breakfast as newlyweds on the oak table in front of her sofa was cool in a strange way. A giddy sort of energy surged throughout his body for so many reasons.

He's a married man. Married to Buffy. Married to a Slayer. Married and stuck with someone forever, or at least as long as they could stand it each. Okay, so technically they're married until the check clears, but that didn't mean he wasn't holding out hope for something more. He knew he just had to take things slowly.

In as good a mood as he had been in years, Xander whipped off his suit jacket and hung it up, then kicked his shoes across the floor in a manly way. This was his new home. He might as well make himself at home.

As expected, Buffy and Xander took the day off of work and planned to spend it going over how they were going to co-inhabit her apartment. As amazing as their friendship was they had never lived together before. At least not somewhere all alone. This was going to take some getting used to. In addition, that private investigator was still going to be watching them for the duration of the six months, so they had to prepare for looking every bit the married couple outside of closed doors. They would never know what the investigator looked like or when he or she would be following them. They had to keep on their toes and that took practice.

Turning his attention away from the McDonalds bag, Xander managed to hold off his hunger in some gesture of honor to his new wife. He could wait until she came back before eating. He knew he could.

As often as her life resembled 'The Twilight Zone', Buffy stared at herself in the bathroom mirror and recited her new name over and over, trying to work the kinks out of saying it. Boy oh boy what had she gotten herself into?

Xander's nosy side took over as perused her DVD collection and found it was lacking male testosterone in every way. He would make sure that changed in the near future. A healthy dose of Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes, and the Lord of the Rings trilogy would see to that.

Buffy realized she had been standing in front of her bedroom mirror for ten minutes critiquing her comfortable blue jeans and t-shirt ensemble. But why was she concerned if she looked good in it or not?

The new Mrs. Harris didn't need to know he scarfed down one hash brown. Xander hid the offending wrapper evidence inside the bag. She'd never be the wiser.

Pushing her 'Cleveland's Sexiest Naked Firefighters 2005' calendar under her mattress, Buffy figured Xander didn't need to deal with unfair comparisons to men with perfect forms. His was nice enough as it was. Nicer than she cared to admit.

"BUFFY! COME ON!"

Ah, the sound of a whining man in her home. Now that was going to take some getting used to. Buffy left her bedroom and joined him on the sofa. "Let's dig in and discuss how we're going to make this marriage work." It was nice in a funny sort of way how she didn't have to pour her morning orange juice because their was a full glass right in front of her. For the self-professed 'Queen of Independence,' she liked how he knew what she wanted without her having to ask. Maybe having Xander around full-time wouldn't drive her insane before she became rich after all.

Upon reaching inside the McDonalds bag, the very first thing Buffy pulled out was a balled up hash brown wrapper. "Did they leave this in there?" she stared at the offending object. Her husband seemed to want no part in even acknowledging what she held in her hand. That spoke volumes. "You ate before me?"

"No... No, of course..." Okay, lying to her ninety minutes after marrying her wasn't a good way to begin wedded bliss. "You took too long and... and I needed some potatoey sustenance."

"Potatoey?"

"My vocabulary is unique, okay."

"Potatoey?"

"Are we having our first fight? Because if we are then I'll let you win." The Slayer glared at him for real this time.

"So you don't think I could win an argument with you on my own unless you let me win?"

All Xander could think of was why did they need Dr. Phil before they had even had sex yet? When in doubt it was always good to begin an unsure answer with a caring endearment. "Honey, I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted." They were being silly and Buffy knew that. She pulled her Big Breakfast container out of the bag and then handed him his three Sausage, Egg and Cheese McGriddle's. "I will never understand why you are so in love with those pancake sandwiches."

"Says the woman who won't buy Count Chocula cereal because he's fangy. And he only has one fang."

"He's a vampire. I'm a vampire Slayer. Do you think he would buy a box of Slayer Puffs? I think not."

"I certainly wouldn't have a problem eating your Slayer Puff." Of course he knew how naughty that sounded and of course Buffy waited until his sheepish grin arrived. He sincerely wished his brain and common sense were more in sync when he spoke. "I meant that I'm sure any cereal designed around the essence of being a Slayer would be nutritious and delicious." Hearing his wife laugh at him wasn't so bad at all. She had a wonderful laugh. "Maybe it would have some little marshmallow stakes and tombstone stickers inside the box." She's just shaking her head at him. "Oh, and if you send in ten proof of purchases to the Watchers Council you could get a Slayer watch with swords for the little hands."

"Hush and eat your breakfast." He's her very best friend and now her Xander-shaped husband. He was also a bit nuts, but at least he was a lot of fun to be around. "Let's talk sleeping arrangements."

"Whatever side of the bed you don't sleep on is cool with me."

"I was thinking..." Buffy patted the sofa while smiling. His eyes widened a little, but he didn't put up a fuss. They had agreed on taking baby steps toward... each other. Sleeping in the same bed every night wouldn't look anything like baby steps.

"This sofa will be fine." Feeling a bit adventurous, Xander added, "I'll make it to the bed eventually."

He refused to look at her after he said that and she was grateful. Her flush would have given away her own amorous thoughts. "As you can see I don't have a great deal of room here. How much stuff are you bringing over from your place?"

"Unless you want me walking around all day naked..."

"Not an option."

"Then I'll be bringing all my clothes and maybe five boxes of stuff. Pictures, movies, CD's, my favorite coffee mug, some comic books, my computer, and my XBox."

"I'm sure we can pack all of that stuff somewhere. How about your furniture and TV and stuff?"

"It's all going into storage. And after six months it's all going to the Salvation Army as I will buy all new and expensive cool stuff for my big new house."

The money was going to be a shock to both of their systems. Buffy almost had to pinch herself just to remember that she's going to be a millionaire in six months. "I too will donate all my crap to charity and buy new expensive crap." She nodded behind a mouthful of syrupy pancake while he chewed his sandwich.

"I have to hit the phones today and get all my mail forwarded here. You've got to get the name change thing going on your mail. And I figured I should have at least one home bill in my name. I'll take over your Direct TV account. Is that alright with you?

Impressive, Buffy admitted to herself. "Yeah, that's fine by me. I honestly hadn't thought about having to change my mail over to the Summers-Harris name."

Despite their open and honest friendship, Xander didn't feel he could share with her just yet the elation he knew he would feel when mail began coming in Buffy Summers-Harris name, or when the phone rang and someone asked for her by that name. Maybe someday.

They settled into a comfortable quiet while finishing breakfast. Some easily ignored news program played on the television, providing background noise to the conversations each of them were having in their respective heads. It was no small thing at all that they were married today. To each other no less. What a crazy adventure they've embarked on.

"Thanks for marrying me."

"You're welcome." Buffy regarded her new husband for a tender moment. Their arrangement was as wacky as it was fraudulent. Nonetheless, it looked like it could turn out to be a whole lot of fun. And maybe even more than that. "I will be controlling the TV. You understand that, right?"

"Uhm, I was hoping we'd share and compromise like other married couples do."

"We can share closet space and compromise on the grocery shopping. But there is only one lord and master of the TV, and that is I."

"You're a mean wife."

He actually had the nerve to pout. She actually thought it was kind of cute. She knew she was in trouble if he could get to her that easily. "I take dibs on Sunday nights. I can't live without my Desperate Housewives fix."

Compromise, thy name was Buffy. Xander leaned over and smooched her cheek. "I want Mondays. I need my football. And that really cool, funny, amazingly acted show on Fox called Kitchen Confidential. "

"Seth is really cute on that show," Buffy nodded. "I want Wednesdays. I must have my 'Lost'."

"Give me Saturday afternoons for college football and you can have the rest of the week." He extended his hand to offer the deal.

"Done." She shook his hand and that was that. It wigged her out that she really liked his hands. He had sexy hands. Anyway, with breakfast done and their personal arrangements set, she was in the mood for some fun. "I think it's time we window shopped online for some luxury cars. How about you?"

"I'm with you all the way, Mrs. Harris."

That was the second time he had called her that. Called her by her new name. The one that joined them. She hadn't expected the butterflies in her tummy. Or the flood of warmth that washed over her. "Come on."

Before Buffy even stood up Xander rushed ahead of her and sat down in the chair in front of the computer desk. She stood beside him, arms crossed, and glared for the third time this morning. "That's my chair."

"I was here first."

"I bought that chair."

"We're married now. So what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours. Ergo, this chair is as much mine as it is yours."

"I can lift you out of that chair and throw you, thus crushing your male pride. Do you want that?" He fixed a lopsided grin her way, and then reached out and grabbed her wrist. He gently tugged her across his lap. Before she could even struggle he had one arm secured around her waist. He scooted forward close enough so that he could type. "Xander..."

Holding her like this, so close he could feel the warmth of her breath on his cheek, he pulled her even closer, tempting fate. "Do you have a problem with this?"

The hidden challenge in his voice wasn't going to go unanswered. He didn't 'get' to her. Not at all. Not in the least. Instead of getting up, she slipped one arm around his neck and leaned into him. She had to admit this felt better than nice. It felt right. "I want to look at the Mercedes."

"Thy wish is my command." Xander did a quick Google search and found the Mercedes Benz official site. "Here we go."

"I want to look at their roadsters. Go there first." He did as he was told and she smiled at that. Good hubby. "See that!" she pointed at the screen with her finger. "The 2006 SL500 Roadster. I am in love with that car. That automobile is my destiny. I must have that car!"

The price tag left Xander flabbergasted. "It costs $93.000."

Buffy shrugged. "Am I not worth $93.000?"

Uh oh. Trick question time. Xander didn't miss a beat. "You're worth a hundred times that; but my goodness, that car costs an arm and a leg and a back and some knees and just about your whole body."

"Tell me you aren't going to buy that $7.000 dollar 50' inch Sony Plasma screen TV?"

"Well..."

"Exactly. And for the record, no one with a life needs a seven thousand dollar TV."

"And you need a $93.000 car?"

"I would look good in it."

"You look good in everything, Buffy."

"Aww, that's so sweet." She pressed a brief smooch on his cheek and watched the cutesy grin spread across his face. "I'll look even better in that Mercedes."

They surfed the net for the next fifteen minutes perusing things they wanted to buy when they were filthy rich in six months time. Buffy was nestled comfortably on Xander's lap and in his arms. She didn't even know her head was resting on his shoulder until it was while they were looking at furniture. Couple that strangeness with the fact that they were shopping for something they both liked rather than what they wanted for their individual new homes.

They never said a word about that.

The affection and intimacy of lying in his arms wasn't lost on Buffy. When it came to men, especially in recent years, there were fragments of this and that, but nothing that drove the loneliness away. Nothing that made her contemplate falling in love. "This is fun."

"What is?"

"Shopping with you."

"Yeah, it is kinda fun to shop when you know that in six months you can buy whatever you want."

"I meant shopping with 'you' is fun."

He was hoping that was how she meant it. With her eyes focused on the monitor his were focused on her. As beautiful as she looked in her wedding dress, she was even more alluring sitting on his lap with her faded 'Sunnydale High' T-shirt, blue jeans, white socks, and her hair pulled back in a loose ponytail.

She was captivating in casual. Holding her was his way of adoring her, and he hoped in some small way she felt that. Of course things between them was going to take a while and today was only their first day. None of that kept him from dreaming of a life with her.

Meanwhile Buffy felt his attention drawn away from their fantasy world-wind spending and towards her alone. His hold tightened around her waist in a possessive way she enjoyed. The solid frame of his body felt nice to cuddle up to. "You're quiet."

"I'm thinking about asking you something."

She gently poked him in his side. "We're married now. So ask already."

After mustering up his courage, Xander cleared his nervously throat. "I was wondering, uhm... you know... when I could kiss my wife again? You, I mean."

"Oh..." came out as more of a squeak than an answer. She hadn't expected him to ask that question. She wondered why he felt he even needed too. It was some kind of cosmic joke how odd all of her relationships seemed to work out. And she surprised herself by how nice the prospect of kissing him again was. Kissing could lead to more kisses and then kissing while horizontal and then kissing while horizontal and naked.

Buffy's heart pounded a little. "I... I think that you can..." her hands kind of spread out as she searched for the right words, "I mean... look, kissing should be fine. I'm not against it or anything. I like kissing. I'm a pro-kiss kind of girl. It's lips with all the goodness of sharing and..."

Her babbling ceased when he stole the kiss he wanted ever since he pulled her into his lap. Throwing caution to the wind, they curled their arms around each other and were lost for the next twenty minutes in a soft, loving make-out session right there in Buffy's computer chair.

For the first couple hours of their marriage, things were going pretty damn perfectly.

**Day 8**

**Buffy and Xander Harris's Apartment 321 Winchester Dr Tuesday, September 25, 2005 8:20 AM Cleveland, Ohio**

Things were pretty much going down the drain.

Well, in Xander's mind at least, things being all the hot water, his sanity, and any adoration he had left for his bathroom-hogging wife. "Buffy come on," he whined from outside the bathroom door as his need to pee reached new heights. The clock on the DVD player screamed at him. "I need to shave and shower for work. You've been in there all morning."

"I need my morning time to get ready for my daytime at work, Xander," came shouted from the shower, barely audible above the waters spray.

Xander rolled his eyes as he paced back and forth. "It's been an hour and a half, Buffy. There's only so much to do in there. I have to go to work too."

"You work around smelly people who sweat all day. I bet if you went a few days without a shower no one would even notice."

"I would notice!" he fired back. "And the wildlife that would follow me home every day would notice too."

"When did you become such a drama queen?"

This woman tried his patience like no other. Every morning was like this. A battle over the bathroom that included a fair amount of yelling and bitching and complaining. "I don't think it's asking to much for you to get out of the bathroom in a reasonable time. There are two of us living here, you know. There has to be compromise. My bladder is begging you for a compromise."

"I have a routine and I stick too it. You're a guy. All you need is ten minutes to pee, shave, shower, let one fly and then leave. I have to balance a certain level of professional mature femininity with a bit of hotness. That takes time and effort."

A near deafening growl emitted from his stomach lit a new fire in Xander. "You ate the rest of the cinnamon French Toast."

"You could stand to lose five pounds or so. I did you a favor."

"You forgot to buy the coffee you promised me you were going to buy after you left Faith's apartment last night."

"It slipped my mind."

"Buying two new pairs of shoes didn't slip your mind!"

"When Prada's are on sale I have to focus."

Raising an arm, Xander took a sniff and shook his head. He was funky and not in a Parliament 1970's sort of way. "Buffy, I need to get ready for work. Can you please hur..." At that very moment the Slayer opened the door and brushed past him. She smelled great and looked even better than that, which didn't matter much to Xander. He was still mad at her, hungry, needed to pee, and was frustrated over missing his morning coffee. He ran right in the bathroom without saying a word to his wife.

Grinning to herself, Buffy walked into the living room and slipped on her shoes. She then padded back to the bathroom door as the toilet was flushing. She counted down in her head from ten while listening to him undress. She heard her shower door open and then...

"Ahhhh Coollddd! Sooo cooollldd!"

She knew she hadn't left any hot water for him. And she hid all the soap. His toothpaste too. She knew she was evil. She knew his annoyance with her would reach epic heights. And still she smiled. That'll teach him to forget to tape Desperate Housewives for her when she left implicit instructions all over the house. "Have a nice day honey."

Buffy heard him utter a couple of unpleasantries, but paid him no mind. A few minutes later she was off to work. Her day started pretty well. Her husband... not so much.

**Day 16**

**Ballys Health Club Wednesday, September 26, 2005 8:25 PM Cleveland, Ohio**

That beloved 25-minute mark was well within reach.

Xander took another swallow from his water bottle as he kept his trained eyes on the treadmills timer while listening to some illegally downloaded music on his IPOD. His legs weren't all that tired and if he didn't have plans for a dinner alone with his wife tonight he'd probably add on another ten minutes to his workout. Nonetheless, he was pleased with what he did so far.

As nice as the appreciative stares thrown his way were from no less than three very attractive women this evening, he couldn't wait to get home, take a shower, and then escort his lovely wife to a very nice Italian restaurant across town.

Food wasn't the only thing he was starved for tonight, and while he hadn't received any particular signs that this evening would hold anything more than her company at dinner, the long kiss they shared before work this morning left him damn hopeful.

Sure, Buffy was annoying at times. He knew she saw him the same way. She used his shaving razors and drank his orange juice and flat out refused to cook dinner after work. Then again he ate all her snacks, left clothes lying around the house, and routinely forgot to vacuum. The real problem was that they were used to living alone and when you add someone to the mix that doesn't mean the blend's going to go all that well. They've had a couple of good days and a few bad as well.

So far though, Buffy hadn't attempted to kill him. That in itself might have been a record as far as longevity between murder attempts among women he had some sort of a relationship with.

Xander was kinda glad Buffy was the record holder. He hadn't shared that with anyone yet.

His hip suddenly vibrated.

Glancing down, Xander recognized Buffy's cell number on his Caller-ID. He instantly wondered how many of the other married men here were so happy to hear from their wives. "Hey sexy, you ready for dinner?" The noise of cars passing in the background, as well as what sounded like a woman about to die of laughter that wasn't his wife gave him a funny feeling in his stomach. "What's up?"

"Promise me you won't get mad?"

Dread swept in around him. Xander knew right off the bat something was wrong. No good ever came from those opening words. "Buffy..."

"You gotta promise." The laughter behind her was as annoying as the yelling she was sure to come would be.

"Talk Buff. Now."

"Well," she began in a slightly nervous tone of voice. "I was driving Dawn from the mall back to her place when I saw what looked to be a poor defenseless animal of some kind in my lane on the road. So I avoided the animal by swerving."

Buffy's history driving on the road was legendary. As in legendarily bad. Xander's mood began to nose-dive. At least she didn't sound hurt or anything like that. "Keep going."

Her sisters' cackling was about to get her a knuckle sandwich. "So when I swerved I didn't see all that broken glass on the side of the road."

Her car was in the shop until Thursday, so she was driving his tonight. She was supposed to drop him off at the health club, and then do a little shopping with her sister, then pick him up and take him home. He would then shower, dress handsomely, drive them to dinner, bring them home, and then hopefully spend the rest of the night consummating the unholy hell of their marriage on as many flat surfaces as possible. "And..."

Buffy's eyes slipped shut as she took a deep breath and embraced the inevitable. "I ran over all the glass and blew out all four of your tires."

All Xander could do was nod. His notoriously bad luck couldn't have allowed this evening to go any other way.

Quickly plucking the phone from her sister, Dawn sprinted around the car with Buffy chasing her. "Xander, that animal she tried not to hit was a stuffed animal that fell out of someone's car. It wasn't evening moving," she laughed so hard until Buffy took the phone back and glared murderously at her.

Her husbands sad exhale said it all. Tonight might of been their special night. Buffy hated that the perfect mood seemed pretty dead at the moment. "I got a tow truck on the way. We'll have a new set of tires on soon and then I'll come get you. Unless you want to take a cab home."

"It was a stuffed animal?"

"It looked real."

"It wasn't moving."

"I thought it was injured."

"You blew out all four tires!"

"Hey, at least Dawn and I are alive. That's a good thing. And the other 2 cars I hit are I barely scratched. And that biker's ten-speed shouldn't be too expensive to replace. I'll be happy to replace your fender."

"THE OTHER CARS!" he shouted at the phone. The only thing being consummated tonight was the increase in his Geiko car insurance. "You are quite possibly the worst wife ever!"

**Day 23**

**Buffy and Xander Harris's Apartment 321 Winchester Dr Wednesday, October 3, 2005 10:30 AM Cleveland, Ohio **

"You are quite possibly the best wife ever."

Xander's sincere compliment would have sounded so sweet in his normal voice. Alas, the romantic edge wasn't present due to a very sore throat and hoarse voice. He was suffering from the mother of all bad colds. He coughed all night long and looked like a mess when Buffy got up this morning. "Thank you, now eat up. Chicken noodle soup is good for you."

The tray before him was steaming hot and looked oh so good. Sure, his taste buds were gone and he had to squint to focus his eyes, but at least he was being taken care of by his wife and that was inherently sweet in so many ways. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." Buffy sat on the sofa's am rest while watching him eat. She felt a great swell of affection for him that she didn't quite understand, but enjoyed nonetheless. He didn't look good at all when she walked out of the bathroom after getting ready for work. She just wanted to make sure he took good care of himself today. It took all of nine seconds for her to realise he wouldn't and so she took the day off to look after him.

Yeah, he was a grown man who had taken care of himself for years and it was only a bad cold. But she was his wife. Things were different now and she wanted to be here for reasons she wasn't ready to investigate to closely just yet.

He sneezed and she brought him tissue.

He acted as if her apartment felt like he was sleeping in the Artic, so she brought him one of her thicker blankets.

He wanted another glass of orange juice. He got it.

He asked if he could watch ESPN. She obliged.

The scene was as far from romantic as anyone could possibly imagine. He sat up with half the blanket wrapped around his lower half. He wore an old Los Angeles Raiders T-shirt that had seen better days and some gray jogging pants a size to big. Next to his food tray were a couple of crumpled up pieces of tissue paper. His hair was a mess, his nose was runny, and his eyes were bloodshot red. He looked so drained and didn't have much of an appetite.

But he was hers.

That one thought lifted above all others in Buffy's mind as kept watch over him. This man was hers. Legally and morally hers. Her responsibility. She hadn't had a man like this before. And she had never taken care of him like this before either.

So why was she gently combing her fingers through while he yelled at Cleveland Browns highlights from this past Sunday? Why was she smiling as he tried to explain things with a mouth full of food, pointing at the screen as if his sheer will alone would force the slow running back into the end zone? Why did she think it was so cute when he leaned over and rested his head in her lap?

Maybe the answers laid in the fact that she truly felt like a wife this morning.

"How do you feel?"

Another sneeze and then, "Better than last night, that's for sure. Vicks 44 cough syrup has some kick."

"I'll buy you some more when I make a run to the store this afternoon."

"Want me to come with?"

"Absolutely not. You are not going outside under any circumstances. If I don't see marked improvement in your health I'm not letting you go to work tomorrow."

As bad as he felt, which was awfully bad, what she said made him feel pretty damn good. Having her so overly protective of him made him feel special specifically to her. That was more than worth feeling like death warmed over. "You take good care of me."

"That's my job now."

"That's why I love my wife so much."

They shared an awkward silence and a long meaningful stare. They didn't push the issue any further than an understanding nod. This was enough of a step forward for now. An easy acknowledgement of what was felt for the other person. Nice and sweet. More importantly, it was sincere.

And when she bent down to him despite his rosy nose and puffy eyes, she kissed him softly for a lingering time. "She loves you too."

**Day 28**

**Buffy and Xander Harris's Apartment 321 Winchester Dr Monday, October 8, 2005 9:30 AM Cleveland, Ohio**

"I hate you!"

Wearing something of a knowing smirk, Xander heard her shout from the kitchen where he was crumbling crackers in her chicken noodle soup, just the way she liked. By his count that was her fifth insult this morning. She was so 'cheerful' when she wasn't feeling well.

The Slayer rarely got sick. When she did it was only for a day, but oh what a day. Whatever her ailment, it seemed intensified for a twenty-four hour period. It really got to her. She was suffering from a terrible head cold courtesy of her husband's from last week. A fact she hadn't missed out on reminding him every minute since last night when she began coughing and sneezing non-stop.

Sitting up in her bed, Buffy flipped channels on her TV while hating how bad she felt. Weak and with the chills, she was running on less than 50 of her usual self. She absolutely hated being sick. What's worse, she hated people taking care of her. She was the Slayer. She didn't need taking care of. She took care of the world. She saved it more than a few times. And she did all of that looking damn good.

"I NEED MORE TISSUE!"

Her yell wasn't her first of the day and surely wouldn't be her last. Taking it all in stride, Xander plucked a fresh roll of soft tissue paper and laid it beside the breakfast tray he'd been working on for the last 15 minutes. Taking care of Buffy when she was ill was going to be his greatest test of patience ever. He knew that.

But she's his girl now. She needed him here. Thank goodness for the sick days he had at work.

When he walked through the door of her bedroom Buffy looked up and threw a sock at his head. He didn't even try to dodge it. "I will never kiss you again."

"Good morning, oh sock thrower of Cleveland." Xander made his way to the bed and carefully laid the tray over her lap, then slipped in under the covers beside her.

Buffy hadn't expected the red rose next to her soup and orange juice. She knew he had to have stolen it from the house next door, which meant he put on some clothes and ran outside just to commit a crime and bring her something nice. How many woman got roses that looked as bad as she did this morning with her crazy women hair, faded tank top, and zero make-up. Suddenly she wanted to not strangle him so much for sharing his plague with her. "Cute," she held up the rose.

She fought off a smile and he enjoyed watching her do so. "Will you still think I'm cute ten years from now when I get out of prison for flower theft?"

"Maybe," she pouted a little. Her anger slowly drained away as the thoughtfulness of the rose only underscored how much he cared for her. And when her husband bent over and pressed a kiss to her temple, she allowed him to see her smile.

"On a scale of one to ten, how bad do you feel?"

"I can barely hear out of one ear, my head feels like a rock bands holding a live concert inside it, I can't taste this soup, my nose as red as Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer and it's all your fault."

Xander pondered how she had the nerve to sometimes call him dramatic. "I'm sure you'll feel better after you get something hot and thick inside you?" She suddenly glared at him and he laughed. "The soup, honey. I meant Campbell's thick and chunky chicken noodle soup. Jeeze, you have a dirty mind."

"Oh hush. I'm sick." She dug into her soup, which was really good. The warm feel of his body sitting beside her gave her someone to lean into a bit, even if she wouldn't acknowledge that she did it. Xander wrapped his arm around her shoulder to pull them closer. She even spoon-fed him some of her soup.

"See, I knew there was a sweet and nice wifey in there." Her frown was fake and he knew it. Buffy found 'Pretty in Pink' to watch on TNT. One of her favorite all-time movies. For him, it was a chore to sit through, but sit through it he would. Being in bed with her in any way wasn't something he was going to miss out on. And for the woman that hated having anyone do anything for her, the fact that she was allowing him to take care of her meant a great deal.

She's his wife now. She should and will be able to count on him. No matter that a head cold wasn't even a little deadly or that she would look her amazing self again inside of 24 hours. This woman was his wife and the very male part of his psyche needed to look after her.

Following another hard blow of her nose, Buffy balled up the offending tissue and shot it basketball style into the waste paper basket near the door. "I still got it."

"That was so cool."

"You're mocking me."

"Nooo," he drawled out in her ear. She looked amused. "You haven't let me 'mock' you yet."

His true meaning was hardly hidden. "Oh, so all you want to do is 'mock' me?"

"No, of course not. But I do think about 'mocking' you all the time."

She shifted just a little to look him face to face and laid her hand on his chest. "If you're patient," she began before wickedly remembering a line from their past, "And play your cards right," she felt his heart beat quicken, "I'll probably let you 'mock' my brains out one day."

Of course he kissed her that very second. He didn't mind one bit the taste of lemony cough drops on her tongue. He kissed her until he had his fill.

Buffy sighed and then she pulled away, and then grinned with mischief, "I married you for your money. Don't forget that." He stole her toast and laughed. "I didn't want that piece anyway."

**Day 31 The last day of the legal month.**

**Buffy and Xander Harris's Apartment 321 Winchester Dr Thursday, October 11, 2005 6:30 PM Cleveland, Ohio **

Pacing the apartment wasn't what Xander considered a rational thing to do. In fact, in response to what triggered it, even he knew he was being irrational.

'Irrational' was his middle name, right? Or was it 'overreact'? Maybe it was 'jump to the wrong conclusions'?

Whatever the case, his third pass by the window brought forth another grimace to his face. He stomped off and then stopped and stretched.

"Get a grip," Xander scolded himself. He was fine. Everything was fine. He was just acting silly. He knew that. He's too old and mature to be acting weird about this. No way was he regressing back to his old high school insecurities.

Right?

A minute later he was back at the window sneaking a peak through the curtains down at the front porch of the apartment building. The giggling he heard burned his ears. The grimace returned.

Wearing her hair up in that sexy way he loved, Buffy sat on the top step laughing her beautiful little head off as the 'Latin Heartthrob of Cleveland' told yet another funnier than the last joke. At least Xander thought he told a joke. He couldn't really make out what they were saying. He only knew they were having a good time together from the smiles on their faces and relaxed body language.

Each flirty toss of his wife's beautiful blonde hair caused Xander's blood boil. He had to look away when she playfully swatted their neighbors' arm.

That damn Carlo.

That's what the other men who lived in the building with their wives or girlfriends said whenever they saw him.

That damn Carlo.

Carlo Ramirez looked like the kind of man who had to regularly tell girls he did not want to impregnate them or have casual sex with no strings attached. His dark hair and thick eyelashes, coupled with a body so chiseled girls joked in the elevator about petitioning the city to force him to walk around shirtless all day. His accent alone made the girls swoon. He had a walk that women couldn't seem to keep their eyes off of.

That damn Carlo.

Even Buffy commented once that that he had that whole 'Adonis' thing going. Xander recalled her laughter at the way he the glared at her. And glare he did. He glared good and hard.

Carlo was a cool enough fella as far as Xander was concerned. He was quiet and always friendly when they met. He never had loud parties or brought trouble to the building. He knew about sports and cars and didn't mind lifting heavy objects. He had so many gorgeous women coming in and out of his apartment, but none stayed the night. Probably becasue he enjoyed variety.

He was the man all other men wanted to be.

Whatever the case was, Xander didn't appreciate the way Carlo's eyes lit up every time he saw Buffy. It seemed like he went out of his way to compliment her or to say hi or open a door for her. Xander accepted the charm his wife effortlessly exuded to the vast majority of the male population. He was slowly making peace with the fact that men's eyes followed her wherever she went and most hung on her every word.

But having Carlo work his magic on Mrs. Harris wasn't something that sat too well with Mr. Harris. Not at all. He knew Buffy wouldn't cheat or anything like that. It was the prideful man in him who didn't want to see any other man enjoy his wife's luminous smile the way he did. He didn't want any other guy to be able to make her laugh out loud or blush or anything like that. Marrying her brought about a subtle possessiveness in him. Never anything overbearing or offending.

Just that he wanted all of her attention most of the time.

Stealing himself away from the silliness of spying on his wife, Xander flopped back down on the couch and propped his feet up on the table. He reached for the universal remote, but at the last second pulled away. Watching TV felt like a chore. Instead he laid his head back and shut his eyes, sighing comfortably after a long day.

Work sucked in the way it did everyday for everybody. Some days you just had to drag yourself out of bed, do your hours and try not to fall asleep or kill a co-worker. Nine hours later, minus the lunch he was forced to skip for a boring meeting, he battled two car accidents that left the expressway with so much traffic it took him an hour to get home. When he arrived Buffy hadn't made it in yet, which was a good thing since he had a chance to take a shower and change first.

When he made his way out of the bathroom his wife was seated on the sofa kicking off her shoes. She had just walked through the door and wasn't empty-handed. She bought him some Taco Bell just for the heck of it. An off-handed remark made before they left for work in the morning, he had mentioned to her that he had a wicked taste for Taco Bell.

As far as romantic gestures went it wasn't a Romeo and Juliet moment, but it was real and that was all that mattered at the end of the day.

After Buffy changed they ate dinner together while watching a Seinfeld rerun and had decided to walk two blocks down the street to that new bookstore that opened. Before they left she wanted to run downstairs and grab some paperwork she left in the backseat of her car. That's when she ran into...

"That damn Carlo," Xander groaned under his breath again. His paranoid side, and he was honest enough with himself to admit that he had one, was already creating ridiculous scenarios where his wife was swept off her feet and whisked away from him.

He knew he had issues. Lots of them in fact. A slight case of that old unmentionable green-eyed monster was one of the worst.

Xander wondered if he would feel this way if the good morning kisses of late hadn't lasted longer. Or the at least one call a day at work unspoken schedule they seemed to fall into that was a pleasant surprise. Marrying Buffy to inherit five million dollars was the first and biggest reason for their nuptials, but within one months time he was already so far gone he couldn't imagine being without her.

Now that was scary.

Buffy Anne Summers-Harris was a force and freak of nature as far as Xander was concerned. Her inability to parallel park was in sharp contrast to her ability to beat the crap out of Hell-Gods with her bare hands. She sometimes struggled with crossword puzzles and yet she could rearrange all her furniture by herself in five minutes flat without any help at all. She was very anti-French fries, which was in his opinion a sign of potential future insanity.

She couldn't make Kool Aid to save her life. If masked gunmen entered their apartment and put a gun to Xander's head and said if Buffy didn't make one good glass of Kool Aid out of five attempts her husband was dead there would be a lot of slow singing and flower bringing at the funeral.

Buffy constantly complained about his lack of domestic order, which was funny seeing as how her closet was organized according to advanced filing system of clean and dirty.

She was quirky as the word could be and just as amazing on the other side. She appealed to him for reasons so far beyond the physical. She had the best sense of humor and enjoyed life again in the way he had always hoped would return. Just having her buy him some Taco Bell for dinner after he barely mentioned it this morning meant she cared enough to listen and was thinking of him when she left work.

She was thinking of him.

He certainly thought about her enough during the day. He tried not to. He wanted to take things slow with her and get used to being married and all that mature stuff. The problem was he just wanted to wrap his arms around her and tell her exactly how she filled every square inch of his heart in ways he didn't think were possible. What he felt for her wasn't a secret inside his head. He just needed a little more time and patience until she was right there with him. And then...

"Let me just lay this on my desk and then we can go." Buffy kick-shut the front door behind with the heel of her shoe. A brown folder was clutched under her arm.

Xander's lowly "whatever" of a reply caught her attention. He was sitting up on the sofa with as grumpy as pose as she had seen in weeks. The TV wasn't on. Weird much? "Are you alright? And by alright I mean not crazy in the sitting alone in the living room with the TV off sort of way."

He stared straight ahead. "I'm good."

Short, simple, and without even a peek at her. Buffy curiously considered him as she entered the living room. He seemed okay. She spared a quick glance at the LCD screen on their cordless phone. No one had called, so he hadn't received any bad news. Her cell hadn't gone off. She remembered how he had enjoyed the heck out of all that Taco Bell she bought him. So what was this somber mood about? "Why are you sitting there like someone ran over your puppy?"

"I have never owned a puppy."

There wasn't a trace of humor or even a grin to signal he was happy to see her. Walking over, Buffy stepped behind the sofa. Seeking to lighten the mood she bent over and slipped her slender arms around his neck, and then rested her chin on his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

Having her this affectionately close was nice. He wanted her even closer, but was still irrationally upset with her. "I'm fine."

His curt tone spoke otherwise. "If you were fine then you would be smiling and telling be a naughty joke or trying to steal a kiss."

He tilted his head to her with a raised brow. "So I still have to steal kisses?"

Where was this bit of seriousness coming from? Buffy wondered why his shoulders felt so tense. "No," she replied with a smirk she hoped would make him want a smooch. No dice. "Will you please cut it out and tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothings wrong."

"Why are you lying to me? I can tell when something's wrong with you." Of all the big and small nuances Buffy learned about her husband during the first month of their marriage, she knew he loved it when she played in his hair, so she let her fingers do the walking. He tried to stifle a moan and failed. "I can't make it better if you don't tell me what's wrong." She squeezed him in her arms.

The alluring scent of her perfume was almost his undoing. Still, he resisted. "It's... it's nothing."

"You were almost about to say it. It's something alright."

Xander quickly spat out before he could catch himself, "How's your good friend Carlo doing?"

Carlo? A slow dawning of realization over what this was really about came to Buffy. She looked up at the window, with it's slightly pushed aside curtain, and thought over her husbands less than stellar mood. Had he been spying on her? He obviously couldn't hear what was being said or he wouldn't be acting this way at all. She pressed her lips to his shoulder to keep from laughing out loud. He was such a man at times. "Carlo is doing very well. The fashion design company he's starting with two of his friends just got approved for their loan. He's in a great mood."

"I could hear you guys laughing all the way up here."

Such a jealous little husband she had today. Buffy brushed her lips along his cheek. "He's a really funny guy. He's very sweet."

That was the last thing Xander wanted to hear. "And ridiculously handsome."

"Wow, I didn't think you thought that about him."

"I don't," he quickly added, only to have her chuckle in his ear. "You know what I mean."

"Honey," she knew he liked it when she called him that. Endearments early on were meant to tease and had now become commonplace. "Have you ever wondered why Carlo never has any of his 'dates' spend the night?"

"Probably just doesn't want any of them to get attached."

"Have you noticed how fashion conscious he is?"

"That just means he's wants to look his best."

"What about those times we found him chatting with the girls in the laundry room about women's shoes?"

"A ladies man has to know what women want to talk about."

"You know nothing about women's shoes," Buffy snickered. "Does that mean you're not a ladies man?" He finally allowed a small smile to curl his lips when he looked at her.

"I'm your man."

"Yes, you are," she agreed with a delightful smile. "He drives a bright yellow Volkswagen Beetle."

"He is a bit flamboyant."

Buffy shook her head. "What do you think of all those George Michael's posters he owns?"

"I just assumed he was a big fan."

Her husband was many things, but at times certain truths had to be bluntly laid before him. And then there were times he had to be hit over the head with them. "Do you remember when that 'Queer As Folk' first season DVD set was accidentally delivered here?" He acknowledged that he did. "Do you remember that it was supposed to be delivered to apartment 3-A and not 4-A?"

That award winning Showtime series wasn't something Xander had on his weekly schedule. As a matter of a fact he wasn't sure how many heterosexual men were fans of the show. Sure, there had to be some, but probably not many. Which meant... No. No way! Then again... "Carlo's gay!"

"Yep," Buffy oh so enjoyed revealing that bit of information. She watched as Xander turned three shades of red over the way he acted. "Carlo's a good guy but he's so not interested in me in any way. You have a better shot with him than I do. He said you have great hips."

"He... he did?"

"Yep." The recognition of his jealousy left him bashful and embarrassed, as it should. Buffy held him tighter. "Even if he weren't gay I wasn't interested in him, okay?" Her husband looked too ashamed to nod but she understood. She let him off the hook because his jealousy, juvenile as it was, only underscored how special she was to him. "I'm right where I want to be."

As the softness of her cheek pressed to his own, Xander greatly appreciated how his silliness wasn't a big deal to her. Apperantly he still had some things to work on.

Shifting around, Xander sat up a little and rotated his body. He grabbed Buffy around her lower back and hauled her over the couch and across his lap. His arms secured her to his chest. "I'm sorry, honey."

Her new position was as surprising as it was sweet. His embrace felt loving. "You're forgiven."

"I suck at times."

"Yeah, but so do I. It's a good thing we got married. Now we can suck together."

"That sounds so sexy to me."

"I thought it might," she joked before their lips met in a warm tender caress of lips that held on for the longest time. Buffy moved to straddle his lap, and then deepened her tongue exploration of his mouth. They were aligned perfectly... sensually, while abandoning all inhibitions. Things were burning hotter by the second until she breathlessly pulled away.

"You're killing me, Buff," he whispered just apart from her soft lips. The need to plunder the depths of her mouth again was nearly unbearable. As if cuddling her sexy body on his lap wasn't nerve wrecking enough.

"Patience," she preached yet again. When his head dipped low she kissed his forehead and then rested hers there for a long moment. Some things, no matter how badly you wanted them, were worth waiting for. "It's our one month anniversary."

"I know," he smiled so wide. The one she beamed at him left him with no recourse other than to kiss her again. His beloved wife. "One whole month of being the Mr. and the Mrs."

With her arms locked around his neck she stared into his eyes. "Five more months and then we're millionaires."

"Yay to the big money day." His immediate smile began to falter just a bit until it faded away.

"What turned that smile upside down?" she teased.

The question bubbled out of him before he could catch himself. "And then what?"

Buffy thought it over, but knew couldn't play dumb with him. He deserved better than that. Of course she knew what he was referring to. After they get the inheritance and split it, then what? Do they divor... she didn't want to even think that word in her mind. But there were so many variables and possibilities and it was all so strange... and wonderful. Her heart skipped a couple of beats. "We haven't really discussed... you know... after the big paycheck."

Tell her now... the words were whispered from his heart. Tell her you're already in love with her and that you only needed this one-month to know you didn't want this to end ever. She looked so beautiful and holding her like this made him never want to let her go. "Are you happy?"

The hesitation in his voice matched how she felt. "Yeah," she nodded a bit nervously. His arms seemed to tighten around her. She enjoyed the affection. "Yeah, I'm happy." Her hand rose to caress his face. "Are you happy?"

"If you sit on my lap like this every day I'll be happier." His wife rolled her eyes at his obvious flirt. He leaned in and softly kissed her neck. They hugged and shut their eyes. "This is good for me," he struggled to say. "Living with you is nice. It's... fun." He was hopelessly fumbling and he knew it. "I need you."

His eyes couldn't lie to her any more than he could if she asked him out right if he was in love with her. And if she had more emotional courage she would ask. But what if he said what she expected? What she knew in her heart he felt? What she felt as well. What if he answered honestly and then she'd have to and then that's usually when things fell apart in her life.

Sharing her home with him was one thing. Sharing her heart and her life and her future... those were dreams of girls who hadn't lived the insanity of her background. Those were normal everyday wishes and wants and dreams. Those weren't supposed to be possibilities for her. Death was her gift. Slaying was her destiny.

And then Xander came to her one late night with a crazy get rich quick scheme that's somehow become a love affair. And she's humbled by her feelings for him. They've taken the strangest route to get here. One that made little sense to their friends and even less to them, and yet here they are.

"You're quiet."

She gave a shrug and then laid her head back on his shoulder. "I'm just thinking."

"Care to clue in the rest of the class?" She laughed softly.

"It's been a good first month," she stated and meant it. He seemed pleased. This was new uncharted territory for both of them. He's been a boyfriend and a fiancé. She's been a girlfriend a few times. But only with each other have they experienced marriage. So with that in mind she looked inside herself and came to one honest conclusion.

Buffy exhaled a deep cleansing breath and then said, "Maybe we won't want to change anything in five months."

Her powerful words hung in the air as their deeper meaning set in. Admissions of love were still a little ways off, but at least they felt as though the possibility of staying married was on the table. It was now out in the open that maybe nothing at all will change when the inheritance came.

They were kissing before they even realized it. Laughing while holding each other so tight and hoping that this was as real as they wanted it to be.

After peppering her lips with a few more brushes of his own, Xander asked, "So, are you ready to hit that book store?"

Feeling a bit sentimental, she almost didn't trust her voice to speak. "Let's go."

Their mood shifted to an intimacy that was coming easier by the day. When she rose he walked around the couch, retrieved her jacket, and helped her slip it on. When he looked for his shoes she pointed out where they were. And his house keys. And eventually his jacket too.

And as they passed Carlo on the way out of the building, they were holding hands.

'Maybe we won't want to change anything in five months'.

That was one anniversary present that didn't cost a thing.

**The Same Day**

**The coast of Lake Baikal, nestled between the Sayan and Baikal Mountains Thursday, October 11, 2005 10:45 PM Eastern Siberia**

Lake Baikal was one of the world's deepest and oldest of lakes. Endless and eternal, the majestic wonder of it reflected by moonlight was quite a sight to behold. Magical, as some would say

Angel didn't care. He didn't care one bit. He was smiling. Truly smiling for what felt like the first time in so very long. Hope had led to fruition. The dream was now real. The reward belonged to him alone.

When the cold winds began to chill his skin he smiled wildly at the sensation. It hurt. It was uncomfortable. He felt it all. His clothes were torn and smoldering. Splotches of demonic blood and some of his own covered his neck and hands. The knuckles of his fists were raw from punching until the skin had begun to swell. He knew he was bleeding from three places, but he didn't think any of his wounds were all that serious.

He looked like death warmed over but he sure as hell wasn't dead anymore.

Not with a grand gesture of light and sound, nor angels bestowing a touch upon his brow, nor even an acknowledgement from the Powers That Be in any way. He simply gasped for breath and that was that.

He inhaled the fresh air. Heaven on earth indeed.

The rotting corpse of the last Wolfram and Hart senior partner bled at his feet. The how and why of the moment didn't matter in the least. A years worth of lonely research had brought him to the other side of the world seeking those responsible for the deaths of his friends. Of course they lied about where they could be found. They're the bad guys. That's what bad guys do.

They also bleed. And beg. And can be killed if you shove a sword with the symbols of crosses on it through their heart enough times.

Shanshu at long last.

Angel breathed, smiled, and began walking towards the nearest village. He felt his heart pounding in his chest. His lungs filled with oxygen. He hurt all over and didn't give a damn in the least.

When he shut his eyes he spoke the name of one person... the first person that came to him.

"Buffy."

**The End of Chapter 2 **

**Chapter 3 preview: Buffy and Xander have it out when Angel returns. Faith meets a new man and sparks fly, but he's keeping a secret.**


	3. Angelic Rain

**Title: "6 Months"**

**Chapter 3/7**

**Written by: Shawn**

**Summary: Angel returns with a revelation that shocks Buffy. Xander's anger leads to a complicated encounter with Willow. Faith makes an instant connection with a stranger. Buffy and Xander face off over Angel.**

**Category: Romance/Humor**

**Rated: R. There is a NC-17 version of this chapter available. Email me or visit my yahoo group for it.**

**Ship: Buffy/Xander**

**Timeline/Spoilers: Everything up to the BtVS series finale "Chosen" is canon except Xander losing his eye. Outside of that it's my AU. Everything's explained in the story.**

**My personal archive: http/groups. Joss owns it all. I just let them out to play once in a while.**

**Email: Notes 1: Willow, Buffy, Xander, Faith, and Dawn live in Cleveland, watching over the as-of-yet unopened Hellmouth. They are currently retired and living normal lives for once. Of course every now and then a vamp sighting might spur a patrol, but for the most part they're fighting the same every day struggles and frustrations as you or I.**

**Authors Notes 2: This story is for fun and laughs. Taking it any deeper will detract from enjoying it. In other words, read it when you're in a good mood or if you need to be put in one.**

**Authors Notes 3: This chapter begins seven weeks after Buffy and Xander were married.**

* * *

**A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' come together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences. **

**- Dave Meurer **

**You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest, that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. **

**--Jan Glidewell **

**The magic of the first love is the ignorance that it can never end. **

**--Disraeli **

**I love you not as something private and personal, which is my own, but as something universal and worthy of love which I have found. **

**--Henry David Thoreau **

* * *

Week 7

* * *

**Buffy and Xander Harris's Apartment**

**321 Winchester Dr**

**Friday, November 4, 2005 2:00 AM **

**Cleveland, Ohio **

Despite her warm and comfy position, Buffy's sleep-addled mind struggled to figure out why her bed felt so small and lumpy.

She stretched her legs and yawned as her eyes slowly fluttered open. She tried to stretch out a bit more only to find herself being firmly held in place. The familiar scent attached to the larger-than-normal pillow lying underneath her head was unexpected. It just didn't feel like her pillow for some strange reason.

One of her arms dangled off the side of... her bed? That couldn't be right. Her fingertips were touching the floor.

And then there was this big 'thing' draped over her back.

Big thing draped over her back?

Yawning again, Buffy swallowed as her eyes quickly adjusted to the dimly lit room around her. She noticed the TV was on mute with a late-night rerun of 'The Facts of Life' playing. What was that doing on? She hated that show as a kid. She routinely dodged its reruns like the plague. Then again, the television in her bedroom was much smaller than the one in front of her. And that long oak table belonged in her living room, not her bedroom.

Her bedroom? Just like that mental fog began to lift from her mind as her memory kicked in at last.

Tonight was the Harris movie night.

On her living room oak inn table sat a half-eaten popcorn bowl. Next to it was a Giovanni's deep-dish pizza box and an empty bottle of wine. The 'thing' draped over her back had to be her husband, whose arm was tucked snuggly around her waist. The soothing warmth of his breath softly caressed the back of her neck as she realized his face was pressed into her hair.

It occurred to Buffy that there wasn't any space separating them at all as Xander had essentially molded himself to her figure. And she had to admit that felt so good to be held by him.

That's why it also felt so scary.

Hazel eyes scanned the time display on the DVD player. It read 2:00 AM. She's got to be at work at 8:00 AM and could use a good nights sleep in her own bed. No matter how deliciously toasty she felt lying in her husband's arms under this oversized, faded blanket with a caricature of some superhero she could no longer make out, she missed her bed.

While thinking of the best escape route out of this predicament that wouldn't wake Xander up, Buffy couldn't deny how warm and cozy she felt sleeping with him like this. The solid weight of him resting over her, cuddling her closer as he slept was sweet. She tried to remember the last man she only slept with and failed to come up with anyone who she felt as comfortable or... gulp, as loved with.

Her relationship with Xander was as different as night and day compared to any of the men before

him. Being older aside, marriage was a new wrinkle for sure. It was true that tons of marriages failed each year, so a sheet of paper with their names on it didn't guarantee happiness.

But having someone to talk to about all the facets of your life and all the things that happened to you during the day was simply priceless. To be able to share your thoughts and opinions on everything from what cereal you buy to the latest celebrity scandal was something extra that she wasn't used to.

Buffy's life before Sunnydale's destruction and after have appeared at times to be two separate lives

altogether. The Slayer was more or less retired and only to be called upon in the event of a severe crisis. Buffy Anne Summers had to contend will real life here in Cleveland. One that didn't include late night patrols through dark cemeteries. She didn't hunt demons anymore.

Living a new lifestyle changed you. Everyone evolved over time. Nothing remained the same. Buffy was no different.

And now she's married to Xander.

Oddly enough, they merged their lives with the greatest of ease, despite their many differences. They still got on each other's nerves daily and would argue, storm out of the room, and slam doors.

Only to kiss and make up less than an hour later. A nice enjoyable make-up/make out session that settled all their differences.

They married each other for Xander's inheritance and yet their marriage worked so far because... Buffy was still working that one out in her own head. All she knew was that she didn't seem to have any interest in flirting or the attention of other men. She found herself smiling on her drive home despite the traffic. Eating alone sometimes wasn't fun, and she hadn't done that since the day she was married. Then there was the laughing.

God, how they laughed with each other. Xander was a big kid by nature and his quirky outlook on life complimented her own. He was so much fun to be around. Messing with him, teasing him, and playing jokes on him gave Buffy such satisfaction it surprised even her.

Of course all the kissing played a part as well.

Tender pecks before they left the house in the morning and when they arrived home became longer, slower, and deeper as of late. Their kisses spoke of a greater emotion than they've verbally expressed thus far. In the seven weeks since they were married they've gotten along so well, no matter their minor stumbling blocks and disagreements that Buffy had to admit to herself she's never been happier.

And that was because she was in...

"How long have you been awake?"

Taking that as her cue to move, Buffy shifted around on her side to face her sleepy-Xander rather than leave the

couch right away. "Not to long," she whispered for some reason. Whispering to him felt intimate. The way he was staring at her felt intimate. "We fell asleep."

"You're amazing with the obvious, Buff." Xander rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand while his other arm was still around her waist. "Popcorn, pizza, and wine are a deadly combination. We indulged big time."

He had a scruffy appeal tonight. Buffy reasoned that stubble looked good on him even in the dark. And that his sleepy voice had a lazy-sexy quality going for it. "All I remember is lying my head on your shoulder and resting my eyes."

"So you don't remember all the wild passionate lovemaking?"

Playfully, Buffy glanced down at her oversized 'Sunnydale High' shirt and checkered gray pajama pants. "So you dressed me after the wild passionate lovemaking?"

He leaned in a bit closer and tangled his hand through her silky blonde strands. "I'm a gentleman."

"And it was so good I don't even remember it?"

"You passed out at one point," he explained much to her chagrin. "I'm sure it'll come back to you in flashes. I was epic tonight."

Closing the short gap between them, her lips hung a breath away from his. "So was I whimpering how much I love you while we were making love?" she dared to ask as her arm slowly lifted between them from under the blanket, and gently ghosted over his partial erection to slip around his neck. His sharp intake of air was met with a

smirk. She had him and she knew it.

"You are so evil."

"No, I'm Buffy."

They met halfway, kissing softly in the dark for a lengthy time. Nestled in each other's arms the outside world faded away to nothingness. Being together was more than enough. Each passing day brought them closer. And even though they're going about this romance thing backwards, it's working out better than they could have possibly imagined.

Buffy giggled against his lips when she found herself lying on top of him now. He had easily maneuvered her slim form over and now had both his arms locked over her lower back, clutching her to his chest. Their lips chased and swayed with a faint taste of pizza sauce and white wine lingering on their tongues.

Panting breathlessly, Buffy sat back on his thighs before things spun out of control. "Now who's evil?"

"I couldn't help myself," Xander defended his actions. "That lovely way you're wearing your hair with one side mashed down, coupled with that three sizes to big shirt you sleep in and your checkerboard PJ's were simply to much for me to resist."

She's so used to his teasing these days. What she's not used to is having him look at her with such love and adoration in his eyes, and having it mean so much to her. Suddenly she needed to change the subject. Grabbing the raggedy hem of his blanket, she frowned. "This is old."

"It was a gift from Willow. Darkwing Duck was a hot commodity once upon a time. I think he retired from the superhero business. I've had it since I was 15."

"And you still have it," she teased.

"I'm a creature of habit. If I'm used to something, I keep it around."

"Just like those old gym shoes with the holes in both heels?"

"I play basketball in them."

"You can't play basketball."

"Oz and I are slowly learning the game."

"Dawn beat you one on one last week."

"I thought we agreed to never discuss that?" Verbally sparing with her while she's perched over his lap wasn't conclusive to him remaining coherent for very long.

With a smidgen of mean gleaming in her eyes, Buffy adjusted her position over him ever so gently while gauging the expression on his face. This was a war he couldn't win. "What's wrong?"

"You need a bigger couch."

"So buy one?"

"You bought this couch. You should get rid of it and buy a bigger and longer one."

"Since you sleep on it why don't you get rid of it and buy a new one?"

"Because I have no intention of sleeping out here forever." Defying Buffy was as much fun as surprising her. "So until then you should provide your husband with a larger place to sleep."

"I hear the YMCA just renovated its facility down the street."

"If you keep addressing the lord and master of this house that way I'll give all your fancy imported coffee away."

"If you do that I'll give Mrs. Wilkes down the hall all of your Spiderman comics to line her five birdcages. And be happy I chose to ignore that lord and master crap," she laughed.

"Don't force me to make copies of your driving record and show them to our friends. No one knows exactly how many accidents you've had but me. They would never let you hear the end of it."

"How about I take Faith, Willow, Oz, and Dawn down to Johnny's Video Shack and introduce them to old lady at the counter who used to rent you adult movies a year ago." Xander's appalled-face signaled her victory. "She even remembers the titles."

"You wouldn't!"

Buffy gave a triumphant shrugged. When she tried to stand Xander hauled her back down as he sat up, still holding her in his arms. "I need to get to sleep."

"Sleep here with me?" he whined a little while slowly massaging her lower back with his fingertips. Before she could answer he brushed a gentle kiss onto her lips and then another. "I've never slept with you before. And... you know... this was..." he stumbled over his words a bit. "This was really nice, Buff. Waking up with you next to me and all."

Buffy felt the sincere gravity of his words warm her all over. She smiled and then pressed her forehead to his. "This couch is too small."

"Then let's move to your bed." God, she's so beautiful to him.

Buffy quirked a brow. "And just sleep?"

"If that's all you want," he replied with a series of soft caresses on her lips. Her arms slipped around his neck as brown eyes gazed into hazel. "I love... being with my wife."

He almost said it. She hated that he felt he had to wait to say what was so obvious in the way he looked

at her. In the way he talked to her and listened and treated her every day. "I know you want to make love to me."

"What I don't know is why you won't let me." With their foreheads still touching, Xander squeezed her waist and sighed.

"I think I'm afraid."

A devilish smiled curled his lips. "Do I exude 'Sex-God' that much? If you're worried about your performance, don't be. I'm easy to please. Just think of it the way we share housework. You do the dishes. I'll do you. It's a partnership, only minus the clothes and plus all the hot loving." His eyebrow wiggles amused her to no end. When she tugged at her bottom lip with her teeth he desired to kiss it all better. "You mean the world to me, Buffy," he confessed, watching her eyes soften. "Sometimes I can't stand not touching you. And I hate that this feels like I'm putting pressure on you, but..."

"No," she stated with a finger covering his lips. "I want you," she revealed at long last. "I do want you so bad."

"But?"

"For the first time I feel like I'm in no rush to make things perfect. I don't feel like you're going to leave me and I don't want to go anywhere. I love how we are together. I love how we relate to each other and how much fun we have and how good you make me feel. I love how different I feel with you, and how I think about you all the time and how we fit our schedules together. I even love paying bills with you."

"My wallet doesn't."

"I'm being serious."

"My wallet is ser..."

"XANDER!"

"Okay, alright," he grinned.

Buffy stole another kiss to his lips. "I've never felt this way before with a man in my life. I feel like I'm finally mature enough to see a good thing and hold onto. But for me, I've always jumped into the sex stuff pretty quickly and it's never ended well. Sex pretended to solve a lot of problems I had with Riley towards the end and sex was just something to get my mind off my life with Spike." Her small hands lifted to frame his handsome face. "I want us to be different than any relationship either of us have had before. I want to fall in love over time and have it be sweet and romantic and strong enough to last. I want something that's not going to hurt me or end with me hurting someone. I want to have an adult relationship that has sex as the cherry on top and not become what we do to avoid talking or the other million and one problems we have."

Loving her would require patience. Luckily, he loved her enough to give her whatever she needed. Xander kissed her forehead so tenderly. "I understand a lot of that, you know. Anya and I had some of those issues."

"When we make love," Buffy assured him with a long bathing her tongue around his in a surprisingly lustful kiss, "It'll be wonderful and it won't be a long time away. For now though, I'm just enjoying falling in love with you. That's why I'm holding off until it feels right to me."

Xander hugged her tighter and nodded against her shoulder. He shifted them sideways on the couch and then pulled her down with him under the covers. "If you're going to make me wait on sex then you're at least going to let me hold you while we sleep."

That's why she loved him already. "I think a little Summers-Harris snuggle time is a' okay with me." She did just that, resting her head on his chest while slipping her leg between his. Xander switched off the TV. "Don't forget to mail those six letters in the morning."

"I won't."

"And you have to pick up my dry cleaning before 5:30 PM. I won't be back in the city to do it myself."

"Okay honey."

"And we need some milk."

"Cow sauce. Gotcha, honey."

"Don't forget to call Oz and get the address for where his band's playing this weekend. I accidentally erased it off the answering machine."

"I'll remember honey."

"What would you say if I told you I was thinking of going back to my natural hair color?"

"Honey, go to sleep. Please." She chuckled in his arms.

"Okay, honey."

* * *

Week 7

* * *

**"Rumors"**

**A pool hall/lounge**

**1717 West Pullman Place**

**Monday, November 7, 2005 8:30 PM **

**Cleveland, Ohio **

With Stone Temple Pilots providing the background noise, Jared Kohl settled in at the bar.

The kindly old landlord of his new Brownstone apartment building told him that 'Rumors' had a dark, smoky, laid-back kind of mood to it. Just what he was looking for tonight. The pool hall was well known for its bartending, cheap food, good-looking women, and lots of suspicious looking characters. It's spacious quarters housed six 9-foot Gold Crown tables with Simonis 860 cloth, leather furniture, and 2 big screen TVs with either videos or sports playing all the time.

Nursing a beer at the bar, Jared scanned his surroundings for the evening and felt right at home. He wasn't one for big crowds so this place was right up his alley. His first night in Cleveland was supposed to be spent preparing for his newest assignment, but the very long flight from the West Coast left him restless and needing to unwind.

He wasn't exactly looking forward to spending the next four and a half months in Cleveland, Ohio. Especially with a predicted brutally cold winter on the horizon. Alas, the 26-year-old California native would just have to make

due. At least this job would compensate him very well for his troubles.

Emerald green eyes closely observed the people around him. He always had a knack for being able to keep his eyes on multiple things at the same time. He had a good focus that way. And while he enjoyed the appreciative stares of two lovely ladies at the end of the bar, it was the ravishing long dark hair of woman ruling over the pool table by the wall that drew his undivided attention.

Thirty minutes passed as he watched her.

She was captivating.

Ever since he arrived he's listened to her daring anyone around to play a game. Twenty-dollar bets had already netted her a couple of hundred dollars stacked in a neat pile no one had the balls to touch. Jared saw that she knew how to play a good game, but the vast majority of her opponents were men who were spellbound by her blunt sex appeal before they even picked up their stick.

She had game. That was for sure.

She'd flirt at first just to make them miss a shot or two. Other times the sight of her tight jeans as she bent over took the guys completely out of their game. Skill blended with her mental edge to insure success left her the winner every time.

That was obviously her plan all along.

There was just something about the way she walked... the way she threw her head back after drinking a shot... she had a fire in her belly. Jared knew it. He could see it in her dark eyes. And he was drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

After she brushed off her latest mark, a biker type who seemed to take it all in stride, Jared rose to his full 6'3 height and walked over to her table. It was now or never and he just had to meet her. "Can I have next?"

"Treat the table like a stripper. Slap your twenty right there," Faith pointed with her pool cue without

looking up. When she finished adding her latest winnings to the pile she took in the sight of her newest challenger.

Damn, she thought when she got a good look at him.

If that deliciously muscular frame weren't on full display beneath the gray sweatshirt he wore, those killer dimples would have just about killed her. He had a young Clive Owens thing going for him. His unruly short dark hair had a lawbreaker quality to it. He wore a killer smile and had gentle green eyes that seemed as kind as they were passionate. He moved like a man that knew how to please a woman all night long.

He definitely had her attention. Faith knocked back another shot before speaking again. "What's your name?"

"Jared."

"Faith," she replied in kind, exhaling a drag. "What's your game?"

"Cutthroat."

Faith nodded. She was familiar with that variation of pool. "Call it."

"Odd numbers," Jared replied while grabbing a pool cue from the wall rack.

"You can go first."

"Are you feeling that lucky?" Her smirk said it all.

"That stack of money over there don't lie, now does it?"

Cutthroat pool was a simple enough game. The two players choose the odd or even numbered balls. Once you rack the table as you would for a traditional game of 8-ball, the object was to eliminate all the balls on the table that weren't yours. Easier said than down and not a game to be played by amateurs.

Jared broke the table first while Faith watched him with a cancer stick dangling from her lips. He seemed focused on the game and not on her. Unlike the other men she played tonight, she might not be able to sway him with her sexuality. At least not yet. She briefly wondered if he was gay, then dismissed that thought. She had some gay buddies at the bike shop she worked at and her gaydar was on point.

Jared was all man and played to win. She knew it would only feel more satisfying when he lost.

"I haven't seen you around here before."

Jared set up the 2-ball and knocked it down. "I'm from California. My flight landed earlier today." He searched for his next shot, rounding the table.

"Business of pleasure?"

"Business," he groaned after missing the 4-ball. "I'm going to be in Cleveland for a couple of months."

"I used to live in Cali myself."

"Where?" He watched her set up her first shot and was determined to focus on her strategy and not how damn sexy she looked. That wasn't an easy task.

"Sunnydale." People's reactions never ceased to amuse her when she mentioned her once upon a time stomping ground. They all got that mystified look in their eyes.

"The city that sank into the ground?"

"The one and only." Faith nailed the 5-ball in the corner pocket. She noticed how into the game he way. He wasn't staring holes in her... yet. "You single?"

Blunt and straight forward. He instantly liked that about her. "It's not gonna work."

Faith didn't look up. "What isn't?"

"You trying to flirt with me to get me off my game," he smiled, as it seemed to annoy her just a bit. "I saw how you won those other games. I'm not so easily taken."

Faith nailed the 7 ball. "It doesn't matter to me. I'll win one way or another."

And she did just that, winning that first game without yielding the stick again. Jared slipped her a twenty and asked for a rematch. Of course she accepted. Same rules only they switched numbers. This time she broke the table.

After nailing the 6-ball Faith noticed Jared bending down beside the table. "What's up?"

Angling his head under the huge table, he replied, "My cell phone fell under th..." He didn't get the chance to finish as one side of the huge table simply lifted up. His eyes widened when he saw that Faith was holding it up with one hand. Furthermore, she wasn't struggling in the least. "Let me guess. Steroids?"

"Budweiser. Now get your phone. I want my twenty bucks." Yeah, she was showing off and she knew it. She was having fun and Jared certainly wasn't hard on the eyes. "So what do you do for a living?"

He hesitated for a moment. His mom hated his job as much as his sister did. "I'm in the information business."

"Professional stalker?"

"Investigator," he added.

Faith's brows narrowed. "You a cop?" He shook his head.

"Private. Hired by clients for all those not so savory reasons."

"You not after me, are you? I made all my parole hearings." His eyes seemed to question if she were joking or telling the truth. What was cool was that he didn't seem to care either way. "I did a two and a half year bid back in Cali."

He hadn't seen that one coming. "What for?"

"Bad shit from another lifetime," Faith revealed in a far away tone while nailing the 2-ball. "So what's your newest case, Perry Mason?"

And he thought his last girlfriend was funny with the P.I jokes. Then again that was three years ago. "I can't tell you."

"Why not?" she smiled wickedly his way. The kind of smile that usually made men do whatever she wanted. "I promise I won't tell."

She was bad news and he knew it. Problem was that he liked bad news. "A married couple," he simply stated, not thinking that small nugget of information was all that specific. "That's all you're getting."

"That's usually my line to the boys."

"Why am I not surprised?"

Jared took game number 2, much to Faith's annoyance. After the game he couldn't take his eyes off her and she enjoyed that a bit more than she wanted too. When he offered to buy a round of drinks and a plate of hot wings, she accepted.

It was on his dime after all.

And he was nice. As far as Faith was concerned, nice guys were in very short supply. They ended up talking and playing three more games before calling it a night...

... and exchanging phone numbers.

* * *

Week 8

* * *

**Abbey Market Grocery **

**1922 Abbey Avenue**

**The parking lot**

**Thursday, November 10, 2005 4:30 PM **

**Cleveland, Oh **

"Excuse you!" Buffy grumbled as she walked out of the grocery store after almost being run over by baseball cap wearing teenager on a skateboard. As if that wasn't annoying enough after having waited in the worlds longest line due to only one electronic cash register was working, Cleveland's version of Fall weather chilled her sleeveless arms as she made her way to the car.

Aside from the endless array of vampires, demons, witches, shape-shifters, cults, and the traditional end-of-the-world apocalypse you could mark your calendar by every May; she really missed Sunnydale

sometimes. Or maybe it was just California's gorgeous warm weather and clear skies.

Nonetheless, she reached her car and tossed her bags in the back seat before climbing in the driver's side. With work behind her and the food shopping done, Buffy felt as if the day had finally ended. She smiled as this evenings prospects loomed before her. And she definitely had plans for this evening.

The soft hum of her 2004 Maxima's engine came to life as the heater's soothing warmth lifted about. Her cell phone's 'Jingle Bells' ring tone suddenly echoed from her purse. Why oh why did her normal-challenged husband add that to her phone as his personal ring tone yesterday? Grinning despite the silliness of it, she attached her earpiece and answered the call. "One question. Why 'Jingle Bells'?"

"One answer. The holidays are near and it was free after the other three ring tones I had already purchased for my cell phone."

"So you took the cool ones and I was the freebie?"

"It was either 'Jingle Bells' or the 'Terminator' theme song. I chose the happier of the two."

"You cheap bastard."

"Only for a couple more months, oh wonderful wife of mine."

Compliments were cute. Especially when they alluded to the millions they woulkd be collecting in a couple of months. Pulling into traffic, Buffy felt the stress of her day slowly fade. "Are you on your way home?" His sigh on the other end wasn't as unwelcome as he probably thought it would be. "What is it?"

"I'm waiting on three important faxes that I have to sign and make copies of. Then I have a foreman's meeting in an hour. I'm sure some of those guys are going to be late due to most of them being stationed all over the

place. At best I'll be home sometime before 7:00 PM." With his eyes shut, seated at his desk inside his office, Xander groaned his frustration.

Buffy thought her husband sounded as if his day hadn't been a particularly good one. All the better for what she had planned tonight. "I get the feeling your day was craptacular."

"I think we can safely add the label 'pyschic' to your pedigree of abilities right alongside beheading demons and lifting heavy objects," he half-joked while staring at his accursed fax machine. Going home right now would be a blessing if for no other reason than to see his wife. Lately they've been so much more affectionate and have found that meshing their lives together wasn't as hard a task as he thought it would be. "My office got chewed out but good today because of blah, blah, blah reasons that are mostly crap to begin with. I worked right through lunch so I'm starving and my dear sweet in-her-last-trimester secretary just can't do much. I spilled coffee on my pants so now I look oh so mature, and I have a headache."

"Poor baby," Buffy purred compassionately. She really wanted to give him a hug.

"How was your day Mrs. Harris?"

Buffy knew how much he absolutely loved calling her that. She took great pride in it as well. "Putting together the multiple grant proposals for the counseling center's funding for next year is always fun," she added sarcastically while weaving through traffic. She accidentally ran a stop sign, but luckily no cops were near by. No one would ever know. "I talked to two girls today who are being physically abused by their boyfriends. Both detailed reasons why their boyfriends aren't really bad guys and how they could be better girlfriends. Unfortunately, it was a typical day."

Xander sympathized with what she dealt at work. Especially those days when the help she extended wasn't

taken. "Do you think you'll leave that job when we... you know?"

"Honestly, no." In a strange way Buffy's quick response suprised even her. "The pay isn't very good but I like helping young people. I seem to, for whatever reason, be good at it. It fulfills something in my life. And it's work that matters and makes me feel good at the end of the day. Plus, I got that snazzy computer in my office."

Tossing a glare at his sucktastic E-Machines computer, Xander muttered, "I am suffering from a severe case of computer envy. Your Gateway rocks."

"Yes it does," she agreed. No doubt he was glaring at his work computer. He often said it hated him from the moment he turned it on. It amused her to no end how Xander felt some devices or appliances simply did not like him if it didn't work right.

"So where's my girl off too?"

Sparing a glance at the wedding band, Buffy challenged, "Your girl?"

"Yeah," Xander declared manlier tone of voice, puffing his chest out. "My girl. You are my girl. Now where are you going, oh girl that is mine?"

He had some nerve, even if it was true. "To my Latin lover's penthouse for some hot evening bang-bang."

"That was evil and cruel. Especially seeing as how I am bored out of my mind and have been devoid of bang-bang for months now."

That could be changing in a matter of hours, Buffy thought wickedly to herself. She hoped her voice didn't betray hr enthusiasm for tonight. "I just left the grocery store. I bought some stuff so that I could cook us dinner tonight. And since you're going to be late it gives me ample time to prepare a feast." His silence preceded the reaction she knew was to come. He was as predictable as ever.

"Uhm Buff. The police don't like it when you cook."

"That was in Paris and I blame the World War 1 stove I had."

"You've caused kitchen fires in three different countries."

"The past is the past. I don't talk about your high school wardrobe."

"Hey," he said defensively. "My wardrobe was indicative of the style at the time."

"If that style was 1960."

"At least I can make biscuits."

"Biscuits are overrated anyway."

"Unlike my old apartment, your apartment lease has a clause about you cooking."

"It doesn't have a clause, only a suggestion that I not do it often. Those two fires were not my fault. No charges were ever filed."

"Do I have to bring up the infamous 'pie fiasco' that sent me to the ER?"

Even Buffy had to admit her contribution to the '04' Thanksgiving dinner had its problems. "It's not my fault you have a 'My Little Pony' digestive track."

"I have a cast iron stomach. What you made should have been sent to the Department of Homeland Security for investigation."

"I am not a terrorist cooker."

"Honey, you were born to kill things, save the world, and look good doing it. You were not born to baste, bake, fry, bar-b-que, boil, or grill anything for human consumption."

For that knock alone he's not going to get to see her in her old cheerleading outfit tonight. "I have improved a great deal with cooking. You even said so yourself last week. I haven't had a fire in weeks and I'm slowly mastering certain dishes. I may not be Martha Stewart, but I'm not the Unabomber of the kitchen either."

Buffy pouted behind the wheel and even though Xander couldn't see her he knew she was pouting. It was a married thing. "Yeah, you have gotten better. I was just teasing you. I'm very proud you haven't set off one fire alarm in thirty four straight days."

"Exactly." Happy to have hit the expressway just before rush hour traffic, Buffy gunned the gas on her way

home. "Tonight I want to make us a home cooked meal. I want to have a traditional evening with my husband."

"Why when we're the masters of takeout and the king and queen of pick-up?"

"I'm making spaghetti and sausage, your favorite. I promise it'll be great."

She avoided the question altogether. As Xander mentally went over all the important dates in her, his, and their lives he couldn't come up with today being anything special or romantic. "You don't have to do this Buff."

This morning when she was out of their apartment building and was already behind the wheel of her car about to pull off to go to work, fresh from the shower robe-wearing Xander came barreling out of the building entrance toward her. She had forgotten one of her work folders. He handed it to her and then gave her a kiss before she drove off. That was as small and simple a gesture as one could be a yet she found it sweet and endearing just the same. In that one little moment something became so crystal clear she knew she had to do something special tonight to celebrate it.

Something she hadn't done before.

"You there honey?"

"Yeah, Xan. Sorry," Buffy offered apologetically as she made a right turn. "Tonight's a special night. Just trust me, okay?"

"Always."

Buffy smiled. "Good."

"Soooo," he just had to try this. "Care to give your hubby a hint?" He imagined her beautiful smile and longed to see it. The clock just wasn't moving fast enough.

"When dinners over... and the candles have been blown out... and the music goes off," she spoke softly for his ears alone, "There might be some love making involved." His loud gulp left her a little light-headed with glee. She took a deep breath as the moment sunk in. "You there honey?" she returned to him.

"Just for my sanity's sake, you didn't say there might be some cake making involved, right?"

"Not at all," she assured him.

"You said love making?"

The vocal change in his voice was obvious. He sounded as if Christmas had come early this year. Buffy loved the sound of that. "Finish up all your work, bring that legendary appetite of yours home, and prepare for a night you'll never forget. Bye sweetheart." Buffy pressed end on the phone and then parked. Finally at home she grabbed her bags and ran up the steps to her apartment buildings entrance.

After tossing a couple of polite hello's to neighbors on her way to the elevator, she rode it to her floor, exited and walked down the hell with purpose in her every step.

Then her heart stopped at the sight just down the hall. The tall, handsome man standing in front of the hallway window's sunny glow, facing the east side of the building just outside her apartment. She thought she was seeing things. She had to be. And then she blinked and realized that as unbelievable as the sight before her was, it was real.

One name fell softly from her lips. "Angel."

His eyes softened the moment he caught sight of her. "Buffy."

She dropped her bags.

* * *

30 Minutes Later

* * *

The present seemed to eerily resemble the fairytale dream she once hoped for in her heart of hearts. A beloved dream from her past that had gently faded into a fond memory, now stood before her in stark reality. And for the life of her nothing had ever felt so surreal.

Buffy sat on the armrest of the couch in the living room, hands clasped in her lap as Angel circled the room while detailing the amazing last six months of his life. For the friends and family he'd lost due to Wolfram and Hart he'd dedicated himself to erasing the Senior Partners from existence or die trying. Funny how things turned out in reverse.

Angel was now human. 100 human in every way. And Buffy was as freaked out by that fact as she was pleased that he had earned his long sought after reward.

When the last surviving Senior Partner was killed Angel regained his humanity. The great and ancient evil had finally been vanquished. Buffy listened closely as his story took on a life of its own. Such a sad tale had thankfully come to an end. The joy and wonder he spoke with when he described his first breath of clean air stirred something emotionally powerful inside her. The first warm meal he enjoyed after the transformation and his first good nights sleep in well over a century were conveyed with a sense of genuine appreciation for life.

Had she ever seen him so filled with hope?

Sparing Buffy a quick glance from the corner of his eye, Angel took her silence as the shock of his news and presence settling in. He understood the feeling. He was still experiencing it days later himself. That aside, she was as painfully beautiful as ever. And he knew that his heart didn't beat because of the blood now rushing through it. It beat because of her. "I saw Giles in Europe."

Buffy lifted her head, looking his way as she ran her fingers through her hair. A force of habit when she had a lot on her mind. Angel stood with his back to the wall next to the window. The suns golden rays seemed to illuminate his return to the land of the living. "I'm sure he was as surprised to see you as I am."

"I wanted him to know what happened. With Wolfram and Heart disbanded and the Senior Partners all dead that's one less threat the Watchers Council has to worry about."

"Until new Senior Partners emerge."

"I'm trying to think on the positive side," he noted sarcastically while enjoying the grin that curled her lips. He truly lived in the moment he saw that. "I asked him where you were and how you were doing. I hope you don't mind."

Respectfully, he's kept his distance the whole time. But she can feel what his hopes are in the way his stare drank in the sight of her. He longed to reach for her, or for her to come to him. She felt that and oh what she would have given for this moment years ago. Her conflicted feelings felt like water through her hands. "It's okay. I wasn't exactly hiding."

"Or alone," he added calmly, lifting a picture frame of Xander holding Buffy in his arms from a desk. There were other pictures of her friends; those he recognized and new ones, but no less than five were of her and Xander alone. Pictures that weren't in platonic in the least. To say he feared this might happen someday was correct. Buffy's neutral expression offered no explanation as of yet. "Can I assume things have changed between you two?"

What he hoped to ask in his best whimsical tone didn't fool Buffy. Hurt laced the tenor of his voice. She hated

that. "Yes," she acknowledged. "Things are very different now." His acceptance came with a look and then he turned away. That was as much as he could concede right now. "I'm happy."

"That's all I've ever wanted," he sighed, hands in his pockets. He fought hard not to look at her and failed. Her beauty hadn't waned in the least. Tempered by age she was far lovelier now than even he had remembered. Through blood, sweat, and tears she had earned her shot at a real life and he couldn't be happier for her. His dream of someday sharing that with her... He ached to hold what he had always hoped would be his one day. He had questions and yet feared the answers. "Spike said to tell you hi?"

Buffy realized she hadn't thought of him in months. "How's he doing?"

"He opened up a demon bar in Wales," Angel said, hoping that small talk might ease the tension between

them. "It's called 'The Bloody Hell'."

"Spike the businessman?" Buffy took the title out for a spin and then laughed. "I never saw that one coming."

Angel knew the feeling. "He said he ate one once and that it must have rubbed off on him."

"His humor just isn't normal humor, is it?"

"No, but then again, who's normal?"

"I am," Buffy announced as the present and not the way things were in the past. Summoning her fortitude, she approached Angel at last; arms crossed, and said, "I'm so proud of you. I knew you would earn your humanity and I never doubted that you would. You deserve this."

"Thank you." The rosy scent of her perfume clouded his senses with an air of need. Standing by the window with her as the sun slowly fell on another day seemed so right. And yet those pictures of her and Xander, with Buffy wearing that joyous smile of hers, tore at his soul. "So what's new with you?"

He had to begin somewhere, she surmised. Conversation would take her mind off the fact that in some insane, inexplicable way she still felt something... "I'm... I'm busy with work and all," she began softly. "Xander and I are doing well. Everyone else is too."

She could tell he wasn't interested in anyone else. Not because he was a jackass, but because he had flown across the ocean for her. It wasn't ego that led her to that conclusion. It was all in the way he looked at her. His haunting eyes filled with such longing.

"Why are you here?" Buffy asked at last.

Angel peered at the pictures and then the woman before him. "Apparently I'm a few years late."

The edge to his voice was unmistakable. "Do better than that."

For some reason a small part of him flared angrily at her tone, and then he humbled himself. "I just had to see you."

"You could have called. We could have set up a get together or something. Faith would love to hear your news. Does she know you're in town?"

How had things changed so much, Angel thought to himself? Where were the kisses without end at the news that his curse was broken and the life they had both wanted more than anything else was finally within their

grasp? Didn't she still ache for him the way he did for her? "I haven't called her yet."

Buffy insisted, "You should."

"I couldn't stop thinking about you," he finally confessed. Something warm stirred behind her lovely hazel

eyes. Something he so desperately needed to see again. "As badly as I have wanted this humanity, you made it worth something at the end of the day."

Unsettled by his words, Buffy lifted her eyes and met his gaze. 'Alive. My God he's alive and here and he still wants me,' she couldn't help thinking those thoughts no matter what. She took a deep breath for perspectives

sake. "Things are different now."

"How?"

"You don't want to know."

"Are you in love with Xander?"

"That's none of your business," was her spontaneous, defensive reply. She wanted nothing more than to take those words back. They weren't the right answer. "My life is my own now. You need to find one for yourself."

"I know the one I want," he stated while taking a step toward her. When she took a step backward she found the couch behind her blocking her escape. "I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but after wanting this for so long I have to at least let you know I'm still in love with you." Moisture seemed to fill her eyes so he pressed

onward. "And that I want us. Or at least the chance to try."

"It's been years, Angel. Nothing is the way it was when we used to be together."

"Of course it isn't. But some things... some feelings remain no matter what happens to us in life."

Buffy swallowed hard as his intense presence loomed over her. "And what about what I want?"

"Tell me what that is and I'll move heaven and earth to give it to you."

'I already have it', died on her tongue as her lips quivered. Her mouth parted slightly and she whimpered in an intimate breath as the moment charged with something old and hoped for. Something past tense that used to mean the world to her.

And then his warm hands found her face and he kissed her that very instant.

And for a brief moment Angel drowned in the sweetness of her lips. In the thrall of the moment, only to find Buffy unresponsive. And yet she didn't shove him away. That had to mean something.

The front door opened... and then violently slammed shut.

Pulling away from the kiss, Buffy gasped sharply and then rushed from Angel's embrace. "Xander..." she was barely able to utter his name as the horrified picture of her husband standing there with a bouquet of roses crumbled something inside her. That expression soon turned to a building rage.

"What the hell is going on here?"

A mounting swell of anger came over Xander that Buffy knew was justified and yet she still hoped to somehow quell. Rounding the couch quickly, she knew excuses were useless here. How in the hell could she have let this happen? "I'm sorry, but please let me explain. Please," she pleaded with him.

Glancing from his wife to the brooding Angel standing in the corner, the only thing Xander wanted to do was throw him out the window he stood next to. He tossed the bouquet across the room. They landed in the dining room, splintering from the bouquet across the floor. "What is there to explain when I come home and you're kissing another man in our apartment? I'd love to see you try and explain that."

Nothing but the straight truth would do any good here and Buffy knew it. "Angel stopped by half a hour ago. He came to tell me that he regained his humanity after he killed Wolfram and Harts last Senior Partner. He went to see Giles directly after that and found out where I lived."

None of that mattered to her husband and Buffy knew it. Especially after the 'he regained his humanity' part. A hurt began to set in as she dreaded what he must be assuming.

"We were talking and..." Buffy paused, trembling as tears began to moisten her eyes. Dammit, how could she have allowed this to take place? "Something happened and he kissed me. I didn't push him away and it only just happened before you opened the door. I don't return his feelings and I am so, so sorry, Xander."

Angel looked on without saying a word. There was more to learn from his silence then anything else.

"So you finally traded blood for V-8 juice, huh? You're sunlight friendly and curse free now. Pardon me if I don't care." Brushing past his wife, Xander's fury carried him to Angel, now standing before him. "You have a lot of nerve coming into my home and kissing my wife."

Angel's brows knitted tight as he swore he could not have heard what he did. "Wife?" he uttered as if it were the most foreign thing he had ever said. Xander's glare intensified as did his, only now focused on Buffy. "Buffy never mentioned it."

A bitter laugh came as Xander could only nod slowly. And then he turned around. This was damn familiar, the black feeling he had in his gut. So fucking familiar and still as painful as he remembered. "So he's here half an hour and standing right next to a desk filled with pictures of us and yet you don't mention one time we've been married for almost two months?"

Xander wasn't looking at her because he probably couldn't. At the moment Angel's hurt expression couldn't matter to her. Buffy made her way to Xander's side and reached for his arm, only to have it snatched away as he put distance between them. She felt horrible that instant. Her voice cracked sadly. "I should have said something and I didn't. But not for the reasons you might think."

"Oh really?" Xander fired back. "To me it sounds like the last thing you wanted was for the love of your life to know that you married another man. That's how it sounds to me. And since you were kissing him just now how else am I supposed to take it?"

Buffy's voice cracked, "You could try and listen to me."

"I thought I meant more to you than this."

"You have to know what you mean to me," Buffy pleaded with him, though he wouldn't let her get any closer. She bravely fought off a wave of tears. "My present and future is with you. I don't have any regrets."

"You just kissed Angel and couldn't tell him you were married to me. That speaks volumes."

It was vastly disrespectful to him and them. Buffy could only lower her head in shame. "I am so sorry, Xander. I never purposely left that out. He's only been here thirty minutes. Please sit down so we can talk."

"Talk to him. I don't have one fucking thing to say to you right now." Xander stormed out of the apartment, leaving Buffy staring at the door slammed shut a moment ago.

* * *

**Willow's apartment**

**1700 Clairmont**

**Thursday, November 10, 2005 6:45 PM**

**Cleveland, Ohio**

"People actually threw chairs?"

"Not because of the music."

"Of course not. Perish the thought." Willow grinned at Oz's need to reassure her of that obvious fact. With her legs crossed comfortably after work, she relaxed on her couch with the phone to her ear and a pillow beneath

her head. "But still, people actually threw chairs?"

"I surprised myself with how swiftly I dodged the one thrown at the stage. My drummer wasn't so lucky."

"Talk about an energetic crowd."

"Apparently chair-thrower number one was enjoying a drink at the bar with chair-thrower number two's girlfriend, who I believe wasn't supposed to be there. Chair-thrower number two didn't take to kindly to that. Ten minutes later my band and I were scrambling off stage for our lives. It was quite disturbing to say the least."

"Were you hurt?"

Her concern was cute. "Not even my pride."

Willow breathed a sigh of relief. "Look at it this way. Maybe your bands music was so spectacular that... Uhm... Okay, perhaps... on second thought, while it was probably great it might have been to great." Oz made a sound that closely resembled a laugh. With him you were never to sure.

"The song we were playing was a very lively, crowd pleasing tune."

"What was the name of the song?"

"Dead and buried."

Oz. A complex man indeed. "Hmm... Such a cheerful title."

"Was that a mock?"

"Of course not. I don't mock. I have no part in the mocking of anything. I'm anti-mock. I was born devoid of mock."

While loading his van with the bands equipment, Oz felt he was pretty darn lucky to be able to enjoy Willow-babble. It was one of his most favorite things to do. "I retract the question." Interesting sounds of clatter came from her end of the phone. "What are you up to?"

Willow looked on as dishes and cups were washed by a floating towel, and then were spun rapidly from the sink on their way to the open coverts above it. They settled in an orderly fashion. "I'm washing dishes," she explained and then with a silently mouthed spell that sent her broom from its corner perch to sweeping the kitchen floor. "I'm quite domestic these days."

"Why do I smell magic brewing? You've been watching Bewitched reruns again, haven't you?"

Quickly changing the channel to hide her guilt, she added, "Now who's mocking whom?"

"Touché." Flirting, or at least what Oz hoped would become flirting was the goal at hand. His brilliant, quirky, mystically-inclined good friend was also a very beautiful woman he's fought his attraction to her ever since she moved to Cleveland. Time has passed and he feels they've reconnected enough to maybe try that crazy dating thing again.

"You're quiet."

"I'm always quiet," Oz replied a bit nervously. "I was just thinking."

"About?"

"Uhm, if you were planning on eating dinner Friday night?"

Interesting... And not all together surprising in the least. They've been building toward this ever so slowly for months now. A giddiness swept over Willow, causing her to sit up on the couch. "I do usually eat dinner in the evening time on Fridays, so the prospect seems good that I will." Teasing him was one of the fun parts of

her day. "Do you usually eat dinner on Friday evenings?"

"It's become a habit."

"Cool. We have a habit we share."

That seemed like a good enough segue way if there ever was one. Oz took a deep breath. "Speaking of sharing, what would you say to us sharing the habit of eating dinner on Friday night by doing it together at the same time?"

Dear, sweet, charming Oz. Willow had waited so long for this she wondered if she was going to have to make the first move. Thankfully, she doesn't. "I am more than a little agreeable to that." If you think you can hear someone smile on the other end of a phone then Willow felt she just did. "How about this Friday? Is 6:30 PM okay."

"I'll be there with bells on." He then continued oh so calmly, "The phrase being I'll be there and not that I will actually be wearing bells."

"I should hope so for the future rock star. Bells are to gypsy-ish."

"Your support is endearing." Slamming the vans side door, Oz leaned against it, pleased that he now had a date with Willow etched in stone. The tough part was over. "So how are Buffy and Xander doing? I haven't spoken to them in a week." Her slightly annoyed sigh quickly caught his attention. That was fast becoming the expected response to any questions about her two closest friends. "What is it?"

"Nothing," Willow replied a little to hastily on the heels of her mood taking a downturn. "I guess their okay. I mean, I spoke to Xander twice this week, but only for like five minutes. Buffy keeps him busy I suppose."

Knowing her well enough to know when something was bothering her, Oz pressed forward gently. "They seemed pretty happy to me last time they saw me play at the Basement."

"There was a lot of alcohol involved that night as well. Dawn was their designated driver."

"Wills, can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"What is your problem with Buffy and Xander?"

"I don't have a ..."

"Yes, you do. Everyone can tell except them, but no one knows why."

"You all talk behind my back?"

"Faith started it."

"You obviously participated."

"I listened."

"Just listened?"

"Willow, you're changing the subject."

A sudden, faint throb of a headache coming on seemed like the perfect precursor to talking about her two best friends. Or was it former friends? "I just think they married entirely to fast. And now Buffy acts like Xander can't do anything without her. They acting weird sometimes. Like they're keeping secrets."

"Well, they are married now."

There was no one in the room to see her eyes roll. "I know that," she conceded. "It's just so strange and I'm having a hard time adjusting to how things are now versus the way they used to be."

"Are you sure it isn't something else?"

Oz rarely alluded to anything, so his question came as a surprise. "Like?"

He's dreaded this topic for a while now. "Something to do specifically with Xander?"

Wherever would he get that idea? Then again, she couldn't fool herself that Xander didn't play a part in her frustration. The problem was... even she wasn't exactly sure why she felt the way she did. "There used to be three of us, Oz. The Scooby Gang three plus our mentor and no dog. We didn't have a van either. And even when the old gang grew the three of us were a constant no matter who came into our lives."

Willow continued, "All of a sudden, poof, there's just me. One big poof and the three of us are all gone without even a hint that it would happen. And now I don't get my late night phone calls or secret sharing sessions or anything like that with either of them because they have that with each other."

"So you're feeling left out?"

"I feel like he was taken from..." she started to say quickly, and then paused when she realized what she was about to say. Oz probably wouldn't like how she would have finished that sentence, and even where she left it was clear enough.

A knock at the door suddenly drew her attention. "Hold on a second."

"K."

Hopping off the couch, she walked to the door and looked through the peephole. Xander stood alone in the hallway looking every bit as lost as she had ever seen him. Her heart sank. "Oz, I have to go. Can I call you back later?"

"Sure," he replied a bit dejected.

"Thanks, bye." Pressing end, she tossed the phone on the couch and then swung the door open. "Hey," she offered in greeting. Xander strolled past her without a word, hands in his pockets, face scowled darkly. She shut the door, and then stood with her back to it, watching him closely.

This was bad.

Real bad.

Raking his fingers through his hair was a clear sign of severe Xander distress. Willow followed him as he paced a circle around her living room. "What happened?"

Xander stopped cold and laughed bitterly. He turned around, shaking his head. "Only the inevitable in my life. If the worst case scenario exists it'll be tested out on me."

"You're not making any sense."

"And that's new?"

"Is someone sick or hurt?"

"Not in the physical sense, Wills."

Willow could all but see the angry vibs lifting off of him. "Start from the beginning."

"Well, lets see. My day sucked on the scale of a Las Vegas hooker. Everything that could go wrong did, but then the sun came out this evening when Buffy told me she was going to make us dinner and then we were going to... relax.. So at least I could look forward to that, you know." He wasn't about to tell her that he hadn't even made love to his wife yet. As it stood now it looked like that might never take place. "So I manage to get off an hour earlier than I thought. Instead of calling Buffy to let her know that I was coming home early I decide to surprise her with a bouquet of roses."

Willow considered complimenting him for being so thoughtful until she caught sight of the somberness clouding his eyes. "That doesn't sound so bad so far."

"Oh, it gets better." He strolled around the room again with her following behind him. "So there I was riding the elevator up to my apartment about to surprise my wife with an expensive bouquet of roses for no reason other than I love her and what do I see when I open the front door?" He looked her dead in the eyes. "Go ahead, Willow. Guess?"

"Xander, don't do this. Just tell me what happened."

Anger so painful it left his hands trembling crawled through him as he stood before her. "I opened my front door and I saw Buffy and Angel kissing in the sunlight." His stoic delivery matched her expression until she seemed to take it as a joke, but only for a moment. When he didn't flinch he was sure she was waiting for the punch line. "Angel got his big Shansu. He's human and he's here in Cleveland. Apparently he found out where Buffy lived from Giles and came to visit her today."

"What?" Willow exclaimed as she tried to wrap her mind around what he said. Angel in Cleveland? He's human

now? Kissing Buffy? "How did he Shansu? It never really came with detailed directions."

"I don't know or care, Wills." Labored breathing saw Xander struggle to even get the words out. "He had his hands on her face and was kissing her. She was letting him kiss her. I... I just..."

This was all too much to take in. Willow gently grasped his forearm and led him over to the couch to sit down before he fell down. She sat on the small table in front of him. "Did they see you?"

"Yeah, they saw me. Buffy even tried to explain," Xander seethed in uttering every word. "Wait, it gets better. Angel had been there for thirty minutes before I arrived and at no time did Buffy even tell him we were married. How's that for the ole dagger to the heart, and then the gut, and then the heart a second time for good measure?"

As complex as her feelings have been concerning their marriage, Willow couldn't believe what she was

hearing. "What did Buffy say specifically to you?"

"It doesn't matter."

Willow ducked her head away from the pain she saw written all over his face. She struggled to reign in her own emotions while trying to decide the best way to help him with his. "Was Buffy kissing him back or did he just grab her?"

"THEY WERE KISSING! THAT'S ALL I SAW!" After shouting at her Xander quickly turned apologetic. "I'm sorry."

Lifting her hand, she brushed his hair affectionately while leaning in closer. "It's okay. I can see how hurt you are."

"I just don't understand," came as soft as a whisper. He sat partially hunched over, with Willow sitting in front of him. "I thought we were happy. It felt like we were in a really good place, you know? But to see her kissing Angel of all people, and to hear that she didn't even tell him we were married just... I don't get it."

As complicated as whatever happened at his apartment was, Willow felt something similar happening here. Her heart went out to her best friend, and even more than that as she cupped his face tenderly. "Are you absolutely sure you couldn't have misinterpreted anything?"

"My vision has been perfect since the first time I ever opened my eyes." She seemed on the verge of tears over what he was going through and her compassion was sorely needed and appreciated. "Not that seeing Buffy kiss anyone wouldn't kill me, but why did it have to be Angel?"

"They had such a..." She stopped right there, offering no excuses for Buffy. The Slayer didn't deserve it. Or Xander. Or anything else if she could break his heart like this. "I don't know what to say."

"Yeah, well, join the clu..."

She kissed him... softly... the simple press of her lips to his, deepening just a little until he drew away, and then so did she. All the way to the other side of the room.

Xander stumbled up against the wall, swallowing hard for his breath, eyes bugged out. "I have officially entered the Twilight Zone."

Willow couldn't blink. She was stuck in blah blah blah land. Her brain tried to figure out why she did what

she did. Her heart was just shrugging its non-answer. "I... I..."

Xander loudly pointed out, "We haven't fluked in years."

"I don't want to fluke you," she replied in a little voice, hands in her lap. "At least, I don't think I do." She pondered the thought of her and Xander fluking again and shuddered. "I'm pretty sure I don't. And it's not because of your penis. I kinda like those again. I just don't want to fluke with yours."

"Why not," came rushing from his mouth until he realized how he said what he did. "I didn't mean it like that. Its just, I only want to fluke my wife."

"I know, I know. And I'm kinda leaning toward fluking Oz again."

"Good for you."

"Thanks," Willow nodded. When she looked up Xander had begun to smile, and then so did she. Soon they were laughing at the lunacy of what had just happened. Xander made his way back to her and sat down on the couch again.

"You've been acting a bit peculiar for a while now, Ms Rosenberg."

He always used her last name when he wanted to have a serious talk in their special way. "I know, Mr. Harris."

"What's the what?" She paused, searching for the words and seemed to come up empty. "Have I done anything to offend you?"

"No, of course not. It's just... I guess I feel like I'm in the backseat these days." Xander eyed her curiously, apparently lost on her meaning. "I feel like the person left off the soccer team because all the teams already have enough players." He kept staring and then scratched his head, tilted to the side. "I feel like the fourth Stooge when they can be only three." He didn't look any closer to figuring out where she was going with this. "I feel like the third wheel, alright."

"Oh..." Leaning forward, he took her hand in his. "So we're riding a unicycle?"

"Yeah, and it was always you, me, and Buffy. In that order," she tried to explain so that it made some sense even to her. "And its like when I wasn't looking or prepared for it you both decided to sell your stock in the unicycle and buy a two-seater bike and leave me on the side of the road in skates or something."

Xander kind of stared at her. "Wills, you've taken this train waaaayyyyy off the tracks."

She smiled at him. "I have always been a little possessive of you," she confessed while squeezing his hand. "I'm used to being number one to you and I always thought that when it was time to step aside and be number two it would happen very slowly and I'd have time to adjust. Then all of a sudden you tell me you're getting married to Buffy and then do it the next day. I didn't have time to adjust. And I've been holding in some resentment over that."

"You mean the world to me."

"But I'm not number one anymore. And even though I knew I was going to be number two someday I never thought it would be to Buffy. I always imagined us brooding over you being all husbandy with someone else, but being really happy for you. And then you married her and you spend all your time with her and share all your secrets and I used to have that with both of you. Minus the sex of course."

If only she knew, Xander thought in anything but a good mood. "I felt the same way when you were with Tara."

"You did?" He nodded. "I never knew that."

"For the longest time, before there was anyone else, there was us. It's not easy for me to think of someone being more important to you than I am. It never will be. But I know that doesn't mean you don't love me. And I could never, ever, ever, ever in a million years stop loving you with all my heart."

"But you're not in love with me," she stated rather than asked. "And I'm not in love with you either."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I am. I guess for one brief moment I just wanted something back that I never really lost. Hence the awkward, fluke-like smooch."

"So we're cool?"

"Of course we are. And we always will be." Oddly enough, Willow felt as if a weight had been lifted. As if she finally understood what she had been feeling for the last two months. Now she could focus on her very best

friend. "Xander, you told me the day before you married Buffy that you trusted me. Do you remember that?"

"Yeah." He had a feeling he knew where this was headed.

"What we just shared was a very weird moment, but it didn't mean anything."

"Don't defend her."

"I'm not defending her. I just want you to get your answers. You know why we kissed. You understand it. Now go find Buffy. Find out what her answers are. Listen to her."

"What if she..." Being without Buffy now, even the fear of it tore at his heart.

"You've survived everything life's thrown at you so far. And you'll never be alone because you have me. But before the doom and gloom sets in you need to find out what really happened and why. You need to let Buffy have her say and then decide from there with all the facts laid out. You owe her that much. Especially now."

It's going to be so wonderful in a couple of months when he can shock her with a brand new car. She deserved no less for always making sense of his life. He didn't feel all that much better, but at least he knew what he had

to do. As always, Willow righted the Xander ship. "I love you like a fat kid loves cake."

"Obesity is not to be made fun of, mister. Skinny kids love cake too." Willow hugged him tightly, "I love you so much," and then promptly kicked him out of her apartment so he could go get his answers. When he left she called Oz back.

She had a date to plan.

* * *

**Hicksmore Recreational Basketball Court**

**880 Winchester Dr**

**Thursday, November 10, 2005 9:30 PM**

**Cleveland, Ohio**

Warm rain began to fall...

Misty sprinkles of moisture accompanied Buffy Harris as she walked the few short blocks toward the basketball court not far from her apartment building. The dark, foreboding skies above matched her somber mood. The unseasonably balmy temperatures seemed the perfect compliment to the mystical curveballs she's had to deal with today.

Angel's unexpected return to the land of the living and her life were shocking to say the least. The timing could not have possibly been worse. Years and a lifetime ago to late, the back of her mind whispered. It wasn't that she never thought of him. She did fondly from time to time. Only now, she's moved on. The past was behind her. Dead and buried as so much of her history. To see him again shook the foundation of her heart.

But Xander's crestfallen, and then angry face broke it down completely.

Through the haze of drizzling rain and the streetlights glow she saw the basketball court ahead. The man in the gray sweatshirt moved like the man she loved. Tall and handsome. Solitary tonight. All alone shooting hoops to get his mind off the pain he can't run from.

Pain she is soley responsible for.

The weatherman predicted tonight's severe thunderstorm this morning, so it seemed people heeded the

warning. Buffy had the sidewalk all to herself as the streets were clearing of cars. People were going home to their loved ones, settling in peacefully for the night. Loud thunder rumbled a rhythm through the heavens. Sure signs of Mother Nature's imminent arrival.

Buffy didn't care that her blue jean coat was slowly being soaked through, or that her hair was limply

drenched. She paid no attention to the discomfort of her skirt clinging to her skin. The most important person in the world to her has endured the last few hours thinking he meant far less than that to her. Nothing she had to go through to get to him mattered at all until she set things right.

Reaching the basketball court on the other side of the park, Buffy tucked her hands inside her jacket pockets while making her way across the court to the far end where Xander was shooting and rebounding his own shots. She recognized the small earphones and MP3 player she bought him for his birthday. He was probably zoning out as the sky streaked lightening for a brief moment.

Xander was playing himself to exhaustion. Buffy had gotten used to his special brand of dealing with pressure or frustration. Normally he'd hit the gym for a hard workout. That helped more than anything else. That's what he's doing now and she hated it. She could sense the misery surrounding him.

The kiss she shared with Angel was a single act and by itself a betrayal, but not enough for him to be in this much pain.

Kissing Angel in particular and what that meant to him caused all of this.

Walking along the gate that surrounded the court, Buffy stopped short to watch over Xander. He hadn't noticed her yet, and for that she was grateful. Her mind was a whirl of thoughts all centered on him. What was meant to be a whimsical plot to get rich with a little romance on the side had somehow become the very foundation of her life.

Being married to Xander was the most fun she's ever had. No man has ever treated her as well as he does. No man's been so patient, or dependable, or worked so hard to include her in everything he did. She never had to reach for his hand when they went out. She never longed to hear of his attraction and desire for her. He adored making her blush whenever he made it crystal clear how bad he wanted her. And what he would do to her when she finally gave in.

Xander was the one all along who knew the Slayer was only a job and no more than that. He reminded her that her destiny was time sensitive and there would be a life for her removed from the insanity one day. He knew all of those things well before she did. He reiterated in a jokingly sincere manner that she hadn't reached her potential yet. That she hadn't peeked. That being the Slayer wasn't all there was to Buffy Summers, and that the world was beckoning her to come kick it's ass in any way she chose.

He knew her better than she knew herself. He loved her more than anyone ever had before. And he did it exactly how she had always wanted a man too.

Hot tears trickled down her cheeks as the rain fell. She struggled to reign in her regret, looking on as he took shot after shot. With a heavy heart she considered all he nights he's wanted her with his kisses and hands all over her body, only to be turned away time after time because she wanted to enjoy falling in love. She wanted to take her time with him and not rush into things like she had every other relationship before this one.

She denied him what she desperately wanted to give him. To give in to what she desired as well, and now he has the memory of her kissing another man in their home. The thought that he might feel like he's been made a fool of her made Buffy feel sick. When all day long she's thought of nothing else but making love to him tonight, all night, and now this.

Sometimes Buffy wondered if her luck in love weren't bad she wouldn't have any at all.

This loving, strong, wonderful man still hadn't heard her say the words that she knew he longed for. That he deserved. That she surely felt. Guilt ate away at her with each step she took; especially now when he finally turned around, staring at her like she's a ghost and not his wife.

Thunder rumbled in the distance as the muggy rainfall intensified, pelting the court in rapid succession. The salty air hung around them like a third party. They squared off without making a move closer to one another.

Xander wished her away in his mind while his heart ached for her. Buffy sensed she was on the verge of letting the most precious thing in her life slip through her fingers.

So she took those first careful steps toward him, taking the lead because al of this was her fault. The hard expression he wore didn't resemble the man she loved. She wasn't greeted with his familiar smile, or taken into his arms as soon as she was near. The thought of losing that caused her to shiver with fear.

Xander's sweatshirt turned a darker shade, now soaked clean through. Buffy wondered how long he'd been out in the rain, while hating she sent him there. "I'm sorry."

Words. They were just words. No matter how much he loved her, or how gorgeous she looked even now in the pouring rain, he couldn't let go of his anger. "I left our apartment an hour ago. I stayed for forty minutes. I was waiting for you, but obviously you had other more important things to do than work things out with me. You never came home. You never called my cell."

Her shoulders shuddered at the implication of what he might be imagining she's done in the last couple of hours. "I was with Angel."

"Why am I not surprised?" He moved away from her and took another shot. The ball careened off the rim and into the grass. He let it be. There was no avoiding this confrontation. "Why are you here?"

"Because I love you."

"Really?" he asked, wearing a bitter smirk that curled his lips. "Kissing another man in our home is a funny way of showing that."

His painful accusation was warranted. Buffy took it in stride. Since she caused the pain he's in she had to be the one to erase it. "The kiss was a huge mistake, Xander." She took a tentative step toward him, only to have him take one further away. The distance amplified how screwed up things were between them. Buffy pressed on carefully. "I told Angel everything about our marriage and the inheritance."

Throwing his hands up in the air as if his day couldn't possibly get any worse, he said over his shoulder, "I'm sure old Former Fangie got a real kick out of hearing that I had to offer you a couple of million dollars to get you to marry me. Boy oh boy I must look like tough competition for him now."

"Why we got married and why we're staying married are two totally different things," she confessed as the fabric of her blue jean jacket darkened from the showers. She walked up behind him, longing to reach out to him, but declined. His wounded pride wasn't something she ever intended to happen, but she did understand it. "I told him that we were close to dating before we got married and that now..." Her heart pounded inside her chest. It was time to put it all on the line. "Now I'm in love with you."

Laughing softly to himself, Xander wiped his face with the back of his hand while gazing at drops of liquid cascading down the side of her neck. The vision alone made him hungry for her even when his anger still burned. "Am I the only one who finds it amazingly ironic that the first time you tell someone you are in love with me it's not me?"

Buffy sighed as the storm poured down over them. "Does it even matter to you that I feel that way?"

"Did you feel that way when he was kissing you?"

"The kiss lasted barely four seconds. I didn't feel a thing. I didn't even return it."

"YOU STILL DID IT!" he shouted at her, his eyes narrowed tight. He hurt her and knew it. She was forced to look away. Good. And bad because he hated himself for it. "You kissed another man in our home, Buffy. One that is in love with you and probably wants you back."

"He does."

Xander didn't need to hear that. Then again, when was he spared anything? "Do you want him?"

"No," Buffy answered emphatically and final. She walked around him so that he had to face her. "I'm Mrs. Alexander Harris. That's who I am. Your wife. That's what matters to me most."

The heart inside his chest that she owned reveled in her words, though outwardly Xander refused to give her the pleasure of seeing it. "Am I enough for you?"

Her sadly hitched voice revealed, "More than enough. You're my everything."

"Are you sure?"

She had to talk a bit louder over the storm itself. "I am sure enough that after Angel and I left Faith's apartment because he wanted to see her, I dropped him off at the airport. I told him my life is with you because I want it to be. He knows I am only in love with you. I'm committed to us. I told him there was nothing for him in Cleveland. He's on a plane as we speak back to Europe." She finished after a deep, cleansing breath. "Again, I am so sorry."

"Willow and I kissed," Xander admitted out of the blue, his arms crossed his chest. Her neutral expression didn't change. He never expected it to. Of course she wouldn't believe him at first. Who would dare cheat on her? The arrogance of that statement was in the quiet way she saw things.

Buffy's jaw clinched hard. She waited and waited for him to take it back. He didn't. "Are you saying that to get back at me?" Her hope faded the longer he held his peace.

"I went to her place after I left our apartment. I talked to her and something happened between us."

What he said made no sense at all. Willow and Xander kissing? No... Buffy crossed her arms, looking away for a moment as she considered Willow's less than enthusiastic mood when she's been around them in recent weeks. The looks that borderline on resentful she tried to ignore. But at no time did she feel Xander was holding a torch

for her. "Wh... why did you kiss her?"

He closed the distance between them, calm and collected in the face of her moody hazel eyes. "She kissed me. Don't worry. It only lasted a few seconds."

"And I suppose you felt you deserved that?" Buffy snarled at him, swallowing hard before she choked on the swell of pain that flared inside her chest at the thought of Xander kissing another woman. Or that he might of liked it. Or wanted more.

Giving her a taste of her own medicine felt pretty damn good. "It was a mistake. I'm sorry."

A mock of her apology and with no more details offered. His need to hurt her underscored their relationship ever since day one. They could go from love to hate in a heartbeat. "Does she want you?"

"Does it matter?"

"Why did it happen?"

"Right place, right time."

"GO TO HELL XANDER!" she yelled at him, her fists balled tight. Her minds eye assaulted her with images of them kissing furiously. Is he telling her the whole truth? Could he have been so angry with her that he... She felt like walking away because the longer she stayed the more she would want to hit him. Or cry.

"Willow doesn't want me," Xander explained despite himself. Despite wanting her to feel what he felt and yet hating to see her hurting. "It was a moment and then it was over. I'm not at all interested in her either."

"Whatever," Buffy replied under her breath, and then out the corner of her eye saw him wearing a devilish smirk on his face. "I can't stand it."

"Now you know how I felt." His height towered over her and he loved it. "Now you get why it kills me to think of you kissing another man." When she ducked her head away from him he tipped her chin softly. "I've built my whole world around you. The thought of losing that terrifies me."

"You won't lose me."

"When you didn't tell Angel about us being married a part of me felt that you were ashamed of it. Or that just cared more about sparing his feelings than mine."

And to think one stupid kiss created all this. Buffy shook her head, and then wiped away a stray tears that fell over having ever made him doubt what he meant to her.

"I can't stop telling people I'm married to you, Buffy. That's how happy I am."

She felt worse than terrible. She felt sick with regret. "I have pictures of us on my desk at work, Xander. I have your picture in my purse. I love talking about being married to you." She held up her hand, exposing his gaze to her wedding band. "Wearing this means I'm bonded to you and I don't want anything else in the world. I am so sorry for ever making you doubt that, but I swear it won't happen again."

Drenched down to the t-shirt he wore beneath the sweatshirt, Xander still ached for his wife. "I believe you."

"I don't want Angel. I don't want Spike. I don't want Riley. I don't love any of them or anyone else." Finally she reached out and grabbed his sweatshirt with both hands. "I'm in love with you. And I know you're in love with

me." She pulled him closer, staring in his brown eyes. "The only man I want touching me is you."

"I still want to break his neck."

Even his jealousy turned her on, politically incorrect as that was to say. Here they were standing in this pouring rainstorm working out the angst of their lives.

Buffy moved against his chest, slipping her arms around his waist until their bodies pressed together. "I want you," she confessed seriously, resting her head against his chest. His hands circled her waist at last, squeezing her

tight. They held on in the rain, resting as one. "I need you."

Her lips were caressed deeply that very instant, taken sensuously without warning. Something hot swept over her insides, and when their mouths opened, their tongue massaged erotically. The heat of his erection throbbed against her stomach. The gentle swells of her ass where his hands groped unconsciously left her needy. The hard smacking sounds their lips produced couldn't grow any more intense, and so they broke apart last...

Buffy's hands were under his shirt, greedy for his bare flesh, pupils dilated fully. "Take me home now!"

* * *

**Buffy and Xander Harris's Apartment**

**321 Winchester Dr**

**Thursday, November 10, 2005 10:35 PM**

**Cleveland, Ohio**

Pitch-black empty best described their apartment building when they ran inside, dying to escape the raging storm.

A solitary flickering light greeted them when they reached the elevator at the end of the dark hallway. The bulb inside was nearly out, sparking from its perch above them as the doors shut, locking them inside.

All the air fled Buffy's lungs when she was pushed forcibly against the wall. Xander inhaled her exhale, and then hungrily attached his lips to hers. Her hands went after him, fingers raking through his wet hair, anchoring him to her. She couldn't get close enough. She felt like she was on fire, and the same was reflected in his eyes, and then his lips as they traveled across her cheek.

She moaned in a rough whisper when his lips nibbled the tender flesh of her neck, his tongue chasing the bite mark his teeth left. One arm clutched the back of his head, holding him to her. Craving more contact with his body, she ground herself against the thick ridge of his erection through his jeans. The contact made her body hum.

Xander groaned his approval.

The mingled scent of their moist flesh sent heat searing through her belly. She felt absolutely sick with desire as the deep female instinct to be filled saw her right leg tangle around his left calf. "Xan, yes..." she whimpered at the feel of his large hands kneading her backside over and over, his face now pressed into her damp hair.

Finally living the dream of having her, Xander plundered her sweet mouth again as the flashes of light died out, bathing the cramp elevator in darkness. Neither noticed as the wet, smacking sounds filled the area around

them.

When his hands squeezed her hips he felt her torso tremble violently. His erection strained painfully in its confines, the need overwhelming his thoughts with her as the sole center of his universe...

* * *

Later

* * *

They laid there on the living room floor as naked as the day they were born, just breathing, holding each other, and listening to the softening rainfall outside.

And then they heard someone banging loudly at their front door.

"Hey, are you two all right in there? I thought I heard someone screaming like they were dying."

Nosy old Mrs. Davis who lived next door and made it her business to know everyone else's. Buffy was mortified by what the neighbor might of heard while Xander laughed on her shoulder, feeling every bit as proud as a man could feel.

"It's okay, Mrs. Davis. My wife stubbed her toe in the dark." He bent down and pressed another kiss to his wife's lips. Her blush charmed him all over again.

"Okay, I was just checking. Goodnight."

They heard the door to her apartment shut. Sighing happily, Buffy hugged her husband to her chest. "I love you and I love our life together. That's what I am most proud of in my life. Please don't ever doubt that and I promise not to give you a reason to."

"I promise the same. And of course I love you more than words can say."

"You made me scream, baby." Oh yeah, stroking his ego was of the good. Especially after today. And he most certainly deserved it. His smile couldn't be any brighter. He earned that smile. Good God did her ever earn that smile. Her legs were still shaking because of that smile.

"Yes, I am the man."

"No. You're my husband first," she kissed him softly, " Last," she kissed a little longer, "And always."

* * *

The End of Chapter 3 


	4. Transgenderredirection

**Title: "6 Months"  
Chapter 4/7 **

**Written by: Shawn**

**Summary: Spike desperately seeks Buffy's help with a particularly sensitive problem. Xander has the absolute best week of his entire life. Faith makes a startling discovery about her new boyfriend that involves her friends.**

**Category: Romance/Humor **

**Rated: M  
Ship: Buffy/Xander**

**Timeline/Spoilers: Everything up to the BtVS series finale "Chosen" is canon except Xander losing his eye. Outside of that it's my AU. Every thing's explained in the story.**

**My personal archive: http://groups. Joss owns it all. I just let them out to play once in a while.  
**

**Authors Notes 1: Willow, Buffy, Xander, Faith, and Dawn live in Cleveland, watching over the as-of-yet unopened Hellmouth. They are currently retired and living normal lives for once. Of course every now and then a vamp sighting might spur a patrol, but for the most part they're fighting the same every day struggles and frustrations as you or I.**

**Authors Notes 2: This story is for fun and laughs. Taking it any deeper will detract from enjoying it. In other words, read it when you're in a good mood or if you need to be put in one.**

**Authors Notes 3: No angst in this chapter. Just sit back and laugh. Let the good times roll.**

**Authors Notes 3: I'm not a Spike fan. Never have been and never will be.**

* * *

**"If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny." -Jack Handy**

* * *

**Week 11**

**Buffy and Xander Harris's Apartment **

**321 Winchester Dr **

**Saturday, December 3, 2005 12:30 PM **

**Cleveland, Ohio**

Stretched out over their king-sized bed, Buffy humorously glared up at Xander. With her head resting sideways over his bare stomach, she declared, "That is one of the most crazy stories I have ever heard in my entire life. And considering my track record in the insanity-of-life department, that's saying a lot."

Xander stretched out his long legs in a pair of old black sweat pants. He's lounging the day away with Buffy while detailing the most nefarious revenge plot he had ever cooked up as a child. "Willow had to be taught a lesson."

"At nine years old?" Buffy regarded him sarcastically.

"You gotta start young these days. Revenge builds character."

It had always been said that laughter was good for the soul. Buffy enjoyed that here with him. Tales of his youth spun with that Ole Xander charm never failed to amuse her. "Wills didn't mean for your bike to be stolen. She was just proud her bestest friend in the whole wide world had one with all the cool trick stuff on it."

"Yeah, you can be happy your best pal got his best gift ever from his grandfather, but you cannot tell Casey 'FatHead' Wilcox about it." Xander could still see the boy with the rat-like facial features in his minds eye. "Casey 'FatHead' Wilcox was a known felon in training at age 9. I am not kidding you when I say he had stubble in grade school. He carried a gun to school with him every day. Okay, it was a water gun, but he was well on his way to moving up to a BB gun and then..."

"I get the picture." Lying atop their ultra soft comforter, Buffy dug her sock-less feet into its cottony luxury. There's nothing in the world like being able to enjoy a carefree day where you don't have to do anything at all. "So you were sure this Casey 'FatHead' Wilcox guy stole your bike?"

Xander gently tucked a loose blond strand behind her ear, caring for her even in the smallest of ways. "Casey had a crush on Willow and always struck up conversations with her when he wasn't scaring old people. After she went on and on about how great my new Mongoose 757 trick bike was I'm sure 'FatHead' targeted it for theft."

Having spent the laziest morning ever with Buffy, Xander had no intention of moving a single, solitary muscle all day long. He toyed with the fingers of his wife's hand, tracing over her wedding band. The meaning behind that little gold ring was the light of his life. He didn't have everything in the world, but then again, he did. "Willow all but rode the bike into 'Flathead's' back yard herself. She co-signed the robbery."

"How did you know it was 'FatHead' who took your bike?"

Xander's snort said it all. "He rode it past my house two days after it turned up missing from my backyard. He wanted to twist the knife in my gut. He wanted me to cry, but I held in those tears until he was way down the block."

"Then you cried?"

"I plead the fifth amendment."

"Why didn't you try to take it back or tell his parents?"

"FatHead wasn't just a nickname. He actually had a very fat head to go along with his overly developed elementary school muscles. He wasn't tough like 'Saved by the Bell' Zack Morris tough. No, he was tough like Jack Bauer from '24' or that bald guy from 'The Shield'. I heard a playground legend one time that 'FatHead' hit a boy so hard his mom had a bruise on her face when she picked him up from school. He sniffed glue, shot dice, and stole candy from babies."

"'You said 'FatHead' was only nine years old," she sought to remind him of the lunacy of his story. All the while picking lint off his sweat pants just for an excuse to touch him. They've been like this ever since Angel left town, as if suddenly their true honeymoon had begun. Maybe it was because the past had finally been laid to rest. "Casey was just a bad little boy who needed a spanking and for someone to stand up to him."

"Tell that one-eyed Timmy."

"Why would I tell him that?"

"Cause he used to have two eyes. 'FatHead' was the most deadly nine year old on Earth with a sling shot."

Buffy pinched his side just for saying something so silly. He "ouched" as if she were killing him. His ability to over exaggerate had no equal. "What about his parents?"

"The word around school was that he didn't have parents. Escaped convicts took up residence in a abandoned house and raised him after he was found in a basket on the front porch with a six-pack and some Jem and the Hologram's VHS tapes."

While lying over her honey, Buffy enjoyed a long, satisfying yawn and then slowly slinked up Xander body until she straddled his hips. Their lovemaking early this morning left them blissfully sated for the time being, so she playfully sat there with her arms crossed, shaking her head. "Your stories are psycho."

His hands came to rest over her soft, smooth thighs. "I'm just divulging to you my colorful childhood."

"But instead of going after BigHead..."

"Fathead," he corrected her, all the while loving the sight of her shapely legs. Her old, fading 'Sunnydale High' gym shirt and maroon Hanes lady boxers were her typical lazy day attire. He adored how sexy she made even the most casual of clothes look. "I wanted my justice."

"But you never got it against 'FatHead'. Instead, you kidnapped all ten of Willow's Barbie dolls?"

"Yes."

"Then called her house and when her mom picked up you told her it was you and that you wanted to talk to Willow?"

"Exactly."

"But when Willow picked up the phone you covered the receiver with a handkerchief to mask your voice like a TV show criminal? You told her your name was Alehondro Warez Moheken and you were holding her dolls hostage?"

"I watched plenty of A-team reruns around that time."

"And that's how you came up with your ransom of 10 million dollars?"

"A million for each doll."

"What in the world made you ask for it in nickels and dimes?" she laughed down at him while he toyed with a lone string dangling from the hem of her gym shirt.

"I figured that would be the toughest way for her to amass the ransom. I didn't want to make it easy on her."

"Who could pay a ransom of 10 million dollars in nickels and dimes? Who could even arrange that?"

Xander rose up and wrapped his long arms around Buffy, pulling her flush to his chest as they enjoyed the intimacy of being alone. She wasn't wearing any makeup today, and her hair was styled in a simple ponytail. Nevertheless, he was enchanted and so deeply in love with her. Her arms curled around his neck, effectively sealing them together. "It was not my job to wonder how Willow would get the money. I just wanted my revenge for her opening her mouth to 'FatHead' about my bike."

"But as soon as she started crying over the phone you immediately apologized and then ran over her house as fast as you could to give the Barbie's back." Buffy giggled in his face at the innocence of the man she loved when he was a little boy. Not wasting another minute, she leaned in and kissed him for a lingering moment, just to feel the heat of his lips warm her own. The softness of his freshly shaven face pressed to hers felt so good. "You could never be an effective criminal if hearing a girl cry could snap you out of your evil ways"  
Xander's hands settled beneath her shirt, just over her lower back, possessively stroking the satiny skin. She wore his ring, had taken his last name, and now gave him permission to hold her so dearly. To love her like no other had before him. This was truly the best time in his entire life. "I was meant to walk the straight and narrow path, hence my spotless criminal record."

"I like your spotless criminal record. It match's my own quite nicely." The scent of her body wash adorning his skin was pleasing to Buffy. With her arms locked around his neck, she could inhale the fragrance from his chest and reveled in how nice it felt to share everything, even the scent of her skin with him.

The barely audible television in the background provided background static to their quiet banter as they wrapped up the whole 'Willow Barbie-doll Kidnapping Plot' fiasco. Ever since they made love for the very first time three weeks ago they've ascended to a new plateau of intimacy. One neither of them had ever experienced before.

With her lips curled just this side of a grin, Buffy shoved Xander down on his back and then shifted around and laid over his chest, her back to it. She found something sweet in the freedom of being able to drape herself over him any way that she choose. She liked being able to rub her bare legs against his or rub the heel of her foot against his ankles. She loved how he encompassed her petite frame so protectively. There was something strangely pleasurable in being able to feel small and safe with someone you loved and trusted so dearly. The fact that he was always at least semi-hard when she was pressed against him did wonders for her sensual self-esteem.

After a careful pause to consider her state of mind, Buffy came to one inescapable conclusion. "I'm lazy."

"Me too, honey." Xander squeezed her tight in his arms as she nestled back into his embrace. He was in such a good mood that even the fresh 'Bounce' scent clinging to her gym shirt made him smile. They both endured long, stressful work weeks and then argued most of Friday over something so petty until they finally agreed to disagree and were okay again. Typical relationship stuff followed by the best part. The make-up stuff.

Xander drew circles over her flat belly with his fingers. He wondered if she had any clue how happy she made him and then quickly dismissed the notion while he kept watch over the gentle rise and fall of her chest. His other hand calmly slipped under her shirt to firmly cup her right breast once. His intention wasn't to start something, as Buffy softly hummed her approval. It was the joy he found in being able to touch her whenever he wanted, however he wanted, all the while knowing his attentions were coveted. "So what's on tap for the day?"

"I have a mental itinerary," Buffy casually announced while comparing the length of her short legs to his longer ones.

"Care to share?"

Her small hand came to rest over the larger one across her stomach, now tenderly stroking his fingers. She felt him rest his face on the side of her neck. He inhaled her perfume and then pressed a kiss there. One she leaned into for another, urging his affections. "Lets recap things thus far. We started the day off with some truly magnificent lovemaking."

"Hot loving in the wee hours of the morning. Check."

"Followed by a McDonalds catered breakfast."

"I live to run down the street for your McGriddle addiction."

Buffy allowed herself an uncharacteristic giggle because he truly did. He was a very good hubby in that regard. "We shared a shower and then dressed in our super lazy-day attire. Afterwards I came up with our schedule for the day."

"Do tell?"

"First off, I'm going to enjoy all this snuggly time with my husband." His lips brushed along her temple, leaving goosebumps in their wake. She sighed from the sweet tenderness as his arms closed tight around her again. "After that I plan on taking a lazy mid-day nap for at least an hour."

"We're already in bed. That's a convenient schedule."

Buffy rested her arms over the pair secured around her waist. "And then around 2:00 PM 'The Wedding Singer' is coming on. I plan to watch that in bed with you while eating snacks. And I am not changing clothes."

"Gotta get our Adam Sandler on. Check."

"Then we're gonna fuck after the movie."

Xander caught that naughty smirk she threw at him, and even had the nerve to ground her hips a little to emphasize her utter ownership of him. His body responded immediately. "You are the best schedule maker ever."

Buffy knew he'd approve of that one. She certainly did. "Then I'm going to take a long afternoon bubble bath while you play your XBox 360."

"I love to play with myself... by myself. I meant by myself."

"Suuure," Buffy drawled out just to mess with him. He gently bit her ear until she gave him the 'stop it' glare. "Then I'm going to finish reading my erotic and very trashy criminal courtroom novel."

"Reading is fundamental. Sometime before my 80th birthday I plan to take it up as a hobby."

"And then I'm going to be in the mood to have more sex with you. I'll wear the cheerleader outfit you like so much and I'll probably want to be on top."

Xander wondered if she could feel his accelerated heartbeat through her back. "You are so bossy."

Her voice turned kitten-innocent and oh so sweet. "I'll let you put it anywhere."

"You lie! That 'Cruel Intentions' line never works out well for a guy."

"True, but it still turns you on."

"I married pure evil."

"You love me anyway." Buffy turned her head into his deep kiss. A warm hand framed her cheek, anchoring her to him as their lips slowly swayed back and forth. "So what do you think of my schedule?"

The taste of her lips on his tongue left him lightheaded. "I'm completely in favor of it, except for one thing."

"And that is..." Before he could answer her the phone rang. Wearing a frown, Buffy shifted over onto her stomach and then laid her head back down on his chest and shut her eyes. His hands roamed her back with soothing gentle massage. "The answering machine can get it. We are not taking any calls unless it has to do with the end of the world or someone dying."

"You'll hear no arguments from me."

Five rings later the answering machine message sounded in their bedroom.

"Hello. Sorry, but no one's home. And if we are home we might be checking our Caller-ID and choosing not to pick up the phone. Either way leave a message. We love you all, whoever you are, unless you're a telemarketer or bill collector. Then we don't like you very much. Sincerely, Buffy and Xander Summers."

"Hey!" Xander squeaked in his wife's ear. "You did that on purpose. Everyone will question my manhood and call me Mr. Summers."

"Yes I did, now hush. Lets see who's interrupting our lazy day." He tried to pout but she smooched it away and then ruffled his hair until he rocked her to stop.

The answering machine clicked on. Dawn's voice came through loud and clear. "Where are you two? I've been trying to reach you guys on your cell phones all morning." Buffy and Xander mocked Dawn while pointing to their turned-off cell phones on the dresser. "I'm booorrred," she groaned into the phone. "We should hook up and do something. No, I'm not pathetic because I don't have a boyfriend. Stop laughing." Buffy and Xander were laughing, a little. "Anyway, hit me back and let me know what's up. Later."

"Sorry sis, we will not be calling," Buffy yawned yet again, and then shifted off so that she laid next to Xander with her arm draped across his broad chest. His arm wrapped around her lower back, his hand resting over her hip. Her nails trailed softly over his ribs, ghosting affection in their wake. "Dawn goes through men like a vampire at a blood drive."

"Look at you and your vampire humor."

"It's a gift." The phone had the nerve to ring again. Buffy and Xander did their best to ignore it until the answering machine picked up and went through the greeting again. This time Willow was calling.

"Hey guys, sorry I missed you. I was just calling to gossip. It seems your favorite redheaded witch did a little base running with Oz last night after his show. Nothing too major, and no we didn't cross home base. But it was very interesting playing with a 'bat' again. And by the word 'bat', I mean penis," Willow snickered and then added, "Hey, Buff. Look at Xander's cringing face. I said penis. Penis, penis, penis."

Her singsong voice did the trick. Certainly, Xander's face was cringing. Buffy smiled against his shoulder.

"Anyhoo, I'll tell all when we talk. Bye guys. I'll catch ya later."

Xander massaged his temple with one hand in an 'I have a headache' sort of cringing pose. "Why must she utter the word penis? She knows how it effects me to hear her use the clinical name for the male sexual organ."

"Don't you think it's a bit strange you feel that way?"

"No. Of course not. I have my quirky vices and that's one of them." The feel of Buffy's warm lips connecting with his chest was pleasurable to say the least. He kissed the top of her head while holding her closer.

The phone rang yet again.

"Why are we so popular today?" Buffy wondered and then shut her eyes again. "And where was this popularity in high school?" Xander snuggled against his wife's cheek with his leg curled under hers.

"Sup' bitches?" Faith offered as an opening greeting. "I know you're home. Pick up the phone. You ain't fooling nobody."

Xander and Buffy grinned mischievously. Yes, they knew they were fooling somebody. That somebody being all their friends. Especially since their cars weren't in parked in the front of their apartment building like usual.

"I know your cells phones are turned off," Faith stated while pacing her apartment. "I know you're listening to me talk right now. You bitches probably think you're slick by parking your cars at that Greek restaurant down the street so that if anyone stopped by your place they wouldn't see your cars. Well you didn't fool me. I know your tricks. You two lazy bums are trying to duck me. I know your game."

"We have game?" Xander whispered to Buffy. She nodded. "Cool."

"Look, when you're done acting like you're not at home how about you call your girl and lets hook up for drinks tonight. If you're lucky I might even introduce you to my new boy toy." She then remembered, "Buff, I'm in for your card game Monday night. It's about time we made some normal friends. I'll bring the alcohol. All you ever have to drink is that watered-down crap"  
"No I don't," Buffy whispered. Xander nodded that in fact she does drink the watered-down stuff. "It's... it's less filling," she offered meekly.

"So call me sometime later when you're not acting like lazy bastards. And for the last time you bitches aren't slick. I know you're there. So there." The line went dead.

Xander began to wonder if their answering machine had turned to the dark side of the Force. "Should I just pull the jack out of the wall?"

The feel of his right hand caressing her inner thigh felt so good Buffy hummed in the back of her throat. She cuddled into his side and kissed his shoulder. "We will leave it on in case of an emergen... OH MY GOD! TURN UP THE TV!"

Xander's eyes shot wide open when he saw the first commercial for Andrew's new line of romance novels come on the TV. He reached for the remote and pressed up on the volume.

"... from first time author Andrew Brick Meyers. An amazing journey of discovery that spans ten years. A love story for the ages..."

Buffy could swear she was hearing things. "Andrew changed his name? His middle name is Brick now?" She thought about it for a minute and then shrugged. "Says the girl named Buffy."

"... trio of epic romance stories detailing the long, arborous journey towards forever. These three novels will encompass the love of Alexander and his soul mate Elizabeth from the earliest days of their friendship to so much more. In two weeks 'Love, Love, Everlasting Love' will be released to bookstores across America. Three months later will see "I'm So In Love With Love That I Love You Too" arrive on bookshelves. The finale of the 'Love' trilogy is 'Lost Love, Love Found, Love for a Lifetime'. It will follow just two short months after the second entry."

Buffy and Xander watched the rest of the commercial, complete with its dreamy music and overly dramatic actors as if they were in a trance. However did Andrew convince a multi-million dollar book publisher that he could right convincing romance was beyond them. Nonetheless, they had already pre-ordered the books because he was a friend and they were curious as hell if he could pull this off.

Xander muted the volume. "That commercial proves that anything is possible." He scratched his head. "Maybe I should have gone to that American Idol audition after all."

"Me too. And I sing worse than you."

"I don't sing badly. I carry a jaunty tune quite nicely, If I do say so myself."

"Exactly. Only you say so." His hand shoved down inside her boxers and gave her backside a little smack. She stuck her tongue out at him "The truth hurts, but someone had to tell you. Your singing could wake the dead. And as you know, I am an expert on the dead."

"You're so lucky you look hot."

Buffy playfully scowled at him. "Don't make me rob you of your manhood by throwing you up in the air a few times like I did last week."

"That's it! I want a divorce."

"Nope."

"Fine!"

"Fine!" Buffy laughed when it dawned on him that exchange didn't go as well as he had planned. She kissed his cheek hard. He had the nerve to try and avoid her, but she yanked him closer, lying half over his body now. "I adore you, honey."

Despite the cold Cleveland winter descending upon the city in blustery snowdrifts, their bedroom was a warm and cozy haven away from it all. After sparing a glance at their icy bedroom window, Xander had no intention of going anywhere or doing anything that involved putting on clothes, leaving their apartment, or getting out of bed with his wife.

In fact, having her sexy Slayerness pressed warmly against him provoked a familiar hunger that swelled anew. He fell in love with the sensual sounds she made when he began nuzzling the side of her neck with kisses she allowed at first, and then shifted away from.

Buffy sat up and wagged her finger in a "no, no, no" pose. "Lovemaking is not on my schedule at this time." Xander's openly lusty gaze exposed a complete lack of caring for her schedule. As did that rapidly hardening bulge nudging her hip. Despite enjoying his undeniable desire for her, she quickly grabbed the television remote from next to him. "The schedule has us enjoying snuggly time only," she taunted him, half aroused herself despite what she said.

They'd been very 'active' since breaking down that final wall between them. Despite holding him at bay, Buffy's hazel eyes hid a certain wickedness. He looked ready to pounce on her. "You should do some math problems so all that blood traveling down south can go back up north."

"I love it when you sound like Map Quest." There was a compliment in there... somewhere... maybe.

When Buffy turned her back on him she slowly crawled on all fours toward the edge of the bed. The boxers she wore drew tight around her sweet little ass in a way he knew was an act of calculated seduction. She tossed the remote on the floor, but remained in that oh so naughty pose, and then graced him with a smirk over her shoulder.

"Hey!" Buffy yelped when Xander quickly grabbed her from behind and then spun her around on her back before passionately covering her mouth with his. The greedy heat of his kiss devoured her soft lips and then his tongue gently parted her mouth, diving inside to tangle with hers as he settled his solid weight over her. Something he knew she loved the feel of.

"This isn't," Buffy attempted to say, "part of," he sucked on her tongue in a way that made her thighs clench together, "my schedule," she was barely able to mumble when his hand began inching her shirt up her chest and then over her head, tossed on the floor.

"You are so beautiful," Xander whispered in a hush tone over her luscious mouth. When Buffy ran her tongue over her rosy lips the vision alone made his breath catch deep in his throat. Everywhere their skin touched felt hot, as if an electric current ran between them. He dove for her neck, the heat of his breath fanning flames over her skin that caused her to shiver beneath him. "You smell good enough to eat."

Her hand rose to caress over his cheek, her fingers toying past his chin. "I love you."

"I love you more."

With her pulse pounding rapidly, Buffy wondered how had he ever learned the ability to render her speechless. This was the side of him she never imagined existed, and yet her love for him was now so powerful, and so complete she had finally stopped questioning the surprises life threw at her. "You make me feel precious when you look at me like that."

"That's what I'm here for," he promised in her ear, nibbling the lobe before capturing her lips again. Her fingers combed through his short, dark hair, gently holding him over her.

Her whole body jolted when the hard length of his erection pressed solid against her center. Her thighs parted, admitting him more space as they began to grind slowly against each other. A fiery tension coiled in her belly, the ache to be filled growing ever desperate by the second.

"The schedule," she squeaked while his mouth sampled the tender flesh of her neck, marking her skin, branding her as his alone. Her breath came with a gasp each time his teeth gently bit into her. "This isn't part of the..." she nibbled her lip when he thrust once against her, sliding his hard body low for maximum contact. She was swollen and moist that very instant. "Xand... baby," she whimpered onto the side of his face, clutching the back of his head to her neck. Heat flashes swept over her when he ran his tongue over her pulse.

His strong hands kneaded her thighs while braced down so that she felt what exactly she did to him. The feel of her nails dragging over his back left his mind in a primal state. The brush of her stiffened nipples over his chest made it hard for him to breathe. "I want you now."

"Give me ten million dollars," she teased in a hushed tone of voice until his head dipped low over her chest. All conscious thought suddenly fled her mind. Her spine arched when his mouth closed around a peaked nipple, wetly lashing his tongue about the complete slope of her breast, and then suckled the tip until she writhed beneath him. "I want it in pennies."

"You are so going to get it," he laughed a half-second before drinking love from her lips once more, the ever constant ache in his sweat pants driving him mad. "I thought you loved me."

"I'm not sure if..." she squeezed his bare ass inside his sweat pants while listening to the soft, nursing sounds he made while inhaling her other nipple. The sensations his tongue drew from her body triggered her rising emotions. "You'll ever know how much I love you."

Ravenous for her, Xander took her left hand and shoved it inside his sweat pants, forcing her to reach around his throbbing cock. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and a loud groan tore free of his throat when she began slow stroking him from root to tip. "That's what you do to me... I want you all the time... every day of my life."

Hot, hard, and thick in the palm of her hand, he swelled within her grip. She felt powerful touching him like this. She took his hand down inside her boxers so that he could feel... slick and so soft... hot for him alone. "I can't wait to feel you inside me... Xander, please."

All Buffy had to do was lift her hips. Xander's hands violently wrenched her boxers down off her and then quickly tore at his sweat pants. Her legs parted for him, and then wrapped around him as the throbbing head of his cock pushed so slowly inside her until she had all of him... every inch buried deep, lost forever in her soulful embrace.

The methodical collision of Xander's hips into hers were meant to draw out the sweet pleasure of making love. Long, driving surges rocked into her as the bed began to shake. Their foreheads pressed together, both staring into the others hungry gaze until the need to kiss overwhelmed them. Their lips merged hard and passionate.

Sheathed inside the moist, snug heat of her; Xander's hands lightly skimmed over her slender hips and squeezed. Her ghost of a yelp in his mouth sent him balls deep, and then she bit his lip, locked her legs tighter around him, and said...

"You feel so good to me, Xan..."

"I love you so much," was his reply. Her thighs quivered with the rhythmic impact of his deep, grinding thrusts. Making love to her was a secret paradise only he had access to. The muscles in his back stained with exertion as he filled her time and time again, and with every deep thrust she "ahhhed" so beautifully.

While the heady scent of them thrilled her, it was the pressure of his heavy weight descending as he buried himself inside her... she whimpered against his lips, nipping at his tongue, her body stretched deliciously tight, so silky smooth around his hard cock. The brushing tingle of her pebbled nipples dragging over his broad chest made her thrash shamelessly. "I love you... God, I love you so much."

The erotically steady beat of his hips against hers underscored the slow love making were engaged in. Xander didn't expect this to be some all out sexfest, nor did he crave that. Here, he only wanted her... wanted to hear her whining moans and the feel of her strong legs locked tight around her, as gripping as the way her sex clung on his every withdrawal only to spread asunder when he dove back inside her.

"Don't stop, baby... feels so good." Buffy's nails dug into the firm cheeks of his backside, kneading the flesh while he moved so aggressively above her. The intensely pleasurable feelings he stirred saw her eyes close shut while panting hotly against his neck. The tips of her breasts felt swollen against his chest, her heart sounding a rapid drum against him. Her whole body rocked back and forth as the bed shifted. Her fingers couldn't decide on raking through his hair, chasing passion across his back, or gripping his ass every time he lunged so deep inside her she whimpered her gratification.

The heavy breathing in her ear when she began moving her hips in hard circles was evidence enough he loved what she was doing. As if the heat of his mouth all over her neck hadn't left her trembling, the sheer size of her husband's thick cock pounding harder caused her spine to arch high. She held onto his arms for a time, the muscles tensing beneath her fingertips.

"Yes," she cried out as the rhythmic slaps of being fucked so good filled the room, "Uhhnnn," she gasped again. She felt the cheeks of his ass straining in her hands with effort. She loved how big he felt over her, protective and erotic at the same time. "You're fucking me so good," she kissed him again, chasing his lips.

Male pride tore through Xander as their sweat mingled and their bodies collided with rising fury. The tempo increased, became charged with their energy as they worked together now, colliding passionately. "I can't... I can't believe you're mine sometimes."

"I love you," was gasped by his ear, her ankles now locked over his lower back as he began to pound her into the bed, taking his woman hard as he wanted to. "I'm yours," she told him, knowing how much he loved to hear that. "I'm all yours."

Xander groaned his love for her, grinding her clit against his pelvic bone while she twisted and writhed underneath him. Her slick, heated inner muscles squeezed around him while his chest heaved above her with quick breaths. The slippery, gliding feel of her began to clench tight. Her voice rose higher as her hips bucked, jerking wildly. He took her faster, harder the way he knew she needed to climax.

When it hit her... when her orgasm finally hit her with the detonation of an emotional bomb she wrapped arms and legs around his body so tight while shuddering all over and around him, her silent wail accompanying endless waves of satisfying pleasure coursing through her.

Her name and God were groaned in her ear as his orgasm rushed jets of warmth inside her, throbbing over and over again. So erotically perfect neither Buffy nor Xander heard the phone ring six times... nor the answering machine pick up... and certainly not Spike's pleading, teary voice.

"... I have to see you, luv. My plane arrives Monday night. I'm desperate. I'm coming straight to your apartment. DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS. PLEASE?!!"

Xander's gasping breathing was all he heard, his body slack and lifeless above his wife, his face pressed to the crook of her neck while she held him, her soothing hand roaming up and down his back.

"Honey?" Buffy asked when she finally opened her eyes again. "Did you hear the phone ring?"

"I heard my ears ringing. That's about it." She laughed against his cheek. It was nothing to turn his face a little and kiss her again, which he did softly. "I love you."

"I love you too."

He grinned above her. "So, you want ten million dollars in pennies?"

He had heard her. That's one of the many reasons she loves him. He always listens. "Yes, but I'll offer you a deal."

"Lay it on me."

"Kiss me again and I'm yours forever?"

He did and she was.

* * *

**Buffy and Xander Harris's Apartment **

**321 Winchester Dr **

**Monday, December 5, 2005 9:30 PM **

**Cleveland, Ohio**

This, in Buffy's most humble opinion, was progress.

Seated at her oval kitchen table with Faith, Willow, Dawn and her newest neighbor Janine, Buffy enjoyed her so-far successful first foray into normalcy of hosting a ladies night. Minus testosterone of any kind thanks to Xander attending a "Men's Night" gathering which pretty much consisted of backyard football in the snow followed by a XBOX 360 game playing tournament and all the pizza they could eat, the women were far more classy and mature.

An expensive bottle of wine, a deck of cards, couple of scented candles, and feminine ritual of gossiping, talking about men behind their backs, bitching out overpaid celebrities, debating over who's hot right now, and discussing fashion spoke of just how far ahead on the evolutionary scale women were in comparison to their male counterparts.

Buffy won the second hand of poker they played after Janine won the first. The married 25 year old photo journalist and her husband had moved into the building only two weeks ago and already the female Scoobs had been keeping track of her as a potential new and first "normal friend." Someone not connected to anything mystical, magical, or weird in any way. Faith didn't care near as much to have a "normal friend" as they did, but since she was getting laid regularly again she didn't mind much of anything.

As for Buffy, Dawn, and Willow they were all very proud of their world-saving accomplishments in Sunnydale. They worked together to protect mankind and despite all the mistakes they made and all that had happened it was now in the past. Their present consisted of work, traffic, college, relationships, bills, managing money, and other real life situations.

Normal things.

And in Buffy's mind normal things meant that at some point they'd have to meet, talk to, and befriend normal people. Perhaps that would give them in essence a feeling of normalcy themselves. So far so good as the first bottle of wine was long gone and they were on their third. The whimsical topic of the moment was ladies what they would have done if they were Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie stole their husband.

They'd get around to a political discussion later... probably... maybe... depends on how much wine was left.

"Jen didn't stand a chance in hell," Faith offered through a cloud of cigarette smoke while looking over a less than impressive hand she had just been dealt. "Not many bitches can stand toe to toe with Angelina Jolie and win. Hell, even I'd have to work hard on that one. If you watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith and think they weren't banging behind the scenes then you need your head examined."

"Brad's a jerk for cheating," Dawn gave her opinion and then edited it by adding, "Of course I wouldn't of have been able to say no to him either. The minute he smiled at me I would have yelled 'SEX NOW PLEASE!"

Despite the kookier Dawn seemed to get as she got older, Buffy secretly loved having her sister around. She'd never tell her that, but it was the truth. "We may never know if they actually cheated or not, but one thing is for sure. If your husband is forty years old and isn't a father and you know he wants kids then you'd better ante up or walk away. Angie was ready to give him what Jennifer wouldn't. Right or wrong that's life. Plus, I hated 'Friends' so I may be anti-Jen."

"I couldn't agree more, Buffy. I hate cheaters as much as the next girl, but women have to know the men they are married too. Brad wasn't going to wait on that family forever. Especially since he's forty now. And lets be real. The line of women who would have Brad's baby stretches for miles," Janine laughed with her newest gal pals.

Seeing as she was tonights designated driver, Willow munched another gooey, cheese drenched nacho. "I never really jumped on the Brad Pitt bandwagon, but I've been on the Angelina Jolie caravan since Day 1. I do not condone cheating in any way but if you're going to cheat and be bad and do the big wrong thing then at least let it be with one of the most beautiful women in the world. I'm also biased because 'Friends' never had any lesbian or bisexual friends. My TV bias is rearing its ugly, politically incorrect head."

"Angie took Jennifer's man to Africa, gave him her kids, and probably the best pussy of his life. It ain't right but it happened. Time for her to get the fuck on with her life already," Faith stated as blunt as ever. "B, if you were in Jen's place and Angelina stole Xander what would you do?"

"Kill him. No one forces a guy to cheat. If he does then its his fault. I don't subscribe to the Jerry Springer Show belief that you blame the other girl. Its always the guys fault. She can flirt in his face all she wants but the guy actually has to cheat for an affair to happen. I blame and then bludgeon or mutilate the guy first. Now that's not to say I would be opposed to some hair pulling or bitch slapping. I am a pro bitch-slapper."

Janine already loved Buffy's quirky personality. "Slap her but kill him. That's what I would do as well."

"Don't kill the cheater," Faith made it clear while looking around the table. "Just get yourself a long sharp, Gensu knife and cut off his"  
"And then when you see it lying on the floor and he's screaming," Dawn continued, "Kick it out of the front door and..."

"Run it over with your car," Willow concluded to a chorus of laughter. "Removing the penis of a cheater via a sharp blade is like removing badness from the world. Sometimes its a necessary action. Topic Ended."

"Woman Law?" Buffy looked around the table similar to the male beer commercial. They all nodded.

"WOMAN LAW!" They said unified.

Buffy tossed in her final thoughts as they finished their latest hand of poke, this time seeing Willow as the victor. Her good mood was contagious as they seemed to settle in comfortably with their newest friend who thankfully didn't see them as crazy or strange in any way.

Crazy and strange was back in the remains of Sunnydale, California. Back when Buffy's evenings included hunting through dark cemeteries, staking vampires, beheading demons, praying Tide really could get any stain out of her clothes even if it was the blood of a creature they certainly didn't know existed, and the icky job of washing vamp dust out of her hair. Those wild days of yesteryear provided more than a few thrills and five times as many tragedies. The here and now was where she lived and building new relationships with new people based on being normal was what she hoped for.

Faith was normal. Okay, so she was a former Slayer who still occasionally beat up guys in bars, but she was pretty normal these days. Buffy thought it was kind of cool to have an ex-con as a good friend. Her lack of killing anyone in a really long time did wonders in helping them establish a strong bond based on their former shared destiny and a private love of all things chocolate.

Dawn was her sister and she loved her dearly even when the younger Summers drove her crazy. And by crazy Buffy meant 'popping ten Zoloft's a day' sort of crazy as Dawn was known to stalk guys behind trees and date men who had no last names. The former dimensional gate 'Key' turned beautiful college student was pretty normal for her age. Her choices in men needed improvement, but Buffy wasn't one to ever criticize her on that considering her outrageous track record of stupidity. All in all Dawn Summers was normal.

Willow Rosenberg, powerful bisexual Coven witch that she was could be very normal when she wanted too. While it was true that the broom, dust pan, vacuum cleaner, and garbage can in her apartment were cursed to do their jobs whether she was around or not wasn't technically normal, but it was normal for a woman to use any means necessary to make housework as easy as possible. So in that way alone Willow was normal. In addition she hadn't tried to destroy the world since that one bad time. That was progress indeed. And she was a natural red head. Unlike Buffy, who had long ago made peace with needing a wee bit of help from 'Ms Clairol' in maintaining her blondness, Will's was auburn natural

That was good and normal indeed.

Janine however... Janine was very, very normal. Her handsome husband was transferred to Cleveland by his job less than a month ago from Kentucky. They've been married for 3 years and seem very happy with each other. Buffy liked Janine's casual personality as well as her wild college stories. The Slayer had more than a few of those herself, but they would include things of a demon butchering non-normal nature, so she often declined. But all in all the brunette with the short tresses and brown eyes was very normal and sweet.

She was just the kind of person Buffy wanted as a new friend. Mrs. Janine Washington had no destiny, secret past, or prophecy attached to her life. She liked football, good beer, and kids. She hadn't cut anything tougher than a steak with a knife in her entire life and vampires where only present in her DVD collection. She grew up loving 'The Lost Boys' with Kiefer Sutherland and Corey Feldman.

Buffy couldn't hold that against her. It was all very normal indeed.

"It amazes me that all of you are from Sunnydale," Janine declared while dealing a new hand. "It's so interesting that the whole group of you moved to the same city in the same state at the same time." The slightly 'deer-in-headlights- expressions on their faces amused her. "When the news reports came on about a whole city sinking into the ground Paul and I were terrified it was a terrorist attack or something."

Dawn looked to Willow. Willow looked to Faith. Faith shrugged and then deferred to Buffy. Buffy cleared her throat and then said, "We were just happy to get out of there alive. It was a very unnormal day, unlike the very normal days we live these days." She looked to her friends. "Right?"

"Oh yeah, definitely normal," Dawn backed her sister up. "We reek of normal. If it's not normal then we want no part of it." She smiled really wide.

"We like to keep things normal these days," Willow chimed in before politely nudging Faith.

"Them bitches is nuts," Faith just blurted out to Janine. "Blondie used to kill vampires and even banged a couple of them. She stabbed me once too. Jail bait over there didn't even exist six years ago and when she did a nut case man/woman named Glory tried to use her to open a dimensional gate to a Hell world that would have sucked ours up like a two dollar ho. Red is a kinda/sorta lesbo super-witch who used to bang a werewolf and probably will again soon before to long. As for Mr. Blondie, he's dated more than five women who have all tried to kill him at some point. Yeah, we're real normal."

Again with the severe 'deer-in-headlights' expressions, Janine saw on Buffy, Dawn, and Willow's faces pale in a still picture sort of way. She suddenly burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of what Faith claimed. "And can I assume you kicked Frankenstein's ass too?"

Faith loved the floored expressions her friends wore. Pushing their buttons made her day. "Frankenstein is about the only evil we haven't encountered. Though I could tell you a few things about the First Evil. See, this guy or girl or whatever it was could..."

"FAITH!" Buffy yelled to grab her attention. Her 'exnay' smile was firmly in place. "Our nice, new, and normal friend doesn't need to hear anymore of your fairy tales, comprenday?"

The interplay between them underscored how close they all were in Janine's eyes. "It's okay, Buffy. I know a thing or two about fairy tales. Just yesterday my hubby actually had the nerve to say he thought he saw you carrying a refrigerator up a flight of stairs all by yourself and that you weren't even breaking a sweat or anything. How crazy is that?" she laughed.

"That's sooooooooooo crazy," Buffy nodded and then offered the 'come on' look to the others who also nodded. Faith just rolled her eyes and opened another bottle of wine. She finally nodded when Buffy wouldn't stop staring at her.

Thankful that little bit of unease was over with, Buffy turned her attention to the offending ringing sound of the cordless phone lying on the table next to her. She checked the Caller-ID and then pressed the pick up button. "I told you not to call me this late, Juan. My husband's usually home around this time."

"That would be oh so funny Mrs. Harris if your darling husband wasn't freezing his well-toned backside off," Xander complained through chattering teeth as the wind howled behind him. "John's wife came home early and called an end to 'Men's Night'. I need to come home."

"I love you but you can't come home. 'Women's Night' isn't over yet."

"Uhm, honey. We live in Cleveland now and its early December. All that white stuff falling and swirling around outside is called snow."

"Its not that cold." Buffy took her newest hand and was quite delighted that it looked like a pretty good one. "And I saw you leave wearing your coat and gloves."

"It's 17 freaking degrees!"

"Can you see your breath?"

"Yes!"

"Well its chilly but not all that cold. Can't you stop by Oz's for an hour or so? Just until 'Women's Night' concludes? Its my first one and its going very well so far."

Suddenly, Xander felt kinda homeless. All he needed was a old stick with a bag of clothes at the end and a slow moving train to hop onto parts unknown. "Honey, I just want to crawl into our nice, warm bed and relax while watching the brilliant drama that is The Wonder Years. I'll go straight to our bedroom, okay?"

"Men are not allowed on 'Women's Night'. Just tough it out another hour or so. Your car has a good heater."

"You have no idea how much love I feel flowing from you over this phone. Never mind your lack of caring about the carbon monoxide poisoning I might die of."

"Must you always be a drama queen?" Buffy teased into the receiver. "I love you and I need another hour. Bye, bye." Pressing end, she laid the phone back on the table. "Men," she uttered with a cute head shake.

"That was evil, B." Faith clinked wine glasses with her. "I liked it. I support your brand of evil."

"Cool." Buffy frowned when the phone rang again. The Caller-ID was unmistakable. "I only asked for an hour, Xan."

"Oz isn't home and the temperature is falling. I'm freezing all those sexy parts of me you like so well."

"It's not that late. Can't you hang out at a McDonalds or something for another..." Buffy checked her watch, "Fifty-five minutes?"

"Do you not care that your husband is standing out in a blizzard?!!!"

"Of course I care. I just think you can take it a little while longer. Prove what a big, strong man you are. See ya in under an hour." Buffy ended the call and then looked around the table. "He'll live."

"But... but its cold out there. And ever since Xander started working out there's less of him to keep him warm," Dawn worried out loud.

Buffy considered it for a moment. "Having a penis allows him to stay warmer."

"WOMEN LAW!" Willow called out and then finished off another nacho. Everyone around her nodded in agreement and then followed it with a unified "WOMAN LAW!" chant.

Minutes later after Dawn won her first hand the phone rang again. Buffy didn't need to read the Caller-ID this time. She gave an exasperated, "Hello?"

"I want a divorce!"

"Never!" Buffy answered with a smile and then took pity on her other half. "Come on home honey. I'm sorry for letting you freeze your tush off."

"You're so gonna wear the cheerleader outfit tonight."

"Okay," she giggled into the line. "Love you, Xan. Drive safe, alright?"

"See you soon oh evil woman who owns my heart."

Laughing to herself, Buffy heard the click and then laid the phone back down. It was a strange thing for her to accept that she's so happy in her personal life when that was never the case in the past. She truly liked the feeling.

"Buffy," Janine drew her attention, causing the Slayer to look her way. "I just want to thank you again for having me over. Paul and I are new to town and meeting friends these days isn't easy with everyone having a busy schedule and all. You've made me really feel comfortable and welcome with you guys."

"No thanks are necessary," Buffy assured her. "We like you and your normal lifestyle." Realizing that sounded a bit odd, she quickly amended, "You and your husband are fun to be around, so its cool. Next weeks 'Women's Night will be at Willow's house."

"I'll be sure to give you my address before we leave," Willow offered happily. "I'll be making margarita's. I also like to be called 'the Margarita Queen.'"

"Will's margarita's are to die for," Dawn complimented her friend. "She even made Faith pass out once."

"I did not pass out!" Faith settled back in her chair. "My... my eyes were sleepy. I was resting them."

"Riiiiiight," Buffy laughed at her expense. At that very moment someone began banging loudly on the front door.

"BUFFY, OPEN UP PLEASE!!" was heard somewhat muted in the kitchen where they were playing cards. The voice carried with it a British accent, but was clearly a woman's voice.

Dawn, who was seated closest to the living room stood from her chair. "I'll go see who it is before my sister beats the person up. She's into violence that way."

"Banging on my front door like that isn't likely to change my violent ways. Be sure to impart that to whoever is interrupting 'Women's Night'" Buffy followed Dawn with her eyes until she reached the door and peeked through the peephole. "Who is it? Do you recognize her?"

Dawn stared... and stared some more... and then wondered if she'd drank to much wine tonight. Yeah, that had to be it. Because if that wasn't it then what she was seeing was trouble with a capital T.

Swallowing hard in the back of her throat, Dawn slowly opened the door. A very pale woman dressed in all black with short-cropped platinum hair and cheekbones that were eerily familiar and yet different rushed past Dawn towards the kitchen seeking her sister.

"BUFFY THOSE BITCHES TURNED ME INTO A WOMAN! I NEED YOUR HELP!" Spike cried out frantically before spotting the open bottle of wine on the table. "I... Hey, you mind if I cop a swig of the spirits? I'm in a bad way tonight, luv."

All eyes were focused solely on the woman in the black trench coat. Her decidedly British accent sounded all too much like a certain vampire the Scoobs knew very well.

"Who the fuck are you?" Faith demanded first as she stood to her feet and began walking around the stranger. "Fucking no?!" she sounded off when it dawned on her who she was looking at. "Spike?!"

"Yes and its nice to see you again too, Faith." Leaning over the table, palms flat on the surface, Spike continued, "Slayer, I got myself in a wee bit of trouble and I need your assistance. Red's too."

Shocked by the unbelievably rude entrance of this stranger, Janine waited for a cue as to how to act. Obviously they knew this woman. But they didn't seem all to happy to see her. She figured she might as well keep her mouth shut for now.

"You have breasts," Willow point outed verbally and with her outstretched hand towards Spike's chest. "You didn't have breasts the last time I saw you. And they look pretty nice. Firm and supple. Kind of ewww, but supple."

Spike sighed. "Thank you for your appraisal of my boobs. Now kindly sod off until I have need of you." He spun around to face a Buffy who looked startled to say the least. "I've gotten myself into one hell of a bloody mess, luv. I was shagging around with a gypsy back in London and didn't realize this other little kitten I was diddling was her older sister. Suffice to say when they found out they were none to pleased." He began nervously pacing the table, hands running through his hair. "THEY FUCKING CURSED ME INTO A WOMAN!"

Faith was already opening another bottle of wine. "This is gonna be good."

Spike took Dawn's vacated chair. Her 'Hey' was ignored. "They told me that if I don't find the cure in seven days I'll remain a woman forever. So I need you and the gangs help to undo this before I'm stuck this way forever!"

As if a dam of amusement burst, Dawn's laughter rang out so loud and piercing that when Willow, Buffy, and Faith joined her Janine found it a bit disturbing. Not quite normal at all.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY! MY PECKER IS GONE! I'VE BEEN THIS WAY SINCE SATURDAY AND I ONLY HAVE FIVE DAYS LEFT TO BECOME A MAN AGAIN!" Spike found their reactions unhelpful in every possible way. "Can a can get some sympathy here?"

At this point Janine was sure this person was on drugs. She just hoped her new friends weren't on drugs too. "Is this some kind of joke?" she asked a bit hesitantly. "A man can't be turned into a woman. That's insane."

Spike crossed his arms. "I'm no man, luv. I'm a vampire."

"If you're a vampire then I'm the queen of England." Janine rolled her eyes.

Spike gave the once over to the pretty brunette seated next to Willow. "You a S.I.T?"

"A sit?" Janine looked around the table. "What's a sit?"

"What, are you a witch or something?"

"No."

"Willow's new girl-toy?"

"I'm married to a man." Quickly, Janine added, "Not that if I swung that way I wouldn't be head over heels for you, Willow."

The witch smiled. "Thanks."

"Uhm," Buffy sprang to her feet and grabbed Spike by the sleeve of his trench coat. "Why don't we talk about this someplace private so that my new friend doesn't think we're all nuts. And then you can explain to me why the hell you didn't call before just coming over here first."

The Slayer's attempt to play it off as a momentary bout of weirdness didn't sit well with Spike. He'd hoped for... well, maybe not some sort of sappy reunion, but at least something other than her anger. "So you blokes are just sitting around here drinking your," he knocked back a long pull from the bottle on the table, "Surprisingly good wine while playing cards in an attempt to act like you're all Brady Bunch-esq?" His smirk turned downright carnal when he saw the fear of being exposed as anything less than normal flashed on their faces. All accept Faith of course.

Turning to the woman he did not recognize, Spike addressed her. "How about I show you a nice, normal trick." Grabbing the open wine bottle he doused Willow with it three items, the liquid splashing from the bottle's nozzle toward her. The strange thing was that the liquid seemed to hit an invisible barrier that caused a waterfall-like ripple effect that kept any wetness from actually touching the witch at all.

Janine stared in mute shock.

"Our dear witch-goddess casted a no-spill spell on herself years ago because of her love of Starbucks coffee and fear of getting it in her clothes. She's a very powerful spell caster who was once a bit uncoordinated, you see." Peering into the living room, Spike ran from the table for the weight set in the corner. He found the bar stacked with 230 pounds. Grabbing it with one hand he quickly tossed it all the way across the apartment toward Buffy, who caught it easily with one hand.

Janine stared in mute shock. Buffy had to weigh 110 pounds at best and her arm should have broken the moment she plucked it from mid-air. Instead, she held it like it weighed as much as a fork. She wasn't struggling in the least.

"Then there's this." Spike ran over to Janine and vamped out. "I WANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!"

"OH MY GOD!" Janine raced from the kitchen like she was on fire and straight out of Buffy's apartment as fast as her feet would carry her, screaming the whole time.

Spike smiled triumphantly at ending this farce and then found himself lifted off his feet as a very angry Slayer held by the collar of his dark shirt. "Now luv, I knew you wouldn't be able to keep your hands off of me for long but at least you could help me get my manhood back first."

"You stupid, inconsiderate, Billy Idol-wannabe jerk!" Buffy yelled at him. "Janine was nice and normal, Spike! Normal! She had a husband and liked football and wasn't that great a driver like me. Now you've scared her off and she'll never come near us again. I'm going to become the top gossip of the laundry room. I DON'T WANT TO BE GOSSIPED ABOUT IN A LAUNDRYROOM!"

Spike shrugged. "She looked kinda sneaky. I might have done you a favor. I bet she steals silverware."

"You stole my underwear once!"

"Buffy, It was a show of affection."

Her hazel eyes flared with a barely restrained rage as she tried her best not to tear his head off. "You have, as usual, screwed up everything! This was my first ladies night and I was," the Slayer checked her watch again, "Forty-one minutes away from its perfect conclusion. But oh no, you had to walk your gender-bending newly cursed ass in here and mess everything up. You scared that poor girl half to death and now she'll never talk to us again. I WAS LESS THAN AN HOUR AWAY FROM HAVING A NICE NORMAL FRIEND!"

"Normal and you will never mix, luv. You're better off with us demons, witches, and Slayers."

"Why should I help you?" Buffy challenged him. "You walked into my house ranting and raving without ever acting like you have an ounce of common sense. I should leave you like this to teach you a lesson."

"WATER WEIGHT GAIN!" Dawn shouted at Spike. "May you know the pain of cramps, achiness, and mood swings!"

Buffy turned back to him... er, her. "You had to cheat on the girl you were with and they got their revenge. Well good for them. You deserved this you cheater. YOU'RE NO BRAD PITT SO YOU GET NO PASS!"

Spike wondered if she'd finally snapped. "I fail to see what Brad Pitt has to do with me BEING TURNED INTO A FLIPPING WOMAN!" Buffy dropped him back on his feet. "Look, maybe I came on a bit strong with your new Scooby recruit, but I do need your help. The girls wouldn't give me any clue on how to break this spell except to say 'You will have to walk a mile in our shoes.' I know the curse they used on me is stained in voodoo."

"Transgenderredirection..." Willow pondered to herself. "I'd have to do some research." Buffy's glare clearly stated she wanted no part in helping Spike. "The sooner he's a man again the sooner he'd probably leave."

Buffy had to admit that was about the only thing that sounded good right about now.

* * *

**A couple of minutes ago**

While waiting for the elevator in the blissfully warm lobby of his apartment building, Xander exhaled and for the first time in the last hour didn't see his breath. In addition, the feeling in his fingers had thankfully returned. He pulled off his skull cap and swiped off some snow, hopefully warding off a head cold. All were good signs that his evening was on a definite upswing. And just as soon as Buffy's 'Ladies Night' was done she'd be crawling all over their bed looking oh so sexy in her cheerleader outfit until he tore it off her and...

The elevators ding was followed by its doors opening. Wearing one heck of a grin he walked inside and pressed the button for his floor. Though an older model that took its time to reach its destination, the elevator at least saved him the trouble of transversing seven flights of stairs. Since he was going to be playing the star high school quarterback in his little fantasy game with his amazingly understanding and flexible wife if he had to go up those stairs he'd probably run.

Such was the good life of being happily married to a Slayer who was as hot as she was a wonderful wife.

"Gonna be rich soon - filthy, filthy rich soon - Gonna quit my job and be rich, rich, rich sooooon!" he happily sang off key to himself, ever grateful he was all by himself and not considered losing his mind in the presence of others. With only a few short months to go before inheriting the five million dollars left to him by his grandfather, trying not to think about it was impossible.

The Mercedes Benz truck he wanted would compliment the Porsche Buffy wanted in the driveway of the new home they'd already picked out one Sunday morning. In addition, his sweet wife had graciously agreed to let him name the two Great Dane puppies they are going to buy Walker and Texas Ranger. He only asked for that and a Slurpee machine in the kitchen while all other decisions made concerning the home would be left in her hands.

Okay, so he intended to buy that 80'inch wall-mounted flat screen HD TV as well. But that was for status and pride amongst his male friends moreso than for decorative purposes. TV and penis size were important components in establishing a mans manhood. The bigger the better. According to Buffy he'd already come out on top of one of those things and all he needed to complete the duo was the TV.

Yes, Xander smiled the grinning smile of a man who would soon quit his job to start his own business while giving Dawn, Willow, Faith, and Oz $300,000 each to pursue whatever dreams they wanted too. As nice as it was to see his own money-worries free future ahead he loved being able to surprise his closest friends... his family with such an amazing gift. And the all-expense paid trip to visit Giles in England this coming Spring would be the proverbial cheery on top.

"Quiting my job - I'm gonna quit my job - Gonna quit my job and sleep late for at least a month straight," Xander sang quietly and even did a little dance to as the elevator doors opened. He stepped out into the hallway and almost ran smack into a frantic-looking Janine Washington. The wild expression her eyes betrayed were like she'd just seen a ghost, and since he's actually seen ghosts that worried him. "Hi Janine. Is 'Ladies Night' over with already?"

"YOU PEOPLE ARE FREAKS! DON'T COME NEAR ME OR MY HUSBAND!"

Without uttering another word, Janine ran off down the hall and around the corner so fast she resembled a cartoon character. Squinting his eyes, Xander stared after her as he began to frown. Obviously 'Ladies Night' hadn't gone as Buffy had planned. And he knew how badly his honey had wanted a nice, normal evening with a nice normal new friend.

Alas, it seemed she was still washing that ole Sunnydale weirdness out of her hair.

"Boy oh boy oh boy." When Xander saw the door to his apartment cracked open and heard Buffy screaming at someone he broke out into a sprint towards his apartment.

"I HOPE YOU NEVER SEE YOUR PENIS AGAIN!"

Fearful of the unknown, Xander rushed through the front door not sure what he was going to find. Buffy turned around immediately, her lovely face an angry shade of red as she stood next to Dawn. Willow was in mid-nacho munch when she looked up, saw him, and waved. Faith smirked and then walked over with an open bottle of wine.

"Here," Faith handed Xander the bottle. "You're going to need this in about ten seconds."

While holding the bottle, Xander's gaze over the living room found a short women dressed in all black with the spiky platinum hair. The uncanny resemblance to someone he knew all to well was to much of a coincidence as he drank back a long pull from the bottle and then said, "I didn't know Spike had a sister."

"I don't you ninny! I was turned into a woman!" Spike loudly blurted out at the sight of yet another unwanted guest. "And what are you doing here?" Suddenly, everyone got a very, very funny look on their faces. Faith snickered while Willow just kept right on munching nachos.

"Uhm, Spike," Dawn drew his attention. "By any chance have you run into Angel in the last month or so?"

"I try to avoid 'He Whose Hair Does Not Move' as much as possible." When the now grown Little Bit started laughing he had a feeling his current situation was about to take a turn for the worse. "What?"

"You're really Spike?" Xander just had to ask even as the facial appearance, accent, and mannerisms were to familiar to be a mistake. His head suddenly hurt, but not in a painful way. In the sort of way a brain freeze happens when you eat something cold to fast. Howling laughter suddenly erupted out of his mouth in a tidal wave of amusement that even seemed to turn his wife's frown into a smirk.

Xander slowly approached the now female vampire while rubbing his chin. ""Well this is a new look. Did you go on Extreme Makeover: Vampire Edition?"

"Go ahead and get your jollies, then leave. I don't have time to deal with your uselessness."

Peering over Spike from head to toe, Xander addressed Buffy. "How did this happen? And I'm asking you because I don't believe a word he/she says."

"I AM NOT A HE/SHE!" Spike shouted, arms crossed, nearly pouting because of his current predicament. "I was cursed, alright. I stepped out on my squeeze with her sister, they found out and turned out to be gypsy voodoo practitioners who turned me into a woman and gave me seven days from this past Saturday to find a cure or remain this way forever."

Xander's eyes widened. "So you don't have a dick?"

"Brilliant deduction, Sherlock. You got any others?"

"But your breasts are well so formed."

"I told you," Willow pointed at Spike with another cheesy nacho in hand, then popped it in her mouth. "Wow, Buffy. This cheese dip you made is great."

"Really?" Compliments on her cooking always made the Slayer's day. "I used this recipe I found on the Kraft web sight and added a some jalopena..."

Spike's head was throbbing painfully all of a sudden. "Slayer, please. Details about what's in your cheese dip won't help me reclaim my manhood."

"MY DIP MATTERS!" Buffy fumed.

"CAN'TOU AT LEAST SEND THE WHELP HOME?!!"

"HE IS HOME!"

Sometimes in life it seemed as though justice was handed to you on a silver platter, as if God himself said 'Go for it, my boy. You've earned it.' Xander experienced just such a feeling as he began slowly circling Spike. Retribution was at hand. "Check out that wall over there with those pictures, Spike."

Following close behind the vampire when she approached the wall, Xander followed her line of vision over the many pictures of him and Buffy smiling or holding each other. Several of them alone in fact, all culminating in the highest one on the wall. The one Dawn took two weeks ago with them smiling while holding up their hands, showing off their wedding bands.

As if the world itself stopped spinning, Spike realized he had entered the Twilight Zone. It was a good thing he was a fan of the show. "Buffy, luv, why are there fake pictures on your wall?"

Taking off her shoe in a fit of frustration, Buffy threw it at the back of Spike head, connecting fully. Watching him hunch over would be funny is she weren't so mad. "Can you really be that dense? I married Xander. I'm married to him. We're living together and married." Holding up her hand, she exposed her wedding band and then grabbed Xander's hand and lifted it as well. "YOU'RE NOT BLIND!"

Spike took a good, hard look at the pictures, then Buffy and Xander. The pictures again. Then Buffy and Xander one more time. "You really married the whelp? Who put crack in your cereal?"

Coming around to Xander's side, Buffy casually lopped her arm around his waist while leaning into his side. "I married the man I love. Him," she pointed to Xander, who nodded. "But this isn't about that. This is about your inconsiderate cheating lifestyle and how its finally caught up with you. It's about how you ruined my first 'Ladies Night' and how Janine probably will want to move out of the building do to how stupid you acted. This is about how I'm so angry," she took off her other shoe and threw it so hard it hit he/she Spike in the face, who promptly fell to the ground "I'M STANDING HERE SHOELESS AND THE WHOLE BUILDING'S GOING TO THINK I'M ON STEROIDS!"

Jarred already by two of Buffy's Nike cross trainer sneakers, as he rose to his feet the knowledge that she's married to Xander... that she's shagging Xander... that she's living with him and wearing his wedding ring...

The onrush of wooziness sent Spike spiraling back to the floor again as he fainted.

* * *

**Ten Minutes Later**

The achy throb pounding in the back of Spike's head wasn't aided at all by the hard floor he found himself waking up on. And as bad as his current predicament was, minus Mr.Happy and all, the annoying voice of someone he disregarded with a passion could be heard nearby. His mind began to clear as the whelp kept talking, accompanied by some... gospel humming?

Spike's eyes slowly blinked open at the sight of Xander and Dawn standing over him.

"Oh heavenly father," Xander began as if he were a reverend, head bowed, hands clasped as Dawn hummed beside him, "Let us Scooby Gang members give thanks for blessing us with amazingly good looks and the ability to save the world as often as we have while maintaining those good looks. And though in your infinite wisdom you felt that late May each year was the perfect time for an apocalypse you allowed us to survive each and every one. We give thanks for that."

Still feeling woozy, Spike barely managed to turn over.

"Father, thank you for the super hot wife you blessed me with. She kicks ass at moving furniture and is slowly learning that the turn signal on your car is a useful and safe way to protect yourself and others on the road." When a shoe softly connected with the back of his head he added, "Thank you for blessing the woman I love with small feet." Buffy giggled behind him.

Spike shook his head free of the mental cobwebs, trying to regain his bearings as Xander continued.

"Father, I thank you for my wife's equally hot, ass-kicking sister." Dawn gave an 'Amen' behind Xander in a cute voice, and then continued humming. "I thank you for my best friend Willow who makes the greatest margarita's ever and shares in my belief that Family Guy is the funniest show of all time. I've owed her money for many years dating back to high school and she's never asked for it back even when I got a job. Thank you for her mercy as often times I did not have the money to repay her. Soon I hope that changes." He winked at his wife and caught sight of Willow waving at him.

"Father, thank you for our beloved Faith. You've given her a boyfriend at last and she seems to be on a crime-free path. Though she regularly steals my snacks, changes the radio station when she gets into my car, and secretly watches Dawson's Creek reruns on Nick at Night I forgive her for her transgressions."

"Don't make me throw my shoe, Xander. I'm wearing boots and it'll hurt a lot more," Faith warned from the couch, though she was smiling. Willow nudged her and asked about Dawson's Creek. "I will never answer that question. Can it, Red."

Enjoying every moment of this, Xander took his dear sweet time addressing the woman in black sitting up on his floor. "But most of all today, oh heavenly Father, I wish to thank you for delivering this bit of holy justice in a female Spike before me. If ever a person deserved to lose their penis in the history of mankind, you chose wisely in allowing Spike, or Pam as Faith and I have decided to call him, to lose his."

Still fighting out a bit of dizziness, Spike stood to his feet. "You insufferable whelp."

"Father, for all the insults, rotten things, and all around debauchery he's committed over the years seeing him with breasts has become one of the most pleasing sights my eyes have ever witnessed. Never let it be said that you don't have a sense of humor, oh heavenly father. You most certainly do."

Rolling his eyes, Spike walked past Xander and politely asked Dawn to stop humming. The Key shrugged and then made her way over to the table only to find Willow had munched away all the nachos. All the witch could say was sorry.

"Slayer, have you lost your mind?" Spike questioned before her as she sat perched on the armrest of her couch. "Why in the world would you marry a man who used to listen to 'Wham' and who ate a hamburger once that was made of human meat?!"

"THE DOUBLEMEAT PALACE SPECIAL SAUCE TRICKED MY TASTE BUDS!"

Buffy shot a calming look her husbands way, then attended to Spike. "Things change, Spike. You know that better than anyone. I don't have to justify falling in love with Xander. I just did. And I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings but I traded up big time in the man department when I hooked up with him. I didn't settle," she noted cheerfully. "I got the prize at the bottom of the cereal box. A Xander-shaped prize with a little chocolaty construction hat and and a marshmallow shovel."

Spike stared at his former lover and then glared at Dawn. "You sister's on drugs."

"You," Dawn punctuated with a finger point, "Have ovaries!" Spike lowered his head. "But surprisingly ample breasts."

"Yeah, I actually do." Looking down at his chest, he cupped them. "I felt myself up in the bathroom on the plane ride over and..." The wide, startled eyes of everyone in the room were evidence that he had better let that sentence die. "So you're happy with Mr. Construction Guy?"

Joining Xander, Buffy leaned against his side and wrapped an arm around his waist. "Yes, I'm very happy. I've never been happier, Spike. But that's not the issue here," she implored him to understand as her voice rose once more. "What is important is that because of you my Ladies Night is in shambles and I will be the known as the crazy 'Twilight Zone' blond who scared the crap out of my neighbor."

Spike cupped his boobs again. "I'M A WOMAN!"

"I DON'T CARE!"

"I LOST MY PENIS!"

"ALL MEN WHO CHEAT SHOULD LOSE THEIR PENIS!" When Dawn yelled 'Woman Law', Buffy nodded. "You waltz in here like you're our dear friend and we should drop everything and help you. You could have called and asked for our help and explain everything that happened. You could have called before coming by here when you arrived in Cleveland. You could have acted like you give a damn about ."

"I've never been very good with manners, luv."

"Then neither will I. Leave. Go! Be gone! Take your perky boobs with you!" Xander's gentle tug on her arm caught her attention. "What?"

"We have to help him." His wife's shocked stare made him smile on the inside. Oh this was going to be good. "Look, Wills is going to have her friend look into the voodoo he's stuck in. As soon as we help him he'll leave. And you know if you kick him out of here now he'll just stalk around the shadows and your underwear might come up missing again and hot wings sales will rise and..."

"Okay, okay, okay," Buffy begrudgingly agreed with her hubby. The sooner they aided Spike the sooner he would leave. "Look Spike, I'm sorry about what happened to you but when you break a womans heart all bets are off. I hope this teaches you some sort of lesson."

"Oh it did. I'm never going to date two women again without knowing for sure if they are sisters." He nodded, then ducked behind the love seat when Buffy ran after another shoe to throw at him. Thankfully, Xander grabbed both of them off the floor before she could reach them. Buffy pouted. "What did I say?"

"I'm taking the day off of work tomorrow, so I'll see you guys around 10," Willow explained as she walked towards the door with Faith and Dawn in tow. "I'm sleepy and nacho-drunk. I'm gonna drive them home and catch some shut eye."

"Yeah, I gotta hit the salt mines of work in the morning, too," Faith yawned before turning a smirk towards the vampire. "I would ask how they hanging, but... uhm..." She just laughed at him.

Hugs all around at the door. Dawn offered to join them after her morning classes, while Faith just laughed when Buffy asked if she would help. Typical Faith.

Shutting the door behind him, Buffy found herself floored at the sight of Xander tossing a pillow and two blankets on their couch. Had he lost his mind? "I thought we'd go in together and pay for him a hotel room?"

"Honey, if he's here we can keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't get into anymore trouble."

"Who are you and what happened to my husband?"

Shutting off the lights in the living room, Xander walked over to her and reached for her hand. "Trust me. Lets get some shut eye and leave He/She..."

"I AM NOT A BLOODY HE/SHE!"

"... to get comfortable. It's been a trying day for our vampy pal and I'm sure he needs to get over the shock of you being married to me and the loss of his penis." The lack of understanding clouding his wife's lovely hazel eyes amused him to no end. With her hand in his he glanced over his shoulder and said, "Goodnight, Spike. The only red drink we have in our fridge is fruit punch, but you're welcome to it."

Watching them as they disappeared inside their bedroom, Spike wondered how his night could possibly get any worse.

* * *

While pushing their bedroom door shut behind her, Buffy's eyes remained curiously trained on Xander as he tore the heavy Cleveland Browns sweatshirt off and tossed it in the hamper, leaving him in his white cotton-shirt. He enjoyed a long, arms above his head stretch and seemed to be smiling for reasons she couldn't figure out. "Who are you and what have you done with my husband?"

Laughing softly, Xander expected no less from her. "I assure you I am not a pod-person, nor have I been mystically manipulated or had my mind taken over by aliens. I am of sound mind and body."

"Then why in the world..." Buffy pondered out loud while standing on the other side of their bed, her arms crossed over her chest, "Would you offer to let Spike stay in our home? And before you even hint at it don't think that I have a problem being close to him. He doesn't even factor in my thoughts these days. I'm all for keeping Spike as far from our lives as possible. He reeks of trouble and I like my home smelling of goodness and brownie-like things."

While removing his belt, Xander laid it over the back of the chair by their bedroom window and then sat down. He noticed how Buffy seemed truly surprised by his actions. He kinda liked that. They certainly weren't politically correct in any way. "Honey, I'm all for the fresh smelling home but the Spike-stench that now wiffs around is only temporary. I just think having him roam the city could lead to more badness versus having him here where we can make sure he stays out of trouble, gets turned back into a man and then quickly shoved on the next flight out of Cleveland."

"You don't care about him though?"

"No, I really don't."

"If he just poofed into dust in front of you'd I doubt you'd do more than shrug."

"I might giggle."

"You don't giggle. You'd smirk with that cute lop sided grin of yours."

"Why do people keep calling my grin lop sided? It sounds like I used to be a boxer and got hit in the face allot." That made her smile luminously for a moment. "Buff, seeing Spike turned into a woman and being completely wigged out about it brings me joy on two levels. One, he deserves all the crazy suffering he's going through right now. As a man for well over twenty years myself," she laughed that he was anything else, "I can attest to being quite used to seeing the penile gland or "Conan" as many women in my past have named him being there in the morning."

"First off there were never many women in your past and I have often wondered if "Conan" referred to Conan O'Brien?"

"I meant the barbarian as in Conan the Barbarian," Xander jokingly corrected her. "Or the Destroyer if you preferred Arnold's sequel over the original."

Exasperating as usual, Buffy shook her head and then sat on the edge of their bed. "So watching Spike suffer, whine, bitch, moan, and complain that he was unfairly turned into a woman gives you a happy?"

"Only you can give me a happy," he reminded her by staring into her beautiful hazel eyes. "Watching him gives me a jolly. Or perhaps a jingle. The jury is still out on that."

"So what's the second thing about this you're enjoying?"

"Revenge."

"So you just want to throw our relationship in his face to make him squirm?"

"Partly, yes."

"And you like it that he's shocked by our marriage?"

"Absolutely?"

"And tortured by the thought of us spending all our nights together?" she asked. "He could be over me you know. I got over him."

Despite her thoughts Xander wasn't moved in the least. "I saw his eyes tonight when he looked at you, Buff. He's not over you. Getting over you is near impossible and that's the voice of experience talking."

"Then why let a man in our home when you know he has feelings for me?"

"Because that man used to have a penis and be a male vampire for the last two hundred years. Now he's a whiny female vampire who in five short days might stay that way forever. All that smack he used to talk to me back in the day, all the insults, jokes, put downs and rubbing his affair with you in my face have have culminated in what we have today. A moment for some much needed, immature Xander-revenge."

Unable to suppress a grin, Buffy accepted that her Xan was one of a kind. "Honey, you're not supposed to admit that. You're supposed to act like this isn't about revenge and you just want to do the right thing and help someone."

"I don't really want to help Spike. I probably will, but I don't care if he stays that way or not. I just want to watch him suffer, faint a couple more times, and genuinely worry that he might never see his penis again. And if the whole time he's jealous of you belonging to me now then that's all the better." Those hazel eyes of hers flashed a note of anger at his Cave-Man like notion. "What?"

"I do not belong to you. I'm your wife, lover, and stylists. Also, your food choice consultant and finder of lost things. But I do not belong to you like some possession."

"Since when?"

"Since never!" she sorta shouted while laughing at how silly this was getting. "I'm my own woman."

"So you belong to yourself?"

"Exactly."

"And you don't belong to me?"

"I adore, love, respect, and enjoy shagging your brains out but no, I don't belong to you like your wallet or a pair of socks."

"But I belong to you."

Damn him and his little sweet lines that melted her heart in sappy ways. He looked far to handsome and cuddly sitting over there awaiting a response from her. When he had stoked her feminine ire over being a possession he doused it with tender affection just as quickly. She most certainly thought he was hers, but to take it further he wanted to be hers. In that moment she again realized that yeah, she was his too. And she loved being his.

The softer expression she wore signaled his victory. "Don't I belong to you?"

"Yes." Buffy felt strangely shy for even admitting it. "But I won this conversation, right?" she demanded to know and even pointed at him. He put his hands up defensively.

"You absolutely won, baby. You kicked my butt."

"Good." Buffy nodded.

"Come here."

He could easily get off that chair and join her on the bed in one stride across the room, but he loved making her come to him. He loved calling out for her and having her walk into his arms so that he could hold her tight and whisper something silly in her ear, squeeze her butt, and then ask her what she wants to watch on TV as he usually changed the channel for her. Their marriage wasn't perfect as that term didn't exist for anyone else either, but they've settled into something warm and wonderful that Buffy loved more than anything in the world.

"I said come here, Buffy."

That order-like tone was on purpose. He knew she hated orders as that was why he said it. "You're trying NOT to get laid tonight, aren't you?" She felt his eyes all over her body as they played their little game of cat and mouse. How could she have ever been in love before him when this was so much fun?

Xander sat up a bit straighter, his hands resting on his lap. "Come here."

Wanting to simply because he asked warred with her inner pride over needing to resist. Of course she didn't want to resist, but she couldn't let him see that. She had a far greater grasp on how relationships worked these days and knew that the affectionate push and pull between you and your lover was vital. Plus she wanted to touch him for all the reasons she loved him with all her heart.

No man had ever made her smile more than him. No man had ever wiped away more of her tears, inspired her to seek the life she wanted not spoken of in the Slayer's destiny, or truly believed in her that she could reach that goal more than him. But most importantly of all, he needed her love more than he had ever needed anything before. He often told her she was the light in his life and for a woman coming out of such brutal darkness from her past that was the absolute most beautiful thing he could say to her.

Lifting off the bed, Buffy found the hunger in his eyes endearing as much as it aroused her. Pride be damned her man wanted her and so she was going. Some other night in the not to distant future he'd be forced to come to her, but for now she'd concede. Her methodical journey towards him, which consisted of less than ten steps came with the knowledge that he was ready to pounce on her as soon as she was within arms reach.

Gazing at her with such longing, Xander spread his legs apart, allowing her to stand in the space he made. His large hands found her hips, giving them a gentle squeeze just because he could, tugging her closer. "How's my girl?"

His calling her that shouldn't still give her butterflies, but it did. She reached our with her right hand and brushed some of his hair back off his ear. "Janine's such a nice person, Xan. She's really cool and 'Ladies Night' was going really well until He/She Spike showed up."

"What happened?"

Buffy sighed, "He ran in ranting and raving about being turned into a woman, then got into with Janine and splashed wine on Willow to show off her non-splash spell on her clothes."

Xander ducked his head, knowing how a person unassociated with things like magic might take seeing that. What was worse, this disappointed his wife.

"Then he tossed your weight lifting bar across the room at me and when I caught it with one hand Janine saw how strong I was. And the capper, you'll really love this one. Spike walked back towards Janine and vamped out in front of her."

With an 'ouch expression on his face, Xander added, "I saw Janine running in the hallway." Buffy's hopeful look that he might of fixed things quickly faded when his didn't match. "I doubt we get an invite to her Christmas Party."

Buffy shrugged and then was sweetly pulled over his lap, now lying in the full embrace of his warm arms wrapped around her. She rested her head on his shoulder while his hand spanned her slender thighs, stroking her legs in a relaxing manner. A VERY relaxing, sensual manner. "I have to tell Janine something, you know? I just can't have our neighbor thinking we're a bunch of weirdos."

Xander thought long and hard about how to fix this. "Okay, here's what you do. Tell her that lady she met has a drug problem and that the weight lifting bar was one of those gag toys I bought out of a magazine that's made of rubber and weighed about 25 pounds. You do run and work out, so that's plausible you caught the bar with one arm and not much trouble."

Buffy rolled that around her mind for a minute. "That's not bad. Continue."

"Okay, no one believes in magic. Unfortunately, you have to make Janine doubt herself and what she saw. Just tell her the wine wasn't splashed directly at Willow and stick to it. Eventually Janine will go along with you. If she says otherwise she'll think she's crazy and since no one wants to be crazy she will reconsider what she saw."

"That's quite evil and plausible. I love you for it."

"Lastly, tell Janine that our drug addicted former friend has a very bad facial rash and needs Proactive Solution like Jessica Simpson and P.Diddy on all those late night infomercials."

Locking her arms around his neck, Buffy nuzzled his face before kissing him. "I promise to use no less than 75 of your outlandish lies in order to regain Janine as a possible new normal friend." With her hand turning his face to her, she pressed her lips to his in a long sweet kiss. His arms hugged her tight to him as they lovingly made out with her sitting on his lap, her free hand tangling in the hair on the back of his head.

"So," Buffy began with a last kiss. "How did 'Men's Night' go?"

Forming coherent words weren't easy with a woman as sexy as Buffy sitting on your lap. Especially as parts of you began to throb in response to being so close to her. "I managed to use my size and the great traction I have with my new winter boots to score two touchdowns in our game of blizzard football."

"Yay for my scoring honey." His hands began to roam her body, caressing her sensually. She knew what was on his mind as it was on hers as well. "Anything else?"

"I must admit my touchdown celebration dance was quite wild with all the arms flailing and attempted Michael Jackson moonwalk. Unfortunately I slipped on a patch of ice and fell down."

"Poor baby."

"I retained my manliness do to the other men having fallen down as well," he finished in a low, husky tone as his mouth descended to her neck, gently nibbling that little spot he knew made her all hot and bothered. A soft groan was evidence enough he achieved the desired effect. "I want you," he whispered in her ear before taking a little bite on her lobe, then then running his tongue around the shell.

She 'felt' how badly he wanted her pulsing against her hip. "How do I know you want me and not just for Spike to hear us going at it?"

"Oh, I want that too."

"Way to make a girl feel sexy, Xan."

"Buff, I want you all the time and you know it, but yes, I don't care if he hears me fucking you." Cupping her face, he recognized the desire clouding her eyes. "Once upon a time you did a very bad thing in a crypt with Mr. He/She when I came there looking for you. Do you remember that? The 'ear' thing?"

Bowing her head, Buffy's jaw clenched tight as guilt welled up inside her. "That was a very stupid, disrespectful moment that I regret and I'm sorry for."

"Prove it."

"You're a jerk," she smiled at the naughty smirk on his face.

"A horny jerk who wants justice and proof his incredible wife is sorry for that one bad moment."

Arching her hips back to collide with the hard budge tenting his jeans, Buffy whispered ever so softly. "Get your pants off now."

* * *

If there were only one eternal truth in all the universe Alexander Harris held dear to his heart it was that he didn't need to die in order to earn a one-way trip to Heaven. He was experiencing it here and now on Earth in the form of being utterly devoured by the single most desirable woman that had ever lived.

With his arms drawn comfortably behind his neck in bed, stretched out naked in the most relaxing pose you could imagine, Xander's breathing grew husky as the sensations of a warm, wet tongue slowly slithered up and down his cock. Gritting his teeth, his eyes screwed shut as he drowned in helpless arousal. The luscious nude form of his wife worked such wickedness over his lap that his toes curled in sweet reply. The sheer pleasure of her lips pursed over the glistening head as her tongue chased crystal-clear droplets of seeping moisture left him so far gone he felt dizzy and she'd only just begun.

"I love you, Xan. That's why I'm doing this," Buffy hummed at the heady expression of sheer pleasure he wore as she gently pumped him in her fist from root to tip. Bowing her head once more, her lips closed around him as she sucked tenderally on the head, allowing saliva to trickle down the length of him. "I was in a very dark, ugly place when I hurt your feelings years ago and I recognize that every now and then a girl has to go that extra mile to prove to her man that she's truly sorry. Consider this my extra mile."

Her technique was so damn incredible it should be illegal, and yet Xander knew he'd break the law with her every single day of his life if he could. The firm squeeze of her soft hand caused his hips to lift an inch off the bed. He shuddered submissively. "I'm... I'm going to need plenty of convincing that you understand what you did was wrong." He heard a pleasant chuckle between his thighs and then his heart stopped when she began lapping her way up and down his cock in such a decadently sensual rhythm his eyes rolled behind their lids, his fingers clawing at the bedsheets. "You were a bad girl."

"I'm your bad girl now." Determined to blow his mind, pun intended, Buffy parted her lips over the head, swirling her tongue over the small hole, causing him to quiver and shake beneath her. She knew how much he loved it and knew just what to do to drive him crazy. The pointed tip of her tongue left him throbbing against her mouth. Gazing up from her position, the view of his handsome features contorted lustfully inspired her. "This is all for you, baby. Just lay back and enjoy it."

Lowering her head over the flared rim of his cock, she took him inside the wet heat of her mouth, gently suckling the tip before slowly bobbing up and down as she took more of him deeper. Moaning loudly when she blew hot air on him, her teeth gently scraped the length on each downward plunge of her mouth, pulling harder on his throbbing cock.

"God, Buffy..." The intense warmth of her mouth left him breathless, lost in the fire of her passion for him. A hoarse groan escaped his lungs, followed by a groan of contentment as her tongue skimmed all over his cock. The soft circle her lips made around him coupled with the muffled moans she made blurred his vision. The curtain of lush blond hair draped over his midsection as her head rose and fell in perfect time with her heated suckling. He was insanely turned on at the sight of his cock pressing out against her cheek as she tenderally massaged him with her mouth. "I love you," Buffy gasped again before sucking feverishly, with one hand squeezing his balls while the other pumped at the base of his shaft. The uncontrollable throbbing grew, signaling he needed just a little more to go flying off the edge of oblivion. She drew in her cheeks, vacuuming his hardness deeper as her sucking grew louder, faster. The strained, animalistic noises he made sent her into a fury of motion.

Suddenly, she felt his balls swell and her name cried out loudly as he erupted in surging wet bursts. She hungrily swallowed every one, her hands now holding his quaking, tensing thighs in place while she completely finished him off, draining every last drop until he exhaled loudly in happy exhaustion.

Lifting her dark eyes from where her head rested against his inner thigh, Buffy loved the sight of his dreamy expression, harsh breathing, rapid rise and fall of his chest, and glassy eyed stare at the ceiling. She just kicked his ass and that was that. Mercifully, she gave him a few minutes to regain his faculties. "So am I forgiven?" she asked in a honeyed voice.

Feeling her soft lips kissing their way up his trembling belly, over his ribs, and then finally over the heart she owned soothed him down from on high. Wearing a deeply satisfied smile, Xander silently swore he saw the universe on their bedroom ceiling. "There are no words in the English language or any other that could describe how incredible you are," he complimented as the feeling in his legs returned. "I'm fairly convinced you know what you did was wrong, but the juries still out if you are truly sorry for your crimes."

Loving the unique taste of perspiration on his skin was only one of the many things Buffy adored about her husband. The feel of his heart beating beneath her lips as she kissed over it was yet another of her little joys. "I thought I just made one hell of a case for being sorry."

"Well, I'm certainly aware that you... that you..." Her lips made contact with his pulse on his neck, gentling biting him there before she rose over him. Gazing at the woman he loved more than his own life, she was so beautiful to him that it almost hurt to look at her.

Without warning her mouth descended on his, capturing him in a deep tongue caress that saw their bodies grinding as his hands spanned her small back before grasping the firm cheeks of her backside, causing her to moan against his lips. The sound of which reignited the fire she'd created as he began to harden again.

Loving a man with a quick reload, Buffy lifted her mouth as her tongue ran over her kiss-swollen lips, hovering a fraction of an inch above his. "Perhaps I do owe you a couple more apologies," she smiled down at him before reaching between them to stroke his erection. She watched his throat constrict while pumping his cock. "You mean the world to me. Do you know that?"

"Yes," Xander struggled to reply as his world focused on her alone. "Of course."

"Good. Now lets get down to business." Buffy sauntered her hips backward until the head of his shaft pressed against her moist entrance. She gently sank him inside of her, the thick column of flesh spreading her asunder as she settled back on his lap after a couple of careful down-thrusts. Fiery spasms rocked her slim body as she was holding him so deep, loving how hard and thick he felt inside her.

"You feel so good, baby," Xander rasped. His large hands fell to her hips, grabbing a firm hold as she began to rock back and forth, riding him at agonizingly slow pace that saw her lips part, her white teeth flashing.

With her bottom lip caught between her teeth, hands resting on her thighs as she rolled her hips in tense circles, slicking his cock with her arousal while squeezing tight around him. She sucked in her breath, sinking down all the way as he filled her so deeply. The feel of him throbbing inside her, that sweet, hot friction grazing her clit ever so often sent heat streaks up and down her spine.

"I'm sorry for eating your last bowl of Frosted Flakes last week," Buffy whispered in his ear when she bent over him, riding his rigid cock lower as their bodies collided. "I made you think Dawn did it, but I lied. It was me."

"You're forgiven," Xander declared against her neck, nibbling the sensitive skin as his hips began lifting, thrusting up into her until she pushed him back, hands on his shoulders as she took full control once more. Her snug inner walls pulled on him so deliciously as each descent of her slim hips stole more of his sanity. She was riding him right out of his mind, her gorgeous small breasts bouncing in time with the way she worked him in and out of her body.

"Every now and then when I want to fill up my gas tank I steal your credit card and withdraw money from that ATM at the currency exchange on the corner." Grinning as her hips churned on his lap, Buffy mouthed a silent 'Sorry'.

"You sneaky little devil." His head lifted, lashing a peaked nipple before drawing the tip in his mouth, nibbling and suckling. The sensations that tore through Buffy's body caused her to shake. One of his hands covered her other breast, the nipple stiffening under his palm.

"Remember your... your company picnic three weeks ago?"

"Yeah... you had to take care of Dawn that day she... she had the flu really bad."

"Honey... Dawn... Dawn was fine. I just didn't want to go. Sorry."

"You are so lucky I love the ground you walk on." Unable to hold himself in check in longer, Xander sat up quickly, sliding one arm around her waist to haul her firm to his chest as he began to pound up into her, fucking her harder. Soft whining noises filled the room as did the sounds of their bodies merging time and time again. Their bodies rubbed together, her nipples scraping over his chest as they clung to each other, grinding and thrusting harder, lost in the heated moment, bucking and writhing.

They kissed with a desperate hunger that was fast blazing out of control.

"Love you... love you so much," Buffy groaned as she was being impaled on his hard cock, her arms locked tight around his neck as she felt her straining clit grazing against his pelvis every time he thrust hard into her until she squealed so loud her ears rang as a raging, intense climax left her quivering uncontrollably in his arms. "Uhhnnn... ahh... ahhh... ahhh..." She hung on to him as the hot sparks burned through her soul, her eyes shut, teeth bared, her heart racing a mile a minute.

Shuddering all over, Buffy recovered in his strong embrace and then found herself on her back with his large frame looming above her. Instinctively her legs wrapped around his waist, drawing him closer. She compressed wetly around his surging cock, their tongues entwined in a furious kiss, their thighs smacking urgently as they fucked each other.

"Need you," Xander growled into her mouth while delving deeper in her heated depths. Buffy's slender hips strained to meet his thrusts. Her body quivered with each solid impact, her gorgeous face tainted with pure ecstasy. The overpowering urge to come inside her grew as the bed creaked loudly, rattling against the wall behind it.

Surely the noise could be head outside their bedroom...

"Love you... Godloveyousomuch." Tingling sensations seized her body as her nipples burned against his chest. Her nails raked over his back before descending down his side and over his ass. She clung to him for dear life, arching her hips to fuck him back just as aggressively as he was taking her. The delirious rush of pleasure grinding her clit left her panting louder and louder.

Xander loved the way Buffy cradled his head in the crook of her shoulder while gripping him with her squeezing thighs. Quickening thrusts made the bed shake as she writhed beneath him, her pink lips parted on the wing tips of soft mewling sounds of passion. The hardness surging hard inside her stimulated every nerve ending in her body, constantly hitting that sweet spot that caused her eyes to glisten it felt so good. She kissed her husband while bucking feverishly toward her oncoming orgasm.

Loving the way she full-body clutched herself around him, the exquisite tightness, clasping slick heat around his cock left him so close to his own end he seized the urge to force hers first. Fucking her harder, deeper than before his mouth covered her, sucking lovingly her tongue while thrusting faster until near violent spasms overwhelmed her in a storming climax.

Buffy screamed for him... and he just lost it, crying out her name repeatedly in savage ejaculations of wet heat inside her as they came together.

Timeless minutes later peace reigned as they breathed each others breath, holding on so tight to one another, the moment marked as magnificent.

"Buffy?"

"Yes?"

"You are officially forgiven for all past sins and any you that may occur in the future."

"Yay," she panted in a soft voice. When she saw his wide smile she kissed him again, their sweat glistened bodies still intimately connected. "Baby, you do realize having Spike here doesn't affect me at all, right? I had a long talk with him two years ago and we hashed out everything and left the past in the past. I don't hate him nor do I feel I am obligated to help him. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, I do."

"It affects you because you think its so funny."

"Pretty much." Her gentle laughter made him so happy. "He's a woman, honey. Spike has been turned into a woman. Its a walking comedy that I need to see every second of for very immature male reasons."

"I guess I have to go along with it then. But for the record I have no problem sending Spike on his way. He made this mess and its his responsibility, not ours."

"This will be fun, Buff. I promise many laughs and giggles."

"I'm going to hold you to that," she kissed him again. "Okay, here are my orders."

"Orders?"

"I just sucked your cock and fucked your brains out. You will most certainly follow my orders. And I swallowed."

There really was no male defense for such a statement. The only respectful reply was what Xander gave her. He nodded his head like a good boy.

"While I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth and taking a quick shower you will venture into our kitchen and reheat all the pizza we didn't eat last night. Upon returning you will bring the Nestle Chocolate Milk carton and a couple of glasses. We will watch Wonder Years on Nick at Night and then fall asleep. Got it?"

"I just love how hungry sex makes you."

"Hop to it, Xan. I need pizza. Now."

* * *

Angel's been to hell.

As for Spike, well, he thought he's glimpsed it once or twice... maybe. Possibly. But that didn't matter now.

For the current blond he/she vampire knew beyond a shadow of a doubt hell was what he'd just heard coming from Buffy and Xander's bedroom. Oh no, it wasn't enough that he was without his penis and trapped inside the body of a woman with less than six days to reverse it or become the home of an XY chromosome forever. No, that wasn't torturous enough.

Fate, destiny, God or Goddess herself seemed fit to punish him by being forced to hear Buffy enjoying some very enthusiastic sex with her... Spike couldn't even think the word much less say it, so he referred to Xander as the whelp. When once he'd made her make those passionate noises, now he had to see her in love with the whelp, happy and married.

He's stake himself if he didn't want his penis back so badly.

Yes, this was hell. Pure hell. And as he stared at the ceiling while hoping they wouldn't go at it another round, he again tried in vain to fall sleep, but to no avail. Until he had his penis and male body back he would not know rest nor peace of mind. And if he were forced to hear Buffy crying out Xander's name again he was sure he'd lose what was left of his sanity.

Having made peace with Buffy over their one-time affair, while he still harbored a profound sweet-spot for the Slayer, he'd gotten back to being the Big-Bad he once was with no regrets. As long as Buffy wasn't with Angel he figured he'd live. But for her to be with the idiot just burned him up inside, And he knew a thing or two about being on fire.

Oh, but wait. It's about to get much worse. When Spike rolled over on his side while lying on the couch in the darkened living room he heard the bedroom door open and then saw a shirtless, sweaty Xander stride out and into the kitchen. He looked well-satisfied and reeked of Buffy's unique scent. The whelp, as Spike called him in his mind darted an all to sarcastic smirk his way, grabbed some pizza. nuked it in the microwave, and then strolled right back into the bedroom while humming a jaunty tune.

Hell... that's where Spike was.

* * *

**Deja-Voodoo **

**Your one-stop shop for pot smokers, holiday recipes, lottery tickets, occult books and mystical items.  
666 Hangover Drive **

**The parking lot **

**Tuesday, December 6, 2005 9:30 AM **

**Cleveland, Ohio**

"MORE SHADE, MORE SHADE YOU NINNY!" Spike shouted from beneath a thick blanket in the back seat of Xander's SUV as when slowly pulled into the back of the building. The dark blanket covering his body had begun smoking when Mr. Harris 'accidentally' opened the sun roof. Accidentally, mind you. "I SWEAR I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS SOMEDAY!"

"Oh hush," Buffy ordered behind a little laugh as she knew her husband did it on purpose. He was cute and villain-like that way, simplistic as it was. Upon noticing a decidedly unpleasant scent she calmly opened her passenger side window. "Baking vampire smells nothing like fudge brownies." Thinking that over for a moment, she added, "And I've got a wicked craving for fudge brownies."

"You want me to pick up some for you later on today at that bakery you like on Kostner?" Xander asked. "I have to stop by the bank anyway and they're right next to each other?"

"Yeah, do that. But no brownies with nuts. I want fudge only. Nuts drive me nuts," Buffy cheerfully detailed, and then thought about it some more. "You know what? They have the best frosted vanilla cakes."

Upon hearing that Willow leaned in between the seats. "Was this bakery where you bought that frosted vanilla cake you had last week?" she questioned while Spike groaned from beneath his blanket. "The one I called 'The Orgasm in your Mouth' cake?"

Nodding, Xander laughed, "Verbally awe-inspiring as ever, yes Wills. The bakery's called Chocolate Heaven. And when I die I want to go be buried there or somewhere nearby I can haunt. Nothing says afterlife screams afterlife like scaring little kids with cookies in their hands."

"I may have driven past it once or twice," Willow said. "You can't just get an orgasm in your mouth anywhere... well, you can but I am thinking of the kind to enjoy amongst friends... I mean fully-clothed friends in a non orgy-like setting... I think I'll shut up now. I just like frosted vanilla cake."

"As do we all," Buffy nodded. "Chocolate Heaven is incredible. I'd live there if they could get Xander and I nice sized bedroom and Direct TV. Or maybe just Direct TV and one of the roll out couches. Those are comfy. And you have to try their oatmeal raisin cookies. They make them with these huge.."

"HELLO!" Spike shouted again, muffled by the blanket over his head. "I'M A WOMAN AND YOU FOOLS ARE DISCUSSING PASTRIES! DAMN YOU SODS! DO NONE OF YOU CARE ABOUT MY PLIGHT?!"

"Not particularly," his three car-mates said in unison.

"MAY YOU ALL DIE FROM PASTRY POISIONING!" Leaping from the car while smoking heavily, he/she Spike raced the few feet towards the side door, swung it open and quickly ducked inside the store. Curtained windows enabled him to throw off the blanket from his head.

From behind the counter a pair of kindly green eyes stared daggers at the strange woman who seemed to be... well, she was... smoking. It lifted from her skin as if it were boiling. But the woman bore burn marks that she could see. "Child, are you alright? Do you need a doctor?" Leora asked, her thick Hispanic accent apparent."

Spike swallowed hard, taking in the large, multi shelved store around him. He soon fixed his gaze on the heavy-set woman behind the counter. "Are you Willow's friend who knows all about curses and voodoo?"

Leora tilted her head. "Willow?"

Spike emitted an exasperated sigh. "Yes, the lesbian red-head witch slash computer expert who once tried to destroy the world. That Willow. Do you know her?"

"Slow down for a second and tell me who you are and why you're smoking in my store. See the sign over there," Leora pointed to the 'No Smoking' sign.

"Oh for crying out loud, do you see a bloody cigarette dangling from my lips?" Spike stomped back and forth in front of the counter, running his hands through his short cropped platinum hair. "Look, are you or are you not Willow's friend who's an expert on curses and voodoo."

"Again," Leora calmly stated, her arms crossed over her chest. "Who are you?"

"Great. I'm dealing with a bloody retard." The older womans eyes seemed to widen in anger from his insult, though Spike seemed to not care. He shouted in case there was someone in the back, "Is there anyone here who can answer my..."

"Vosh-Nar-Tasor!" There. Leora had enough of being insulted in her own store. Having removed her rude new guest's ability to speak, she reached for the bat she kept behind the counter as she prepared to remove the woman from her store.

Suddenly Willow appeared in the doorway, with Buffy and Xander standing behind her. "Leora, hey. How's my fav occult books dealer." Walking over, she quickly hugged Leora, who hugged her back affectionately while still holding her bat.

"I'm doing fine, dear," she replied while holding onto her friend. "Now please tell me you know who this idiot is? She keeps asking if I know you."

Sighing, Willow motioned for Leora to take a seat. "I have a very, very long and strange and weird and kinda wacky story to tell you. It begins with a vampire, two gypsies, and that evil male organ known as a penis."

* * *

When Willow finished telling her tale Leora was hunched over laughing so Xander had to get her a glass of water from the back of the store. "Bless those gypsies," she asserted wearing a most pleased expression. She turned her gaze towards the blond vampire transgender. "Every woman who is done wrong by a man should have a wealth of curses at her disposal to use. I swear, this one takes the cake though."

Spike could do little more than stand against the back wall, sulk, and hope no one opened a window. He'd smoked enough for one day, thank you very much.

Leora approached the vampire, carefully looking him/her over. She reached inside her blouse and pulled the emerald tear drop gem she wore from around her neck out. Holding it in the palm of her hand gave her a mystical insight into whatever she happened to be gazing at.

"Okay, lets see what we're working with here," Leora began as she circled he/she Spike. The complex aura surrounding the vampire was born of pain and sadness and betrayal, with faint flickers of light. "This is some very powerful voodoo that's been placed on you. And given the short time frame we have to find a cure you might want to prepare yourself just in case you have to stay this way." He/she vigorously shook her head, trying to convey with her hands that there had to be something in this store that could help her. "I'll do my best."

Buffy tried to appear truly concerned for Spike, but alas she was more than a little intrigued by all the interesting mystical artifacts, ancient arcane books, multi-ticket lottery machines, Thanksgiving Day recipes, and varied colorful pot smoking items the store sold. She had to admit this place was eccentric to the max. "This is place is like Wall Mart for the underworld. All thats missing is a Subway restaurant with a little Arab guy behind the counter."

"I pride myself on offering a little bit of everything, my dear," Leora noted with a smile while thumbing through a thick voodoo journal that might shed some like on Spike's dilemma. "I don't sell gas, nudie magazines, or condoms. But someone did win fifty grand here on a scratch off ticket."

When Xander turned around he saw Willow with a fist full of one dollar bills at the lottery ticket machine. She smiled at him and he smiled back. She had no idea that in a few short months she wouldn't need any lottery tickets anymore.

Buffy walked along the far right wall, looking over the gorgeously painted vases and shimmering mirrors that seemed to change her hair color depending upon how she looked into it. Small statues of pirates who's head's followed her when she walked by caught her attention as well. Finally, she came upon a clear globe settled onto a wooden throne of sorts. When she touched the globe it glowed instantly. "Cool. Its like desk lamp complete with magical light. I bet that will never need batteries."

Time passed slowly while Willow helped Leora in researching curses and voodoo spells connected to romantic betrayals. Spike sulked as was expected, and it only got worse watching Buffy and Xander shop as they found more than a couple of things they wanted for their apartment. And to make matters worse he had to pee and just didn't want to look down there and see what wasn't there anymore.

"I'm going to need to research transgenderredirection more carefully and will consult a friend of mine in Louisiana. I'll give you guys a call when I have something." With a polite wave of her hand, Leora lifted Spike's voice mute. "You can talk again provided you can show some respect."

Glaring angrily at everyone, Spike walked back to his blanket, threw it over his head, and then raced back outside to Xander's car.

Xander pressed the lock button on his key chain as soon as Spike reached his car, enjoying the sound of loud British curse words and watching him smoke before he finally opened the door. Spike jumped into the backseat, closing it immediately. "I'm bad and I know it. But sometimes being bad is fun."

Buffy took his car keys from his hand, then pressed a kiss to his cheek. "You've had enough fun for today," she teased. "Now go pay for our stuff while Willow and I open a window so smoking Spike-scent doesn't invade our clothes."

"Okay dear." Willow and Buffy said their goodbyes to Leora while Xander paid for their items. "Rest assured I will become a regular patron of your establishment."

"You're welcome here anytime, Xander. Just don't bring another vampire with you." Leora laughed followed Xander when something caught his attention. He was checking out her globe shelf, specifically a clear one settled one a wooden throne. "I doubt you need that one dear. Its the worlds oldest, fastest, and best mystical pregnancy test. A woman touches it and if it glows, she's expecting. No pee needed."

Xander bolted backwards away from it, shaking his head. "It'll be a very long time before I'll be needing one of those in my house," he smiled to himself. Upon receiving no reply he glanced over his shoulder and found Leora holding a small bottle of white pills while reading something very carefully. She seemed truly engrossed in it.

"Xander, I think I have the answer to the vampire's problem."

"What is it?"

"These," Leora held up the bottle with a bit of a frown on her face. "Apparently a group of male sorcerers, all adulterers who frequented whores in the 1700's created a cure for all curses related to men cheating on their wives or girlfriends."

Xander rubbed his chin while staring at the small bottle. "So what does Spike have to do?"

"Take one pill with a tall glass of water and presto, he'll have Mr. Happy back."

His brows creased. "That's it?"

"Yeah. Voodoo's strange that way. Look how Spike was able to walk in here without asking permission. Voodoo is wacky sometimes." Leora extended the bottle. "Here you go. Free of charge cause you are your wife are so cute together."

Shrugging, Xander took the bottle. "We all might need some pot after dealing with Spike," he joked.

"Hey, not listen here. I do not sell pot. I sell products related to the medicinal usage of pot." Leaning over the counter, she whispered, "You wouldn't suffer from glaucoma, would you?" She winked. "Cause you know, Will does from time to time. I might possesses a medicinal sample," she winked again, "For a small fee of course."

Xander's eyes bugged out. "WHAT?!"

"Shhhh." Xander nodded knowingly, and then laughed. "I see I'm going to have to have a talk with Ms.Rosenberg." Thinking things over, he just couldn't help but to feel Spike was getting off far to easy for breaking those poor girls hearts. That was when evil-Xander, firmly seated on his right shoulder began to speak a plan of such mindless, immature revenge for things that happened years ago he could either indulge in such frivolous revenge or let it go and be take the high road.

Decisions, decisions...

"Leora, for an extra hundred bucks would you help me teach a vampire a lesson or two about breaking womens hearts while helping me gain revenge for things that happened years ago?"

"That's kinda immature."

"I'll make it a hundred fifty."

Leora thought it over. "Deal. What do I have to do?"

"Just call my wife on her cell phone and tell her that the real cure is..."

* * *

**The End of Chapter 4A**


	5. Revenge, retaliation, and get back!

**Title: "6 Months"  
Chapter 4B/7 **

**Written by: Shawn**

**Summary: Under the watchful eyes of the Scooby Gang, Spike endures the trials he believes will restore his manhood. Meanwhile, Faith makes a shocking discovery at her new boyfriends house that leads to a confrontation with Buffy and Xander.**

**Category: Romance/Humor **

**Rated: NC-17. **

**Ship: Buffy/Xander**

**Timeline/Spoilers: Everything up to the BtVS series finale "Chosen" is canon except Xander losing his eye. Outside of that it's my AU. Every thing's explained in the story.**

**My personal archive: http://groups. Joss owns it all. I just let them out to play once in a while.  
Email: Notes 1: Willow, Buffy, Xander, Faith, and Dawn live in Cleveland, watching over the as-of-yet unopened Hellmouth. They are currently retired and living normal lives for once. Of course every now and then a vamp sighting might spur a patrol, but for the most part they're fighting the same every day struggles and frustrations as you or I.**

**Authors Notes 2: This story is for fun and laughs. Taking it any deeper will detract from enjoying it. In other words, read it when you're in a good mood or if you need to be put in one.**

**Authors Notes 3: No angst in this chapter. Just sit back and laugh. Let the good times roll.**

**Authors Notes 3: I'm not a Spike fan. Never have been and never will be. You have been warned.**

**

* * *

**

**As soon as folk see my face on the movie screen they know two things: First, I'm not going to get the girl and second, I'll get a cheap funeral before the picture is over. -- Lee Marvin**

**The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. unknown author**

**What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come. unknown author**

**

* * *

**

**Week 11**

**The Chocolate Heaven Worlds best bakery. **

**At least to those that live in Cleveland **

**77 North Kostner **

**Tuesday, December 6, 2005 11:30 AM **

**Cleveland, Ohio**

Willow's wild giggling lasted from the second Buffy's call from Leora ended until the moment Xander parked in front of the Chocolate Heaven bakery where the Slayer raced out of the car to buy some anti-exercise goodies.

Seated comfortably in the front seat, Xander allowed himself the luxury of enjoying his best friends hysterical reaction to "the cures" for Spike gypsy-inflicted lady curse. He equally absorbed the child-like glee bought on by Spike's grumblings as the he/she platinum vampire cursed in no less than five languages, though mostly British swear words.

Yeah, it was looking to be a good day indeed for Alexander Lavelle Harris.

"Willow, I'd give you a good thrashing if you couldn't turn me into a frog or something," Spike bitched from under his blanket. The witch just kept right on laughing, so hard in fact she couldn't even go in the bakery with Buffy, instead sending the Slayer off to shop for her. "This isn't a bloody joke! This is my flipping life on the line! What kind of bloke would I be without my manhood? I'M A WOMAN!"

Having helped save the world more than a couple of times, as well as having tried to end it once herself, Willow was quite sure she'd seen and heard it all. Apparently that wasn't the case as she favored the blanket shrouded shemale vampire with nothing less than the cheerful grin of a lonely girl recently asked to the prom by the cutest guy in her class. Or perhaps in her case the cutest girl. "Its... its just that you have to take a bath in..." She shook her head, now hunched over in a fit of giggles. "You have to... you have to actually have... with a... Goddess, where would you even find one?"

Xander deftly interjected, "While I will neither confirm nor deny any knowledge of places where such things are sold, there is a slight chance I might be able to locate a facility that sells such items."

"You mean a porn shop?"

"No, Willow!" he quickly added behind a curling smirk. "And don't laugh at me for knowing about such places, not that I admit that I do. You wouldn't want me to make fun of your periodic outburst of glaucoma that require the medicinal usage of weed, now would you?"

Deer in headlights expression worn on the face of a fair-skinned witch. Willow blinked. "I... I..."

"Uh huh."

"My eyes hurt when I'm in front of the computer to long and..." Spike nudged Wills from beneath his blanket.

"You got a stash, luv? I could use a high right about now."

Looking over his shoulder, Xander glared into the backseat. "The only smoking you will be doing is if that blanket accidentally falls off you."

"I HATE YOU HARRIS!"

"Fine. Get out and walk back to England."

"You know good and well I can't walk around in the blooming daytime, you ninny!"

"That's not my fault. You came to my wife for help and you're getting it. You honestly don't deserve help since you made this he/she bed you are currently lying in. You should be thanking us for helping you."

"Listen up, wanker. More than a few times I aided your bloody Scooby troupe in saving the day."

"For every time you helped us you there were three attempts to kill us," Xander reminded the Billy Idol wannabe in a currently female form. "Then there were the multiple betrayals, backstabbing, and your overall eagerness to be the Big Bad that have left you living off of our compassion."

"Well said, Xander." Willow smiled in support.

"Well, if you ask me..."

Xander added, "No one did, Spike!"

"I think you're still sore over me putting the good wood to your wife all those years ago."

No sooner than the words left the he/she's lips did the sunroof in Xander car slowly open, allowing in the warm rays of the brilliantly bright sun.

"Ahhhh!!!! YOU WANKER YOU!! AHHHH!!!"

"Xander..."

Willow's compassionate tone, as well as a wee bit of giggling was reason enough to shut the sun roof. Also, the scent of burning Nosferatu wasn't so pleasant. "There will be no more talk of anything you've ever done with my wife, Spike. We're helping you out of the goodness of our hearts and not for any other reason. Got it?"

"One day I'm gonna bite your..." Spike howled when the sunroof began to slowly draw back again. "Alright, alright! Bloody hell!"

Justice, thy name was Xander. And Wills seemed to be quite amused by the show.

Upon looking up, Mr Harris watched Mrs Harris stroll her cute and deadly self out of the bakery carrying a large bag of teeth-rottening goodness. "Oh how I love that woman."

"Me too."

The sunroof began to slowly open!

"I HATE HER! I HATE HER!" Spike howled.

"Well I hate you too," Buffy sing-songed upon climbing in the passenger seat, bag in her lap. She tilted her head and sniffed the air, then scrunched up her nose. "Smokey Spike doesn't make for a pleasing driving experience, honey."

"Sorry, I just couldn't resist." Carefully lifting the bag from her lap, Xander perused the various contents. "Merciful heavens."

Buffy knew that look as the Xander look or pleasure. Orgasm's and chocolate usually brought about that expression, "I bought two double frosted fudge cakes, an assortment of vanilla stripped cookies. a carton of fudge brownies, and a deep dish apple pie that I know some kindly, old woman with a Titanic-sized amount of loving grandkids baked with goodness in her heart." Her husband popped open the box containing the cookies and immediately distributed a couple to her and Willow.

"Mmmm!" the Scooby Gang moaned delightfully in unison upon eating them.

"I suppose I don't rank a cookie, right!" Spike groaned from beneath his dark blanket. Willow shoved two underneath it. He devoured them pretty quickly. "Could use a bit more nutmeg."

Everyone stared at the he/she.

"What?" he answered even though he couldn't see their faces. "I ate a baker once."

"Way to kill the appetite, Spike." Buffy laid her cookie back in the box. "So," the Slayer began, "Have we solved the way to deal with Spike's first trial?"

"Alas, I shall be forced to use mind-altering magic to get us in the zoo," Willow explained. "After that its up to you."

Buffy shivered, but she knew the sooner Spike had his penis back the sooner he would high-tail it out of town. "Well, if I must. But how about the second trial?" Wills snickered in the backseat. "Let me guess? Xander knows exactly where to get a..."

"PLEASE SLAYER!" Spike shouted. "Do not remind me of my utter shame. Let us just purchase the revolting item and be done with it."

Pushing that horrifically bad mental picture from her mind, Buffy decided on the sweeter picture of her husband munching fudge in the front seat. She could never, ever imagine enjoying the sight of Spike or Riley or Angel doing this, no mater that two out of the three couldn't in the daytime. But this guy here, the one she married, he just charmed her every single day. Even with fudgy crumbs on his jacket. "You're so hot."

Peering up, Xander gave a slightly embarrassed laugh. "Is it the sexy way I inhale fudge with my hands that so enchants you?"

"No, its the fact that you will bend over backwards to help an ex-lover of mine regain his penis."

"I will not bend over backwards."

"I meant literally."

"Oh, okay then. I wasn't sure at first what you... hey!"

"Gotcha." Buffy winked.

"You're so lucky you're good looking, great in bed, super strong and able to break the backs of evil demons everywhere."

"You say the sweetest things. Now drive. Its time we start planning."

"FINALLY!" Spike sounded off. "Lets get to the important stuff at hand like returning my manhood."

"No," Buffy corrected him. "I meant buying some milk and munching these bakery goods while watching my DVR recording of Desperate Housewives."

"Yay," Willow cheered as the car drove off.

"Bloody hell."

* * *

**Cleveland Metroparks Zoo 3**

**900 Wildlife Way **

**Tuesday, December 6, 2005 8:30 PM **

**Cleveland, Ohio**

"What an amazing Tuesday night this turned out to be," Buffy quoted before popping another Cool Ranch Dorito into her mouth, Seated on the stone steps inside the Polar Bears indoor home at the zoo when the weather gets too bad, she tried to keep her eyes away from the small bath tub a few feet to her left. The sight and stench going on over there weren't of the good. "Instead of staking a wandering vamp on the East side of town followed by some hot couch loving courtesy of my hubby I'm stuck here being a he/she vampire babysitter."

"Oh cry for me Argentina," Spike bitched from the tub. "I seem to be the one covered in bear pooh wearing this enchanted necklace! I seem to be the one who has to bathe in this filth for three hours! So forgive me if you have to give up a night of Gilmore Girls..."

"How do you know Gilmore Girls comes on Tuesdays?"

"I... See... My channel guide... That doesn't matter!" the he/she bitched once more, seated in a small white tub filled with bear waste. Part one of the three-step plan to remove his curse was as humiliating and nauseous an experience as he had ever dealt with before.

At least it wasn't so cold that the polar bears were indoors. With the animals outside and Willow's illusion/mind altering spell keeping zoo keepers and security off their backs slipping into the zoo was a piece of cake. For Spike though, his misery was only beginning.

Swearing under his breath very time he glanced at the three hour time-gem he wore around his neck, Spike wanted to kill or maim something. Anything! But he just couldn't. He was a petite woman with nice breasts who was really a man with a decently chiseled physique, albeit a vampire in both instances. As if his utter embarrassment wasn't complete the love of his afterlife, newly moved on to holy matrimony had to bare witness to every second of his shame. "Care to share some of those chips, luv?"

With a plastic bag full of assorted chips from hot to salt and sour to cheesy, Buffy appeared unwilling to share as her eyes widened in surprise. "I, uhm... You're covered in poo."

Her retort didn't phase him. "That doesn't mean I'm not snack hungry."

"Your blood's right there by the edge of the tub. Have a sip."

"I've got a wicked taste for hot and spicy corn chips."

Despite their adverse affect on ones breath they were the Slayer's favorite. She calmly shifted the plastic bag out of his view and went back to munching while turning the page on the book she read. "Spike, I am here out of the kindness of my kind heart and that if I don't help you no one else will. The sharing of my snacks are not part of the 'Help Spike Get His Dick Back' plan."

"You were so hot just now when you said dick."

Buffy frowned upon glaring at him. "You are covered in bear crap, Spike. Please do not attempt any flirty talk. If these chips weren't so delicious I wouldn't even be able to look at you. As it stands their tastiness is making this bearable, pun intended," she smiled at the end.

All Spike could do was bitch and moan, so he did. Only in a woman's voice. "I'm bloody shocked the whelp isn't here with you videotaping my torture."

Finishing off a bag of salt and sour potato chips, Buffy explained, "The hubby has instructed me to take numerous camera phone pictures to mark the moment while he's out with Dawn and Wills at the Galaxies Sex Emporium store buying the..." she giggled as she couldn't even get the words out. "Well, lets not discuss it. One humiliating thing at a time."

Doing his very best to ignore the smell, never mind what's covering his body Spike could only shake his head at how things came to this. He just wanted some nice virgin blood, maybe a card game and some hot Slayer loving. Hell, he'd settle for two out of three. Anything but this. "Are you absolutely sure Leora said the three things I have to do to break the curse have to be exactly the way she detailed?"

"Yep," Buffy replied while downing half her Coke. "I even went back to Leora's store this afternoon and talked to her some more. I also bought this cool night light globe thingie. It only lights up when I touch up. Willow and Dawn touched it and nothing happened, but when I did it was all 'let there be light' and stuff. I think it only responds to blonds."

"Might I remind you, luv. You're not a natural blond."

"Ms. Clairol is not listening to a damn word you have to say Mr. He/She. How I came about my lovely blond hair, be it genetics or products sold at at a reasonable price at Walgreen's doesn't matter. My new night light only works for me. Its special because blonds are special, dammit."

"I'm... I'm a blond."

"No, you're a he/she."

"I AM NOT A HE/SHE! I AM A MAN!"

"Men have penis's. You have a vagina. Deal!"

"Yelling at me doesn't make me feel better."

"I am not here to make you feel better," Buffy reminded him while tearing into a bag or fiery Cheeto's. "I am here to make sure you don't get into any trouble while you bathe in the crap. That's my job. And while I am doing my job I will partake of the munchies and read my new book entitled "Kicking Life's Ass and Looking Good While Doing It.' I'm on a self-help kick."

"Oh for crying out loud, Slayer. You're a mystical deadly weapon destined to wage war against the forces of darkness forged in the same darkness your powers come from. You're a warrior! Warriors don't read self-help books!"

"What about Dr. Phil? I considered watching his show once. Oprah co-signs him, you know."

"Bloody hell! You've gone and lost your flipping mind.""

"And you're a female vampire in a bath tub covered in bear shit! Don't you dare lecture me on being a warrior," Buffy shouted at him. "You even made me curse and I rarely ever do."

"You're so caught up in playing little Miss Domestic Harris you've forgotten your true self," Spike taunted her from the tub. The target of his ire shrugged as if he didn't matter at all. "You've gotten soft."

"No, I just grew up, Spike." Setting her snacks aside, Buffy rose to he feet and walked towards the he/she. "At some point and time people grow, mature and change. Nothing stays the same. I'm still the bad ass, God Killing, Master stomping, First beheading Slayer I've always been. If the world really and truly needs saving I'm a cell phone call away and Giles is in my Five. But I was the Slayer before I could drive a car until I was twenty four years old. I earned some time to find a life for myself and pursue some of my goals. I also had to deal with my mothers death, get over my depression, reconnect with my friends, accept my role in rebuilding the Watchers Council and decide what it was that makes me happy in life. I am a better person now and I treat people good. If you treated women with respect and class you wouldn't be in a bathtub covered in crap. So the next time you go on and on about my self-help book you just remember... okay, I lost my train of thought but you better remember something poignant and meaningful about this conversation."

"You're nuts, Buffy."

"No, I'm Mrs. Harris. And you're a he/she. Now soak in that crap and hush your freaking mouth." When Spike called her something under his breath, something that sounded like 'itch' she was ready to throw a boulder at him until her cell phone rang. The Spiderman movie theme song ring tone signaled her hubby. "You better not be coming home with a bag of stuff that I have to put on, be tied up with, or eat off your chest. The latter would be okay if its called Ben and Jerry's, but still."

"Honey, I need you to do me a favor," Xander whispered into the phone in a muffled tone.

Buffy's Slayer-sense suddenly flared. "What's wrong? Is the place being held up? Vampires near by? Demons? Pick pockets? You need something killed? I rock at killing things!"

"No," Xander whispered again. "Your sister is talking loud and pointing to things and asking me questions. She doesn't understand male porn store etiquette. Its weirding me out."

He weirds her out sometimes, though she loves him dearly. "Dawn doesn't frequent low end smut shops very often."

"Hardy har har and please call her and inform her that she needs to keep her head down and act as if she is ashamed to be here and not talk to me or anyone else as the male porn store etiquette mandates."

Buffy snorted. "Done. Now hurry up and bring me home some KFC."

"Mmm... Blazing Buffalo wings. Later."

After Xander hung up Buffy pressed "2" on her saved cell phone list.

"Buff, this place is so freaky, oh my God. There are some toys here you could stake a vampire with," Dawn chuckled into her cell phone.

"Sister dear, please refrain from talking loud or to anyone or even walking with your head up as my dear sweet Xander feels you are unaware of male porn store etiquette."

"What?"

"You have to act as if you're ashamed to be there and not talk to anyone until you purchase your items. Haven't you noticed no one around you is talking?"

"Well... no."

"Have you wondered why when you ask Xander something he just looks at you and says nothing in return?"

"Hmmm... that explains allot."

"Have you noticed that everyone is walking with their head down." There was silence for a moment and then Dawn replied...

"Now that you mention it."

"Shut it, sis. Get the 'man' and get out of there before Xander loses his mind."

"Now I have to mess with him on purpose."

"Okay. Just make sure he doesn't forget my KFC on the way home."

"Gotcha. Bye."

Buffy shut her cell phone and then went back to reading her book. By her estimation in another hour Step-1 in countering Spike's curse would be finished and tomorrow would bring about Step-2. "You okay, Spike."

"Sod off!"

"I'll take that as a yes."

* * *

**McDonalds restaurant **

**11580 Euclid Ave **

**Tuesday, December 6, 2005 10:15 PM **

**Cleveland, Ohio**

"I thought I requested KFC?" Buffy noted after their orders arrived at the counter. Xander scooped up the tray.

"KFC got held up tonight. Squad cars were everywhere when I arrived. Would you have wanted me to ask the cops to allow the terrified workers back in the restaurant so that you could still have your Chicken Strips after a hostage situation?"

"Were they hurt? Were fingers shot off? Was anyone blinded in the attack?" Buffy questioned. "One time I was on my break at the Double Meat Palace and I dealt with six headless zombies and a elderly Zifo demon on a walking cane. I was still able to flip burgers and fry fries afterwards. How hard is it to get back in there and cook up more chicken?" the Slayer pouted while setting their tray down.

Pulling Buffy's chair for her as they sat at a small table near the kids playroom, Xander shook his head at her cute audacity. "You have a one track mind, honey. And most fast food workers aren't nearly as tough or good looking as you are."

"Well... that is true." Grinning brightly, Buffy tore open her honey mustard pack and began dipping Chicken McNuggets. "Do you realize that now the Chicken McNugget is 100 white meat?"

"So what was it for the last two decades?" Biting into his Double Quarter-Pounder, Xander observed the curiosity fall over his wife's face.

"I choose not to think about that at this time."

"Wise choice." Humming from the delicious taste of food after hours of hunger and the strangest trip he'd ever undertaken to a porn store, Xander sighed happily as he was with his girl again and she seemed pleased despite the simplicity of dinner. "So how was our favorite He/She tonight?"

"As far away from Zestfully Clean as you could possibly imagine." The Triple Thick Milkshake was Buffy's next target. She was in such a snack-hungry state lately. Good thing her Slayer-metabolism sped everything up that happened to her body. Everything... "Spike griped and moaned about being in a tub of crap while I tried to give him the benefit of my newfound wisdom and Yoda-like advice."

"Can I safely assume he continued blaming everyone but himself for his predicament while whining about the unfairness of it all?"

"That would be correct. Alas, my infinite patience won out in the end. And in a few days he'll be on a plane back to merry ole England. Penis or not he'll be out of our hair."

"Come'on, you hot Slater you," Xander half-flirted while holding his sandwich, waving it a bit. "Show me those crap-covered Spike pictures."

Removing her T-Mobile cell phone from her purse, Buffy pulled up the pics of Spike yelling at the camera, pointing at her, trying to cover up his face, spitting out something unmentionable that flew into his mouth, and then seemingly crying. "That's the one when he started crying."

"I shall cherish that picture for all time. This is truly the best week of my life."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "You're weird."

"Hey, you married me."

"For the money," Buffy sing-songed with a cute head shake. "Well, partially for the money. I stayed for the extremely good hot loving and foot massages."

"Its nice to know a guy is appreciated," he smiled just before she stole some of his fries. She was playful that way... so full of life now and that he was a part of it made his life complete. "Guess what?"

"No."

"Hey! Why not?"

Buffy shrugged. "I hate guessing what."

"For once can't you just do what I say?"

"If I did that we'd be having a threesome with Faith."

"I... I only suggested that once," Xander quickly pointed out. "And I was kidding."

"Yeah, riiiiight," Buffy teased in his face with pointing a Chicken McNugget at him. "Okay, what?"

Puffing his chest out a bit, Xander told her, "I staked a vamp behind the porn store." Her eyes widened with no small amount of pride, interest, and a bit of envy. "He was hovering in some bushes waiting for some poor, unsuspecting porn buyer to wander out. My vampdar started tingling and I was able to identify and eliminate the threat."

Buffy thought it over or a moment. "Translation, you saw him trying to bite someone and rammed into him thus knocking him to the ground, and then while you held him down Dawn staked him, right?

Dammit, she was good. "Neither your luminous smile nor your inaccurate though I won't deny it account of the event are..." Buffy just looked at him. "Okay, yeah that's what happened. But I was still part of the Slaying. I shoulder-rammed him good. Ducked two of his punches and nailed him with a right cross of my own. I knocked a fang loose."

"You're so hot when you Slay."

"That's my line," Xander winked at his wife. "And I would have loved to hear that years ago."

"But years ago I wasn't going to take you home and bone you good like I'm going to do tonight." Her words turned him on instantly, which was the whole reason she said it. Rising from her chair she allowed the hubby to do away with their trash and then hold the door open for her as they exited the restaurant.

"Uhm, Buff..." Hoping to stall her before she reached the car, he was unable to halt her progress from climbing into the drivers side. Quickly, he thought over how good it was that the breaks worked properly and that they had drivers side and passenger side airbags.

Climbing in beside her, Xander calmly slipped on his seatbelt and hoped for the best. "Nice, easy drive home," he half-hoped/half-joked.

"I'm gonna take the long route past that porn store just in case there are any more blood suckers in the neighborhood."

"Trust me, honey, On that side of town whatever's getting sucked in the number one position isn't blood. I felt so dirty going to that store."

"And the other ten occasions you've been there?"

"Dirty each and every time." Xander calmed his heart while Buffy pulled onto the street and even stopped at the first Stop Sign she came too. Her driving skills have made such great strides since Sunnydale, though they still left much to be desired. "Honey, I thought I saw you come out of Leora's with a bag when you went back in to confirm Spike's 3-Step plan?"

"Yep. I bought this cool night-light globe thingie that only lights up when I touch it. Willow and Dawn couldn't make it light up at all. I think it only responds to blonds."

"Buff, uhm, you aren't a real blo..." her Death-Glare halted that statement but good. "Sounds like a cool night-light."

"Oh balls!" Buffy griped upon missing her turn. "No big. It's U-Turn time."

Groaning under his breath, Xander shut his eyes and hoped no cops were in the vicinity. The car roared into a wide turn while he held onto the arm rest, praying they didn't crash. "Honey, lets not do that to often."

"Gotcha." Nearing the porn stores district, Buffy asked, "So how did the 'man' buying go?"

"Thankfully after your call to Dawn and her subsequent laughing and louder talking just to mess with me," he explained to an amused Slayer, "We found the perfect 'man'. The guy behind the counter looked like he wanted to ask us why we were buying such a sturdy male sex doll, but seemed to decline when my manliness intimidated him."

Buffy snorted, "He thought Dawn was hot, didn't he?"

"I will neither confirm nor deny that statement, though my nod may give you a hint."

Buffy noted to Xander she just used her turn signal to turn with a polite nod... then calmly ran a Stop Sign while making no mention of it. "So how much did the fake guy cost?"

"Three hundred and fifty bucks, plus ten more for the motorized pump," Xander replied. "In a strange twist of quirks Dawn found it as fascinating as it was gross. Still, our favorite Key agreed to let the deed take place at her apartment."

"Good. I don't want the memory of such a foul act stinking up our place. At least until we get the new mucho-grandee Harris home complete with all the super trimmings."

The sound of future rich glee erupted from Xander. It was a joyous noise. "Sometimes in the midst of my enjoying Spike's trauma I forget that in a few short months we will be filthy rich and able to afford all sorts of overpriced name brand items we don't actually need."

"Speak for yourself, honey. I need diamonds, a Porsche, and to not have to work if I don't want too. A platinum stake wouldn't be so bad either. Maybe one with my name on it and like a cool pirate drawing. Yeah, that would be of the good."

Circling the porn store area twice and through the alley behind it they surmised the undead had either moved on or the baddie that was staked tonight was all by his lonesome.

"Time to go home, fake sex boy buyer," Buffy chimed in as they headed for home. Hitting the gas she wondered why their was a speed limit at all. "I'll play you in Monopoly for the house chores this week."

"You always distract me by playing in your sexy panties and talking sexy and tossing your sexy hair back."

"Its not my fault you are easily distracted by the awesomeness that is I. And to be honest who wouldn't be," she verbally patted herself on the back all the while knowing she'll let him win the chores she doesn't mind doing while all things to do with trash and laundry will fall to him. She's a good wife that way.

**15 minutes later the Dynamic Duo's parking in front of their apartment building**.

"Id say a night of babysitting a crap-covered he/she vampire and buying an overpriced well-endowed artificial male lover constitute an evening worth forgetting as soon as possible," Xander offered to a mildly chilly night sky while leaning against their car. Buffy strolled around next to him and looped her arm into his, snuggling close.

"Yeah, those Spike images won't help anyone sleep at night." Buffy sighed. "I wanted to stake a vamp tonight."

"I know, honey. I could tell by the way you were looking for one when we went through the alley that third time."

"Its like I get antsy if I don't pop one every thirty days or so. I chalk it all up to residual Sunnydale weirdness." A loving kiss was pressed to her temple in support. "Maybe I'll run into a bloodsucker tomorrow."

"Maybe so, sweetie." Xander grabbed his wife's hand, leading her into the building. "So after this chore-deciding Monopoly game..."

"Oh yeah, you're getting laid."

"That's my girl."

Buffy cheesed.

* * *

**Dark Blue 2004 Grand Cherokee **

**Jared Kohl's rental car Parked outside of Buffy and Xander's apartment building **

**Tuesday, December 6, 2005 10:15 PM **

**Cleveland, Ohio**

Having spent the last couple of hours tailing Alexander Harris and a couple of his friends to an adult store of some sort, Jared lucked upon his target meeting up with his wife for a little late night dinner. It was yet another chance for him to spy on them from afar and gauge if they shared a real relationship or one that was a means to an end.

The end being Alexander's massive inheritance.

Seated behind the wheel of his SUV parked in the darkened shade of a tree, he considered that while they seemed to indulge in rather deviant sexual interests judging by Alexander's purchase of a male sex doll this evening; information courtesy of tipping the guy at the counter, all seemed to be in order otherwise. While Mrs. Harris could use some driving lessons as she drove far too fast, rarely used turn signals and considered Stop Sign's as having no value more often then not she seemed normal otherwise.

Okay, the male sex toy was still weirding him out a bit. Add into that the day he tailed Alexander and his friend Willow Rosenberg for six miles and noticed that they didn't get caught by one single red light the whole trip was mighty peculiar. And then there was the time he swore he saw Buffy Harris dead lift a kitchen table up a flight of stairs, though he was sure his eyes were playing tricks on him.

Still, Jared felt he had witnessed enough sincere affection, kissing, and that sweet chemistry two people in love give off to know that this couple wasn't faking their marriage. All in all this was more than he hoped for. Not only was he being paid very well for this easy assignment, but the less time he had to spend watching the Harris's the more time he was going to have with Faith. And if in the next couple of months they are still going strong he's already considering relocating to Ohio.

She's that incredible of a woman.

"Time to call it a night," he muttered under his breath. satisfied he'd seen enough of the Harris's to know they were the real deal. Whatever the heck they did with their male sex doll was their business. That was information he wanted no part of at all.

* * *

**Heights Garden Apartments **

**1375 Cleveland Hts. Blvd. #109 Apartment 3356 **

**Wednesday, December 7, 2005 8:30 PM **

**Cleveland Hts, Ohio**

Pacing back and forth in front of the bed in her apartment's spare guest room, Dawn curiously tapped her chin, mindful of the two people standing just over her shoulder. The bed itself was occupied, though not by the living. Then again, in a few moments that would still be true when 'John Doe' as she decided to name the male sex doll had company. "This scene has a certain train wreck-like quality to it. On one hand its icky to the tenth power and all together wrong and sick. Yet on the other hand its so strangely alluring you can't turn away. I'm drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Or like Michael Jackson to a kids playground."

"I've seen some weird shit in my day," Faith quoted upon entering the bedroom, hands in her jeans pockets while looking over the male sex toy. "In prison I saw plenty of crazy stuff like people getting shanked for a carton of smokes, but no one was banging a plastic Ken doll." She walked over to the bed and ran her fingers over the male toy's thigh. "This must be a top of the line sexy-boy. That skins pretty soft."

"Isn't it though," Dawn nodded while grazing her fingers over the toy mans bare chest. "That's real hair on his head and around his you know what."

Spike said not a word, head bowed, standing at the entrance to the bedroom as if he were about to face execution. In fact, he'd prefer that to what he was facing tonight.

Halting at the foot of the bed beside Dawn, Faith appraised the man-toy's deflated lower regions. "Uhm, isn't he supposed to come with some wood already?"

"Oh, I forgot." Reaching inside her pocket, Dawn produced a small calculator-sized remote control. "I already put in the four AA batteries."

"Where did they go?"

"You don't want to know."

"Gotcha."

Dawn held out the remote and pressed the middle button. "I think this will..." Suddenly a low humming sound filtered from the man-toy's genital area as its rubber penis began to slowly expand to a full erect eight inches with a glow in the dark tip.

"Woah!" Faith and Dawn uttered at the same time, their heads turning sideways, mildly impressed by the man-toy's... ahem, stature.

Faith laughed so hard when Spike's arm extended in from of her holding a stake.

"Just kill me already!"

"You're not getting off that easy, Spike. No pun intended," Dawn teased while removing the stake from the he/she's hand. "Look, I know this sucks on an epic scale of suckage, but you viciously broke two women's hearts who turned out to be sisters and gypsies. Now while I'm sure you would rather run through hell with gasoline soaked boxers on then ride the plastic jolly horse, you brought this on yourself. So hop on up and do your business and then we can call it a night. Lost is gonna be on in a few minutes and I don't miss my Sawyer for nobody."

Shutting his eyes to this cruel, cruel world, Spike's life flashed before his eyes.

Once he was the Big Bad.

The Slayer Killer!

Buffy's lover!

A poet!

A kitten Poker champion!

A Passion's soap opera expert.

A powerful and feared vampire known for being merciless!

He even saved the world once by giving up his life all Jesus-like and even survived a fight with a dragon in a alley.

But fast forward to the present and my how the mighty have fallen. Spike was trapped inside a petite womans body, stripped of all his dignity and pride, forced to hear Buffy giving herself to the whelp over and over and over again, being all happy and crap. She even married the village idiot for Christs sake. And here he was, days away from being a girl for the rest of his unlife, soon to be her unlife if he couldn't pull this off.

Spike wanted to die.

Problem was he's already dead. Or she's already dead. Whatever he is now, he's still dead. And now he has to have sex with a male sex toy and force himself/herself to orgasm at least one time in order to complete the second of his three trials in order to regain his manhood.

All of a sudden those gasoline soaked boxers in hell didn't sound so bad. He's seen hell before. Been there a time or two. It wasn't worse than the idea of mounting a battery operated rubber man!

"All aboard!" Faith made a train horn sound, yanking her arm down as if she were to driver. Spike's dreadful glare amused her to no end. "You reap what you sow, dickhead. You play with girls minds and then expect in all the years of your long life that not one of them will ever get you back. You'd have to be fucking nuts to think that. And believe me I still think you got off easy. Because if you did that shit to me I would get a pair of pliers and...

Dawn and Spike blanched pale-white as Faith detailed what she would do to any man that cheated on her with hand gestures and scary descriptions.

"... then I would wrap steel-mesh wire around his..."

Dawn slowly shook her head in a 'no' pose, shutting her eyes as the mental images flooded her brain. Spike dry heaved hard.

"... by then he'd be ready for the baseball bat up the..."

"Okay, Faith!" Dawn half-pleaded. "Please stop. I want to eat dinner later on."

"Alright, D. I'll spare your weak stomach. But you get the picture." Faith stood in front of he/she Spike, her hands now resting on the vampires shoulders. "Look, you gotta ride that rubber battery-operated dick until you get a happy or you will never see Mr. Happy again. I can't make this more simpler for you than that. Now I know you're still freaking out over being a woman and all. But you gotta suck it up and go get your manhood back. Now get up on that bed, ride that man-toy and think of whatever you think of when you're wacking off until you get off. Then you'll be one step away from being a guy again."

"YOU ACT LIKE THIS IS BLOODY EASY!"

"Spike, quit bitching and ride that damn thing," Faith shouted as her anger rose, pointing at the outstretched male sex toy. "You're in this predicament because of the shit you pulled. You messed with a girls heart and you should know how crazy us bitches are these days. You got turned into a woman and you're being forced to go through these trials to humiliate and humble you. But if it was me I would of took a rusty pipe wrench and..."

"That's enough, Faith. Jesus, no more watching Cops or playing Halo for you. You're too violent." Dawn walked over to Spike, whom she still favored with no small amount of affection despite his history with her sister and the group. "If you don't do this you will remain a girl forever. You were born a guy. You were turned into a male vampire. You've been a male vampire for a couple of hundred years. You like women..."

"And robots," Faith laughed. "Don't forget he banged that Transformer Buffy a couple of years ago." Shaking her head she added, "Spike, you suck. And I mean royally suck."

"Oh shut up," he/she Spike groaned before shrugging off the robe Dawn loaned her, revealing her naked form. Faith and Dawn stepped back towards the door while she stared agonizingly at the bed. "Can a vampire get a little privacy here?"

Dawn cutely patted the he/she's shoulder. "Sure Spike. Just don't forget to put that emerald necklace on before you start. When you... you know what it will glow and that will tell you that you've completed the trial." Turning to leave the room, the former Key found Faith snapping pictures with her camera phone. "Faith, please?"

"X-man's paying good money for these. Plus I'm a sucker for the strange and odd and it don't get no stranger or more odd than this."

After a bit of arguing and a threat of revealing that Faith sings Prince's Little Red Corvette song while she drives, Dawn was able to get the Slayer to leave Spike alone.

Summoning up all his courage while crying as he mounted the plastic love doll, Spike went about completing the trial... and it was very ewwww worthy.

* * *

**1330 Cherry Lane **

**Brownstone Apartment Complex **

**Jared Kohl's apartment **

**Thursday, December 8, 2005 7:30 PM **

**Cleveland, Ohio**

"So, you're into dick again these days?" Faith fired out of the blue at Willow through the cell phone braced against the shell of her ear. She was parked out front of the apartment building Jared lived in for the last thirty minutes. "Or is it kinda sorta a bilingual thing?"

While manipulating her vacuum cleaner across her living room floor via magic, Willow couldn't help but to be a bit amused by Faith's offhanded question. Subtle was certainly not her middle name. "Being bilingual has nothing to do with being on speaking terms with the penis again, but yes. I have after a period of me time re-evaluated my Gay Now stance and have refined my interest into the 'Be A Good Person And I'll Give You A Shot' category."

"Yeah, cool. Dick does a body good."

"I thought that was milk?"

"Doesn't matter. I like'em both." Having debated for the last half hour over who to call about her problem, she figured Wills was a good choice for more than one reason. And unlike Dawn she at least had a guy in her life. "So how are you and the wolfman doing?"

Was this Faith attempting to make girl talk? That peeked Willow's curiosity. "We're dating and taking things very slow and easy. So far so good."

Faith nodded, tapping her fingers impatiently against the steering wheel of her car. Jesus, she hated feeling out of her element like she felt right now. She was so much better at busting heads and cracking skulls. "So you're sure dating him is what you want to do and all that? Why not just bang him and keep it casual?"

When, if ever did Faith ask about her love life? Willow considered maybe this was her way of feeling her out over something she needed to discuss. "Oz and I are good friends again and we have history, so we've been casual for a while now. But we like each other enough to be dating exclusively and see what happens. Goddess knows I'm not hearing wedding bells or anything, but we're going someplace. I hope its nice when we get there. Colorful with flowery type shapes and such."

"That's damn spacey, Wills."

"Faith, is everything alright? I'm sensing a bit of weirdness coming from you. More than usual. Thankfully, non-violent weirdness."

And there it was. A segue way from a real friend to talk about something personal. Faith knew that was what normal people did. Especially women. If you had a girlfriend you talked to them and shared with them your worries and problems. Trouble was, she was still getting used to having friends. And if that was an ongoing learning experience then what she wanted to talk about might as well been learning to fly like Superman. "I suck at this."

Willow sensed this was important territory for Faith. "At what?"

"At this... this talking crap. I don't know where to start and I know I need to talk to someone before I lose my mind and choke someone."

"Banish the violence, Faith. Say it with me now. Do it slow. Banish... the... violence."

"I didn't mean it quite the way it came out," Faith noted behind a chuckle. Her eyes darted to the third floor of the apartment building, specifically to Jared's unit. He was cooking her dinner tonight and was no doubt pissed she was late. "I got a issue."

"Just one? I must admit I was expecting several."

"Don't get trippy, witch."

"Okay, alright," Willow smiled into her phone. "I'm all seriousness and feminine wisdomness. My counsel is confidential and free. Shoot. I mean tell me what you want to talk about in the figurative sense and not firing a weapon in the literal sense."

Faith knew she needed a beer. "You are so damn wordy."

"Its a gift."

Knowing that she had better speed things up before Jared called the whole evening off, Faith jumped right in feet first. "I like Jared allot and I know its only been a month, but he gets me, you know. I just don't want to screw it up. I want to know how to act and what to do with a guy who isn't full of shit or just out to get some. I mean, he seems like a cool guy. I want things to keep going with us. And I haven't felt that way about a guy in a damn long time. Like ever, really."

While thoroughly surprised to hear Faith talk this way, Willow felt honored that the Slayer came to her for this talk. It was as much a sign of how things had truly changed in her life as it was wonderful to see Faith slowly opening her heart to someone. "Taking things slow means taking things slow. No one is making big, huge declarations or promising forever. You date and talk and share and maybe sleep together and in time it kinda hits you over the head what to do."

"But this is me we're talking about here." Frustrated, her fist hit at the steering wheel of her 2005 Mustang, nearly crushing it. "I'm ex-con Faith who's a cold blooded killer and a Slayer of vampires. I run game on guys like guys run game on chicks. I feel'em, fuck'em, and forget'em."

"You paid your dues to society and you're a great Slayer who helped save the world. Look around you, Faith."

"All I see are an old couple walking slow as hell across the street and a stray cat looking for dinner in a trash can."

"I meant look around at your vastly imperfect friends who all have a history of badness, regret, and heartbreak. Yours truly, especially. Don't forget Buffy turned her first lover into a mass murderer, although that was accidental. Dawn's not even real and yet we love her as if she was. Xander's history with women include an insect girl, a mummy, a reformed revenge demon and that multi-armed girl he met in Africa that he doesn't ever want to talk about. I'm dating a werewolf for Goddess's sake and I'm a witch who strayed on the Dark side once and almost destroyed the world. You know none of us are perfect, but we all get up each and every day and try to be better people. I think you need to leave the past behind you and accept that you met a nice guy who has your interest."

"He's so good in bed, you know. His tongue is like a freaking..."

"Too much information!" Willow halted that sentence. "You're fine, Faith. You don't need me to tell you anything. You just need to trust yourself and then when you're ready introduce him to all of your friends. We're all dying to meet Jared. He's gotta be one heck of a guy to have you acting like this."

Jared certainly was in her eyes. "He's cooking dinner for me, Wills. Can you believe that? No guy has ever done more than reheated pizza in a microwave for me and here he is doing the whole pot and stove bit."

"You deserve to be romanced."

"Romanced?" the Slayer snorted as it was unbelievable. "I don't even know what the word means."

"Then get off the cell phone and go see for yourself. You're so worth it, Faith. You deserve to be happy and fall in love and have someone in your life. The past is over with. None of us can change it. But you have to live in the now. Go enjoy yourself and take things at your own pace."

It was the best advice she had ever received because at the heart of it, it was sincere. And though she knew Buffy would have given her the same, their competitive nature removed asking the blond Slayer about this. At least right now. For the moment Faith enjoyed the simple knowledge that she had friends she could count on. Friends that loved her.

She finally had family.

"Alright, witch. The Hallmark moment is over. I'm gonna blaze and get dinner and laid."

Message received. Willow grinned triumphantly. "Have a good night, Faith."

"You too. And uhm... thanks."

"Anytime."

Nodding to herself, Faith ended the call and bounded outta her car. It was high time to get on with living her life.

* * *

Faith was late.

Over thirty minutes late.

And she hadn't called one time.

Here he was, actually cooking dinner for a woman. Something he hadn't done in forever, and yet she seemed special enough for him to pull out his most romantic tricks to impress her. There was some elemental force drawing him to her like a moth to a flame as he was unable to resist. She was a bad-ass who could infuriate him and just as fast say something that gently revealed the real woman within.

Perhaps that was why when Jared opened the door prepared to lay into her good and she kissed him that very second he couldn't remember being angry or frustrated or anything at all. She was a force of nature that had quickly become a vital part of his life and he was powerless to halt her progress into his heart.

Hell, he wasn't even trying anymore. And it had only been a month.

Walking him backwards into his apartment, Faith heel-kicked the door behind her while deepening the kiss as she drank from his lips. Multitasking was her middle name, after all. "Look, I had some personal issues to work out. I'm complicated as hell, but I'm... I feel bad for flaking out and not calling you. You deserved better than that."

Holding her in his arms so close, Jared had already forgiven her because of the kiss. Getting to know her ways might take years. Thankfully, he wasn't in the least bit intimidated about the wait. The mystery of her was captivating. "Are you alright?"

He didn't pry, bitch her out or demand she come clean about why she was late. He seemed to pick up on her rhythm without her ever having to tell him anything. She was very thankful he seemed to get that she didn't like explaini8ng herself. "I'm good. Better now. Talked with a pal and..." Inhaling the aroma of delicious pasta in the air, she brushed past him towards the kitchen, effectively ending all talk about her late arrival.

Jared watched her follow the alluring scent, considering how hot she looked in her tight black jeans and that she seemed woefully unused to this dating thing. Then again, he only knew so much about her. She seemed leery of tilling him to much for a host of reasons and hadn't even introduced him to her friends yet.

Still, she possessed an inner pit bull-like attitude that complimented a softer woman beneath the steely surface. That woman he was falling for. "Does the lady approve?"

Standing over the simmering pot on the stove, Faith replied, "I'm not sure about the lady part, but this smells and looks great. You some kind of chef or something?"

"It's a symptom of only-child syndrome," he explained, smiling just over her shoulder. "I had two choices as a kid. I could sit around and wait for my parents to get home from work or I could cook for myself."

"Tell the truth?" she pondered playfully, now facing him with her arms crossed. "You burned down a house or two, didn't you?"

"Almost," he laughed. "And you?"

"A whole city and a Wall-Mart in Idaho a couple of years back." She held his stare as he waited for her to laugh, signaling the punchline. She greatly enjoyed how he seemed to enjoy trying to read her. "Its a long story."

Jared arched a curious brow. "Something tells me you have plenty of them."

"More than you could possibly imagine."

Another make-out session against the wall ensued before they pulled dinner together and left for the living room. A couple of beers and good conversation later they were relaxed and above the earlier troubles. What was brewing between them was simple chemistry turned up ten notches. They complimented each other, being free-spirits who came and went as they pleased. But as the caresses lingered and the kisses grew more passionate they both knew they were somehow falling in love.

This was the tough part for Faith.

Seated on the couch, nestled against Jared's side, she struggled in letting go and simply relaxing. Sex was easy and she was great at it, but the quiet times... the truly intimate times weren't anything she was used too. She secretly hoped she didn't make him feel unwanted in some way. "We're good, right?"

Leaning over, Jared pressed a sweet kiss to her lips, smiling. "We're damn good."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Are you?"

After taking a deep breath in preparation for this uncharted territory she was about to explore, Faith shifted from his half-embrace, sitting up straight to talk to him. "I'm not very good at this, so I'm just gonna blurt it out. I like you allot and I think its time you learned some things about me that might explain why I do what I do sometimes."

"Faith, I don't care about your prison time. Your past is your past. It doesn't define who you are now."

"Yeah, and if it was only that I wouldn't be worried."

"Okay, spill."

Jared wasn't one to beat around the bush. Neither was she. So Faith did what Faith always does. Gets straight to the point. "I've been with a good number of guys, slutty as that sounds."

"I'm no saint either." When her eyes grew big he amended with a grin, "I meant with girls."

"Oh, I knew that." A bit embarrassed she didn't right away, Faith hid it well. "Anyway, I've been with guys, but I haven't had many relationships." Here goes nothing. "To be perfectly honest I've only had one. It ended a year ago, but that's it."

This really bothered her, something he wouldn't normally expect. Taking her hand in his, Jared offered, "Its better to have fewer relationships than a ton of really bad ones. Was the one that ended any good?"

"Yeah, it was for a time. His name was Robin and we worked together... He was black, but race never meant crap to me. We were just going different places in our lives and I moved here."

"Doesn't sound like anything you should be ashamed of."

Having her hand held was new indeed. Faith accepted that it was high time she get used to how normal people lived. That didn't meant she had to or would ever conform. But at least understanding it, and maybe enjoying it a little wouldn't hurt. Letting her guard down wasn't ever going to be easy. "I guess my point is my lack of experience in relationships coupled with my absolute distrust of men makes me distant sometimes. I'm working on it, but I just want you to know where some of that comes from. It's nothing personal."

His beautiful and complicated Faith. Jared felt himself losing his heart to her more and more each day. She was like a fractured mirror of an amazing woman. Still amazing, but formed from many different sides. "We all have our issues, Faith. I'm nowhere near perfect and my past is far from rosy."

"It doesn't compare to mine."

Jared looked up. "How would you know that?"

She blinked, then pressed forward. "Trust me, the skeletons I got in my closet would make you run off screaming. And everything else that might jump out would chase after you and probably tear your head off."

"Would one of those skeletons be an explanation for how you lifted the side of your car with one hand without batting an eye lash when you parked on the curb accidentally?"

She'd hoped he hadn't saw that. The expression he wore didn't appear shocked in a terrified way as much as vastly curious. He gave off a natural sense of being trustworthy, but she wasn't ready just yet to divulge her Slayer abilities. "I'm a mystery, Jared. But if you're patient I'll reveal all my dirty little secrets. Then we'll see if you run or not."

Lifted her hand to his lips, he kissed it. She was an adventure he was looking forward to taking. "I won't run. I promise."

She wanted to hold him to it. She really did.

Sensing that this was as far as he was going to get tonight concerning her past and hidden elements of hr life, Jared saw the opportunity to expose a bit more of himself, at least professionally. "As you know I'm originally from California. I'm a private investigator on assignment here in Cleveland."

"Yeah, you told me all that."

Jared nodded. "Well, this assignment is pretty interesting and it has a six month shelf life. Want to hear about it?"

Diving back into the delicious pasta, Faith shrugged. "Go for it. Couples gotta talk over dinner, right?"

Did she know what she just said, acknowledging them as a couple? In times past women who made such assumptions so fast scared him off to some degree. But with her... "Okay, here's the deal." Reaching for a folder beneath a small stack on the inn table, he extended it to Faith. "I'm investigating these two."

Taking the folder from his hand, Faith's heart nearly stopped when she opened the folder to reveal numerous black and white photos of Buffy and Xander. Holding her Poker face in place, she feared this guy was looking into Slayer business or maybe even playing her to get to Buffy. What in the hell was he following them for? And if he wasn't playing her and didn't know she knew Buffy and Xander maybe she could figure out his plan. "What's the deal with them?"

"The guy's name is Alexander Harris. I am working for the law firm that represented his recently deceased grandfather."

Faith remembered Xander being out of town for business and the funeral. Still, she was leery. "Alright, keep going."

Laughing to himself, Jared began. "Faith, this is gonna sound like a bad plot for a romantic comedy movie, but here goes. Ron Styles, Alexander's grandfather passed away a millionaire. I mean this guy made friends in the old folks home and was secretly working the stock market for years without anyone knowing because his family was so distant from him. All except Alexander."

"Millionaire?" What the fuck? Faith tried to read Jared and couldn't pick up if this was all bull or not. She hoped her heart wasn't blinding her to the truth. "Wow. Talk about old money."

"Anyway, Ron was an old school romantic and a gentleman. Because Alexander actually took an interest in him he left his grandson his entire estate..."

"YOU'RE SHITTING ME!!!" Faith shouted all of a sudden before quickly reclaiming a sense of normalcy. Jared stared at her like she was nuts. "Don't mind me. People who inherit big money without having to work for it piss me off."

"Join the club," he replied. "But here's the kicker. Ron stated in his will that Alexander will only inherit the five million dollars..."

"Five...five..." Faith stuttered in pure shock, eyes wide open, mouth agape. "Five million?" Jared nodded. Somebody was getting their ass kicked and soon. Their last names were Harris!

"After he is happily married for a period of six months verified by an undercover private investigator working for the law firm holding the estate. I've been tailing Buffy and Alexander Harris ever since I arrived in town, watching them to make sure they have a real marriage and not a sham one to get the money."

"MOTHERFUCKER!" Faith shook her head, riled up and ready to pop. Those sons of bitches, she thought to herself. It couldn't be a scam now as she'd seen them together enough to know they were sickeningly happy, but at first maybe it was a ploy. They were lying to everyone and hiding the fact that in a few short months they were gonna be millionaires. The fuckers! "So when is the six months up?"

"March 16, 2006."

"And that's when Xan... uh, I mean Alexander gets all that dough? The full five mill?"

"Yep. Lock, stock, and barrel." Wow, Faith seemed damned amused and interested. She even started laughing out of the blue, a welcome albeit kinda strange reaction. "How crazy is that? Five million dollars for marrying a short chick."

"She is short, isn't she?" Faith grinned evilly. "What a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive."

Jared wasn't quite sure where that came from. "You don't know them, do you?"

In Faith's eyes it was time to do what men do oh so well and often. Lie. At least for now. "Nope, never seen'em before."

"Well that's why I'm in town."

"Wanna fuck?" Jared blinked twice real fast. Faith just licked her lips, ready to pounce. "I like you and you like me. You just made me a killer dinner and we knocked back a couple, talked about some real life stuff and had a laugh. I'm in a great mood so if you wanted to get laid extremely well you better hop on this train right now. But beware. Its a rough ride."

Jesus Christ she could turn him on. Jared swallowed hard. "Choo choo."

"That was kinda dorky, but you're sweet. Now get naked. I gotta blaze afterwards, but for the next hour or so you in for the time of your life"

* * *

**Buffy and Xander Harris's Apartment **

**321 Winchester Dr **

**Thursday, December 8, 2005 10:44 PM **

**Cleveland, Ohio**

"... god, so good," Xander moaned softly, the warmth of his breath ghosting moist over Buffy's throat as her thighs slid over his hips in a erotic rhythm as they made love on their living room couch. Watching television under the covers led to some flirtatious banter as the night progressed. That, as usual, led to kissing and caressing and then...

The heady litany of appreciative sighs and pleasurable groaning only amplified Buffy's thirst for her husband, braced beneath his heaving body, writhing passionately in time with his hard impacting thrusts. A mask of delicious lust fell over her beautiful face as she rocked her slim hips each time he sank to the hilt. Her heart beat a primal drum against her chest as the couch rocked accordingly. Mercy, she loved how they could go from laughing their asses off to talking seriously and finally screwing each other like mad for no reason at all.

The squeaky old couch stirred loudly over the carpet, conveying its occupants desperate need for each other.

"You feel so good inside me," Buffy whispered throatily, her nails dragging hot over the expanse of his muscular back underneath the covers. He told her he loved her three times in a row in response, his mouth feeding from her neck while the sensuous stimulation of his hard, smooth flesh gliding inside her forced little whining sounds of praise from her lips.

He felt so good in her arms, being loved by him, giving herself to him as he gave himself to her. It didn't matter how old the couch was, or that the plaid blanket had definitely seen better days, or even that the Food Network was playing on mute in the background. All that mattered was their love making and enjoying every second of it.

As scorching as her body felt flexing and drawing tight around him, the added heat of being under the covers left them sweating and panting as one. Buffy gasped in delight as they thrashed against the couch. fucking each other hard and fast, eyes shut tight, shaking and trembling in each others arms. She felt every ridge of his manhood brush sensation from inside her body throughout it, making her thighs quiver as he moved over her, pounding her deeply into the couch. She loved his aggression... his sheer, unending hunger for her alone.

She loved him absolutely.

And then the hot waves sped savagely through her belly, tingling her nerves, lifting her higher and higher the faster he took her until she finally cried out when her orgasm hit, clutching him tightly with her arms and legs. One long, drawn out, agonizingly pleasurable climax that quickly triggered her husband's. His hips delving low and deep, buried inside her very soul, losing himself inside her in thick satisfying bursts time and time again. His voice fell mute against her neck, sated, his body shaking uncontrollably above her.

Thankful she had finally mastered how to control her considerable strength when they made love so as not to hurt him. Buffy sighed happily, holding her husband while watching Rachel Ray make a grilled chicken and smoked sausage dish she thought looked quite tasty.

For a quiet, affectionate time they kissed softly, cuddled naked in each others arms, basking in the afterglow of some great late night sex before bed. Married life for them was rocking so far. They hoped it would always be this way.

Twenty minutes later after a shared shower and changing into their bedtime clothing, they were back in the living room. Xander shut off the TV while Buffy put away the blanket in the laundry basket. Suddenly, loud banging rattled their front door.

Surprised by having a visitor this late, Buffy watched Xander walk slowly towards the closet while she made her way to the door and peeked through the keyhole. "Faith?" The Slayer was standing in the hallway looking quite disturbed and shaky. Very un-Faithlike. She quickly swung open the door. "Faith, what's wrong? Are you alright? Is evil afoot?"

"I might be going out of my mind," Faith offered as her best explanation upon walking inside, hands in her jeans, appearing as nervous as they had ever seen her. "We'll see." Turning on her heel, she found Xander standing beside the couch with his wallet in one hand and a long sword in the other. Oh, and he was wearing G.I.Joe pajama pants. "What the hell?"

"Its like this," Xander began in defense of his comical state. "Anyone knocking on our door after 11:00 PM is either looking to borrow money or needs us to help kill something evil." Lifting his wallet and the sword, he added, "I like to be prepared."

"Riiiiight." Faith shook off the weirdness as Buffy rounded her to stand beside her husband. They were patient for her to detail the whys of her late night visit. She didn't disappoint. "Okay, guys its like this. I'm not sick or broke or in trouble or needing your help to kill anything evil."

Buffy and Xander exchanged a grateful expressions after hearing that. Faith knew she'd get rid of that right away. Stealing herself for the performance to come she approached them, took a long deep breath, and spoke in a softer, more careful tone of voice than she ever had before. "I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to lay it on the line and go for it. Somehow, someway I've fallen in love with both of you and I can't hold that inside me any longer." Startled blank stares was their first reply. Xander dropped his sword. "I think both of you are so cool as people and you've proven that I can trust you. We get along well and I just..."

Turning away from them, and neither have even blinked yet, Faith poured it on. She wrapped her arms around herself and spoke as if she were near tears. "I know this is coming out of left field but I just have to get this off my chest. Ever since we moved here I've been attracted to both of you, but I never said anything. I thought it would all go away after time passed, but its only grown stronger since you got married."

"Wha?" Xander was able to say and only that.

Faith took her time, playing the moment for all it was worth. "I don't know where these feelings came from or why they are so strong now, but I have to get this off my chest once and for all. I have to try and at least let you both know how I feel. I want both of you. And yes, that means you too. Buffy. And I think if we would just let go for one night you just might come around to the idea that we could be good for each other."

Upon slowly turning back around Faith saw Xander's panic-and-interested face as well as Buffy's absolute mute shock. "No one ever has to know. We could rock all night long and if you don't feel the same then I'll forget it ever happened. But I think we should go to your bedroom and get it on right now. So what do you say?"

"Are you on crack!" Buffy shouted, head titled sideways, pondering how in the hell did this happen under her nose. Why in the hell did people always fall in love with her without her permission! "Xander and I are married, Faith. Married! I have the last name and I will dismember anyone trying to interfere with that. So there will be no additional women added to that blessed union. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada! Like never!"

Xander knew not to say a damn word. Nope, do not say anything at all. Let Buffy handle this. He knew he'd say the wrong thing. Something sarcastic that might lead to Buffy using that dismember word in relation to him. In this particular situation he was sure only a train wreck of a statement would come flying out of his mouth. So he simply nodded in agreement with his wife.

"Buffy," Faith spoke softly, slipping her jacket off her shoulders, and then slowly undoing her belt. The Slayers eyes grew wide with shock. "We could be so good together if you just push that last little inhibition of yours aside and make love to me right now in front of Xander."

"Crack?" Buffy said again, arms crossed over her chest. "Are you smoking it?"

Xander again said nothing. The male mind, feeble and horny as it was, even though recently satisfied couldn't ignore the faint mental images of Buffy and Faith doing naked things together. Boy oh boy he knew not to say a word. It would just turn out bad. So he kept his trap shut and stood there.

"You think this is crazy, Buffy?"

"Yes," she replied, walking up to Faith. "This is insane!"

"Is it anymore insane than Xander needing to marry someone for six months in order to inherit a shit load of money?!" Busted. Their faces read busted! Totally Busted. Faith was back in control. She pointed at them in the way someone does when they know they have you dead to rights. "Yeah, I know all about your big money plot. You got married so that you could get the freaking payday of a lifetime. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not against that at all. Hell, I would have married Xan too. Shit, for five million I would have married you. And I don't dig short people. No offense."

Standing over Buffy's shoulder, Xander wrapped his arms around his wife and began laughing. "She knows and she just played us so good."

"You suck, Faith." Buffy tried not to laugh herself when Faith gave her the middle finger. "Okay, let us explain."

"Look, I already figured it out." Faith thought it over and came up with, "You guys got hitched for the cash, but then fell in love for real and now you're just enjoying all this..." Sniffing the air with her augmented senses, she found Buffy and Xander looking a bit embarrassed. "Marital banging all the time."

"How did you find out, Faith?" Xander asked. "Buffy and I have bent over backwards to keep this secret."

"NO BENT OVER BACKWARDS JOKES!"

"Okay, Buffy. Alright," Faith chuckled in their faces. "Here's the thing. It turns out my new boy toy is the private dick, pun intended, who was hired by the law firm looking after Xander's grandfather's estate."

Awed looks abound. This was interesting indeed.

Faith continued. "Jared doesn't know I know you guys and I think its better we keep things that way until you two get paid... and for my silence and help in this fraudulent scheming plot I want a hundred grand."

"You were gonna get two, but one sounds fine," Xander grinned evilly, extending his hand to shake on the deal.

Faith's mouth hung open. "You guys were really gonna give me two hundred grand?"

Buffy nodded. "That was the plan for the whole group. But if you'd prefer less mon..."

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!"

"We figured as much," Xander declared before pulling Faith into a hug. "I was told when the inheritance rules were explained to me that a private investigator would be watching and reporting every move me and my wife made until the day I received the inheritance. Now its not that we don't trust you, Dawn, Willow, Giles or even Oz. But we cannot," he took her face in his hands, "Will not," his eye brows rose. Both of them, "Risk anything messing up our chance to never have to work again."

"He's giving you his serious expression," Buffy playfully warned. "I'd nod if I were you."

Smirking in his face, Faith nodded for the hell of it and then pushed him away. "You secret is as safe as my two hundred grand is." Gliding over to Buffy, she glanced back at Xander while brushing her hand over the Slayers slender shoulders. "You know, a threesome isn't the worst idea in the world."

Xander felt both Slayers eyes watching him. He knew not to say a word. He knew not too. But sometimes the male mind just screws up and talks anyway. "Wouldn't a Friday be better for something like... I mean its the weekend and all and..." Death Glare Buffy stopped him and quick. "I love my wife, Faith. No threesomes for me. I'm anti-threesome. I'm more of a twosome guy, myself. To be perfectly honest in high school I was more a lonesome... Okay, that's entirely to much information."

"You think?" Faith shrugged, laughing. "I wouldn't do you two anyway. We're too close and all that. Besides. Like I said, I don't do short people."

Offended, Buffy stopped in front of her. "So what? I'm not doable because I'm short?"

"Fuck, plenty of people think you're doable. But half of them were vampires, so..."

"Now what is that supposed to mean?!"

"The undead like short women."

"I'll have you know I am height proportionate to my weight."

"Still not doable to me."

"Well at least I have a night lamp that only lights up when I touch it. So there!"

Xander rolled his eyes, considering the argument before him and how when once he couldn't get a girl to spit on him when he was on fire back in the day and now he had two gorgeous Slayers debating a threesome in one fashion or another with him. And with the knowledge that Spike made love to a plastic male sex doll and still had a final humiliation to endure he felt a jolt of something... something so sweet... so pure flow through him.

He felt genuinely, politically incorrectly, happy.

Oh, and he was also going to be filthy, stinking rich in a few months time.

Life was indeed good.

And tomorrow night it was going to be even better.

* * *

**Club 727 **

**A Lesbian karaoke bar **

**The front lobby **

**Friday, December 9, 2005 7:30 PM **

**Downtown Cleveland, Ohio**

Hands on her slim hips, Faith fired off the first shot as the Scoobies waited to go inside the bar. Xander stood ready for her worst, his arms crossed over his chest. When the challenge was thrown down she stepped up, never one for backing down on a fight. Prepared to once again wage war in this age old battle of wit, maturity, and pride she said...

"Yo mama is so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller."

Laughter abounded as the Scooby Gang had drawn a small crowd of lesbians out to enjoy a Friday night on the town. Xander rubbed his hands together, prepared for face his opponent without backing down a smidgen. "Yo mama is so fat she▓s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book."

Humorous chatter settled in around the group as Willow chatted with her cute blond friend at the front desk. Shrugging off his reply, Faith sent her next shot. "Yo mama is so fat, when she goes to KFC, she asks for the bucket on the roof."

Xander took it all in as the crowed chuckled away, clearly amused by this public battle. Dawn just had to point out that she likes KFC, to which Buffy nodded as well. Alas, he would not suffer defeat at the hands of a Slayer who toyed with his male emotions over a possible three-way. "Yo Mama is so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go."

Even vampire she-male Spike laughed at that one. Faith shook it off. "Yo Mama is so poor, she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway."

"Yo Mama is so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on."

"Yo Mama is so ugly, people go as her for Halloween."

"Yo mama is so ugly her reflection quit."

"Yo Mama is so stupid, I told her to buy a color TV, she came back and said "what color?"

"Yo Mama is so stupid, when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends."

"Yo Mama is so stupid, I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope. I asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail."

"Yo Mama is so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda."

"Yo Mama is so old she got hieroglyphics on her drivers license."

"Yo mama is so old that she sat behind Jesus in the third grade."

"Yo Mama is so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur."

Unfazed by the crowds boisterous reaction to Faith thus far, and she was a hot looking woman in a Lesbian bar no less, Xander delivered the joke that had won him no less than nine of these juvenile fights through the years. Even the great playground war of 1990. "Yo Mama is so damn hairy, she's a stunt double for Chewbacca."

Faith retaliated immediately. "Yo Mama is so stupid, if brains were gas she wouldn't have enough to power a flea-mobile around the inside of a Fruit Loop."

"DEMS FIGHTING WORDS!" Xander shouted until Buffy pulled at his sleeve, the women around him throughly amused. He pointed at Faith, who got hi-fives from the pro-vagina crowd. "You are so lucky I'm grown now! So very lucky."

"Oh hush," Faith teased, furthering the shame of his loss of pride by planting a silly smooch on his cheek. "Wills got our table and I need a drink. You lost. Suck it up and get moving." Glancing over her shoulder at Spike, she taunted, "Besides, our new gal-pal has a date with center stage and like Aerosmith I don't want to miss a thing."

Sneering as his utter humiliation was about to come to an end... hopefully, Spike followed her inside the brightly lit and very popular lesbian karaoke bar as its doors opened for the evening. Apparently to appease the curse that was specifically designed to humble, torture, and teach him a lesson about women to end his shameful lack of a penis he would have to sing... yes, sing to a crowd of women songs that uplifted, empowered, and showed great respect to women.

Only after a crowd of women were appeased to the point of rapturous applause would he return to his male form. It was stupid, ridiculous, and just plane odd. A fact Xander pointed out several times on the way over here. None the less he had no choice. It was bad enough he was in high heels. a tight black dress that showed ample cleavage, fishnet stockings, and had to endure getting his hair done today.

Yes, this was hell. And that was saying something for a guy who's actually been there. Hell certainly had more men than this place.

Meanwhile, listening to his wife yet again remind everyone how her special light only lights up when she touches it no matter how many other people do, Xander couldn't help but to look around the gorgeously decorated bar and think to himself that as much as he respected lesbians considering his best friend was/is one, each and every woman here wanted or had already had sex with another woman. They were normal people at the end of a work week looking for a good time like everyone else, but the horny male teenager that lived in every grown adult male simply awed at how all these women were looking to kiss, touch, caress, and make all forms of kinky and non-kinky love to other women. Sitting back with one arm around Buffy, he smiled.

Xander truly liked this place. It had a cool aura he felt was infectious and he didn't feel out of place as there were at least four other guys here tonight as well. Maybe those guys did or did not want what he wanted, but the lesbians sure did. And at the end of the night he intended to have sex with a woman too. And so he felt connected to the lesbians in a very good sort of way.

Spotting Xander's almost silly grin, Dawn nudged her sister. "What's Xander so happy about?"

"I'm sure its the fact that all the lesbian porn he watched through the years takes place for real and he's surrounded by it," Buffy replied.

"And Xan," Willow chimed in to her best friend. "Its much, much better than any of the porn you watched." She even had the nerve to wink.

"I shall take your word for it, oh bisexual witch goddess" Xander replied cheekily as their drinks arrived. The bar was packed tonight as the DJ had music playing already and the stage was being prepared for tonights karaoke singers. Willow performed a minor mind-altering spell on her friend at the front desk to ensure Spike would perform first and hopefully sing enough songs to elicit the reaction that would free him from his curse. Of course one small pill that resided in his wallet would end Spike's suffering, but the vampire had gotten off easy far to many times in his unlife.

He had this coming and Xander intended to enjoy every single minute of it.

"So I let my two neighbors, Jen and Belle, touch the light you know, just for kicks." Looking around their table, Buffy heard her friends groan and then delivered, "And nothing. Not even a flicker. But when I touch it BAM, let there be light. It was a very moving experience. Very God-like." Her friends eye-rolling didn't phase the Slayer as she sampled Xander's drink, then settled in beside him well aware everyone was sick and tired of hearing about her magic light. Well tough, she thought to herself. She sat next to a she-male vampire in a bathtub full of crap at the zoo for a couple of hours. If she put up with that then they could deal with her enthusiasm over her magic light. "I personally think its blond specific?"

"Damn B, if it was then why did it not light up when Spike touched it? He's at least a real blond," Faith pointed out with a drink in her hand.

"Don't make me stab you again!" Buffy warned while pointing a small drink umbrella. "I am a real blond and until verifiable and undeniable proof surfaces to counter that declaration of my blondness it is fact! Until then you will acknowledge me as such."

"Bitch, you are not a real blond! MS. CLAIROL DENIES YOU!" Faith taunted.

"That's it! Somebody hand me a knife!" Xander tickled her side, causing Buffy to giggle as the alcohol made everything funny. "You are so lucky I love my hubby and my magic light. I think both are making me less violent. I haven't beheaded anything since I got married."

"I hate all of you!" Spike chanted at the group who turned their attention to him, and secretly marveled how nice the he-she's hair was done. It had this gorgeous layer effect going that Willow has asked him questions about. Questions that made him want to bite her. "You ninnies are arguing over a stupid light and hair coloring while I am about to make a fool of myself singing these dreadful songs Willow and Xander picked out. Just this week alone I have sat in a bathtub of manure up to my neck and had to have sex with a fake plastic man." Everyone laughed at his expense. "Now I have evoke my inner Barbara Streisand and belt out jaunty tune after jaunty tune for these anti-penis blokes to retrieve my bloody manhood."

Dawn ordered another drink and then turned her attention to Spike, offering no compassion. "You broke the hearts of two women, Spike. You betrayed them and and made them feel like fools. They turned out to be sisters and cursed you because you treated them like garbage. You routinely treat women like crap that you date. Dru was nuts..."

"Nuts when I met her," Spike interjected. "Thanks to Angel."

Dawn shrugged. "Buffy was nuts."

"Hey!"

"Sorry sis, but you took a walk on the loony side when banging Ole Spike here." Buffy gave a regretful nod. Dawn continued, "Spike, you have no one to blame but yourself."

"Ms. Key speaks the truth," Faith declared while tossing her drink back. "Trust me, you got off easy. If you would have cheated on me I would take a box of rusty nails, a pink Crayon, and a bag of charcoal..."

As Faith detailed such wicked torture Xander dry heaved... Willow shook her head in a "... no" pose. Dawn downed her second drink almost instantly and then ordered another. Buffy nodded in agreement. Spike actually shuddered him/herself. Three women in the table next to them trembled and then moved to a new table.

"... and when I took the red hot nails off the stove I would yank your pants down, bend you over the couch, then grab the Crayon and..."

"Faith!" Xander lifted his hands, his eyes pleading for her to go no further. "Please, no more. I think we all get that if someone cheats on you we will be visiting you in jail."

"Damn right you would."

Enjoying the music and atmosphere, Willow felt relaxed and ready for a night on the town. "This is so cool. I have all my buds with me at my fav all girl night spot. I'm dating Oz and enjoying good penis action again and I'm saving money on my car insurance by switching to Geico and successfully performed a exorcism on a possessed stray cat behind my apartment building. This week is kicking so much booty in my life."

"Good for you, Wills." Buffy hi-fived her friend as the DJ called the bar's attention and announced the first singer, a Ms. Wilma Spikeford was set to hit the stage and get the show started. Xander Buffy, Willow, Dawn, and Faith cheered while watching Spike slowly walk from their table to the stage as if he were about to be executed.

With some thirty tables, all occupied spread out around the bar, Spike reached the stage and was shown the TV screen where he could read the lyrics for the songs Willow and Xander chose for him to sing. My how the mighty have fallen. Once upon a time he'd be looking out over this crowd and wondering who would be dinner tonight? Maybe the brunette or the slightly plump girl with the dark hair? She looked Greek and he hadn't eaten Greek in a long time.

But no, he stood in a freaking boob-exposing black dress with uncomfortable stockings and high heels as far less than the kick ass Big Bad he once was. Now relegated to a male stuck in a females body, he had to perform like somebody who performs for these women. He not only had to sing, but win them over in order to get his penis back.

He's rather go another round with the First.

"Hi, I'm Wilma." The crowd, ever in a good Friday night mood greeted him with supportive applause. He wanted to die... again. "My first song this evening is by Whitney Houston. I believe she is the current crack head who was once a somebody here in the States. Anyway, the song is called 'I am every woman'." Clearing his/her throat, the music began playing as he read what he felt were the dreadful lyrics and began to croon.

"Whatever you want Whatever you need Anything you want done baby Ill do it naturally Cause I'm every woman Its all in me Its all in me

(chorus 1): Im every woman Its all in me Anything you want done baby I do it naturally

(chorus 2): Im every woman Its all in me I can read your thoughts right now Every one from a to z

I can cast a spell Of secrets you can tell Mix a special brew Put fire inside of you Anytime you feel danger or fear Instantly I will appear, cause"

There was dead silence in the bar as Spike was bombing big time. He stood stoic, reading the words moreso than singing them. Stake me, he thought. Stake me now and end this humiliation. And while you're at it kill Xander, who was the only one in the crowd applauding. Nonetheless Spike continued the song as his penis was on the line.

"Oh, I consent your needs Like rain on to the seeds I can make a rhyme Of confusion in your mind And when I comes down to some good old fashioned love I got it I got it I got it, got, got it, baby, baby, baby"

The strangest thing just happened.

Suddenly the two tables in the front row, the women there were sorta moving their shoulders as if they might be enjoying the performance. Spurred on by that small bit of hope, Spike put a little more rhythm to his singing, now holding the microphone a bit firmer as the song drew to a close. Yeah, maybe the women just thought he was cute and wanted to ask for his phone number, but any help was welcome to get his dick back!

"I aint braggin Cause Im the one Just ask me Ooh, and it shall be done And dont bother To compare I got it

Im every woman Im every woman"

The music ended amidst sparse applause, but the women in the front row cheered him onward. Spike sensed something growing within him. Dammit, he could pull this off. He just had to give the ladies a show. And being a showmen was something he understood very well. Sex appeal was going to work to his advantage, penis or not.

Wearing a sudden smirk the Scooby Gang didn't quite understand, Spike stood up straighter and gave his boobs a slow squeeze a couple of times, eliciting some laughter and clapping at the obvious ploy. He then sat sideways on a chair he called for exposing a ton of leg. He now had a plan and apparently the ladies attention. Thankfully, Xander and Willow had chosen the right songs to make women feel empowered, or so he hoped.

Clearing his voice, Spike called to the crowd, "My next song is by the hillbilly hick, recently divorced from a sorry rapper, mom of two who's a fan of the nose candy. Britney Spears. The song is called... oh that is so bloody dumb... 'Hit me baby one more time'." The music of the singer's first hit began to play.

"Oh baby baby, oh baby baby

Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know That something wasn't right here Oh baby baby, I shouldnt have let you go And now youre out of sight, yeah Show me how you want it to be Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because

My loneliness is killin me (and I)  
I must confess I still believe (still believe)  
When Im not with you I lose my mind Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time!"

Xander snickered, laughed, drank, cuddled his wife, and throughly enjoyed watching Spike sing this awful song. The rest of the Scoobs were getting a bit toasty as well, but most strange of all, no matter how bad the song was Spike kept touching himself on stage and making eye contact with women in the audience. He began settling down and actually trying to sing while groping himself and playing to the "ohhh's" and "awww's" of the crowd. Sure enough, he began winning them over if for no other reason than he was seemingly almost enjoying himself.

"Oh baby baby, the reason I breathe is you Boy youve got me blinded Oh pretty baby, theres nothin that I wouldnt do Thats not the way I planned it

Show me how you want it to be Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because

Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know Oh pretty baby, I shouldnt have let you go I must confess that my loneliness Is killin me now Dont you know I still believe That you will be here And give me a sign, hit me baby one more time

I must confess (my loneliness) that my loneliness (is killing me) is killing me now (I must confess) dont you (I still believe) know I still believe That you will be here (I lose my mind)  
And give me a sign.  
Hit me baby one more time!"

As the song finished the crowds smiles were infectious. Spike felt enthused over his plight instead of repulsed. Sure, the songs made about as much sense as holding an AA meeting at a bar, but he didn't care. Women were cheering and rooting for him because he gave them what they wanted. Raw sex appeal. He made sure to push his boobs out and and show as much leg as possible while winking at a few choice lovelies.

"For my next tune, its by a new group who seem to embody exactly what we all want here tonight." More cheering and applause. "Here's the Pussycat Dolls! The song is called 'Don't cha'." The music came on.

"I know you like me (I know you like me) I know you do (I know you do) Thats why whenever I come around shes all over you And I know you want it (I know you want it) It's easy to see (it's easy to see) And in the back of your mind I know you should be home with me

Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me Dont cha, dont cha Dont cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me Dont cha, dont cha

Fight the feeling (fight the feeling) Leave it alone (leave it alone) Cause if it aint love It just aint enough to leave a happy home Let's keep it friendly (let's keep it friendly) You have to play fair (you have to play fair) See, I dont care But I know she aint gon' wanna share

Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me Dont cha, dont cha , baby Dont cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me Dont cha, dont cha"

Getting drunk and waving their hands, both Dawn and Willow at this point were having a ball, while even Faith seemed to be enjoying the show despite the weirdness of it all. Buffy was trying not to smile but Spike's utterly ridiculous performance, coupled with his British accent butchering the song made it enjoyable to watch. Xander simply took it all in, and took pictures, and ordered another round of drinks. When the waitress arrived he secretly slipped a small pill in one, and then told the waitress the singer was from his table and this was her favorite drink. Please take it to her. The waitress obliged.

"I know I'm on your mind I know we'll have a good time I'm your friend I'm fun And I'm fine I aint lying Look at me, you aint blind [2x

See, I know she loves you (I know she loves you) I understand (I understand) I'd probably be just as crazy about you If you were my own man Maybe next lifetime (maybe next lifetime) Possibly (possibly) Until then, Oh friend your'e secret is safe with me

[Chorus  
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me Dont cha, dont cha Dont cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me Dont cha, dont cha"

The crowd was on Spike's side after his boisterous performance, a fact that pleased him to no end. Yes, he knew women, even lesbians. The entire bar was having a great time and so was he, oddly enough. Yeah, he needed a cigarette, but how often did droves of women scream for you when you weren't trying to kill them? And he meant that literally.

"My final song for the evening is apparently about love and written by a gay guy, no offense. Mr. Rick Astley and his 80's hit. The song is called 'Never gonna give you up." Taking the mike from the stand he walked off stage while singing to the cheering crowd. It was time to nail this performance and get his manhood back in his pants.

"Were no strangers to love You know the rules and so do i A full commitments what Im thinking of You wouldnt get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how Im feeling Gotta make you understand

never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Weve know each other for so long Your hearts been aching But youre too shy to say it Inside we both know whats been going on We know the game and were gonna play it

And if you ask me how Im feeling Dont tell me youre too blind to see"

The audience was singing the 80's cult classic with him as Spike played it to the hilt, criss-crossing the bar singing, performing like the true diva he was while the Scoobies and even Xander laughed their asses off. The song was so bad it was good.

Dawn nudged her sister again. "I think we just got Rick Roll'd?"

"And it didn't even come in an email," Buffy nodded. Then all eyes turned to Faith as she knew every word to the song, singing along with such enthusiasm they were shocked.

"I swear if any of you ever tease me about loving this song I will take a pool stick and..."

"Give you up. give you up Give you up, give you up Never gonna give Never gonna give, give you up Never gonna give Never gonna give, five you up

I just wanna tell you how Im feeling Gotta make you understand "

Taking an appreciative bow on stage, Spike smiled wide as the music faded and a kind waitress brought him a drink. He downed it while reviewing the standing ovation for his performance and as the cheering and the alcohol made him feel better, he suddenly... and I mean suddenly began to glow. Like a head to toe unnatural sort of glow that wasn't because the lighting was exceptionally good.

Spike's body began to flicker as the air flew out of the bar, replaced with stunned silence. Then with a bright burst of energy Spike was returned to his male form, standing on the stage still in his dress that no longer showed boobs, but a chiseled male chest His hair was short again and he was back to his full height.

Lifting his dress, Spike shouted at his mid-section. "MY COCK IS BACK!!!"

Chaos.

Pure chaos!

Screaming, cursing, running, pure shock erupted in seconds as the bar cleared of its patrons in mass traffic, racing from this cursed place as if their lives depended on it. All but the Scooby Gang, who remained at their table seemingly unruffled.

"Malka Solis Aroura!" Willow's spell instantly removed her drunkenness as she was tonights designated driver. "Well Spike's back to normal. Or at least whatever normal is for him."

Faith knocked back a drink someone left at another table. "Good for him. Now let's grab all this free liquor and scram."

Standing back, Xander watched Spike pumping his fist and actually thanking God while he stood there with his arms crossed and Buffy by his side. He shared a knowing grin with Willow, who he had to confide in earlier about the real cure for Spike. "This has been the best week of my life."

"Honey, you are strange sometimes. Cute, but very strange."

"I know, but you love me anyway, right?" Turning, he pulled her into his arms.

"Yeah, I kinda love you," Buffy teased before receiving a smooch.

"Good."

* * *

**Buffy and Xander Harris's apartment **

**321 Winchester Dr **

**Friday, December 9, 2005 10:30 PM **

**Cleveland, Ohio**

"Trust me, luv. This was was all a mess of a bloody misunderstanding," Spike began earnestly as he sat across from Janine Washington, Buffy's neighbor in the living room with the Slayer standing just over his shoulder. This was same neighbor he scared the living daylights out of only a few days ago when he barged in with his 'little problem'. "My sister Camille... uhm, she has a severe drug problem and buggers off all the time. She was high on a concoction of hallucinogenic drugs, human growth hormones, steroids, and had a terrible case of incurable facial acne. She was beside herself that night, ranting and raving about vampires and magic. I hope she didn't disturb you to much."

Vampires and magic didn't exist in the real world, so Janine chalked it all up to being weirded out. Seemingly judging if what he was telling her were true, she shrugged and with a smile rested a compassionate hand on Spike's knee. "Let's chalk it up to a bad night, alright? I overreacted and I'm genuinely sorry about your sister's problem. I hope she gets the help she needs."

Giving the gorgeous photo journalist a slow once over, Spike casually slid his hand over hers, giving it a non-to-subtle squeeze. "Perhaps we could discuss it further over..."

"SPIKE!" Buffy shouted slightly, smiling wide before digging her nails into the side of his neck to grab his attention. "My very happily married neighbor," she stressed, "Was gracious enough to stop by tonight so that you could explain what happened. Now thank her. It's late and I know she has to go to work in the morning."

Fearing the wrath of Buffy, Spike lifted his hand off of Janine's, stood and offered it to her. Wearing a gentlemanly smirk, he shook her hand when she stood. "Thank you, Janine. Pardon my manners. I was blinded by your captivating loveliness."

Blushing slightly, she appreciated the compliment while offering no reason for him to continue. "You're welcome. And please, all my best to your sister. I hope rehab helps her." Looking towards Buffy, she added, "And please don't think I judged you by his sister. You and Xander were the first people to befriend my husband and I when we moved in and I appreciate that so much. I hope we can get together soon for another's ladies night."

Buffy smiled the smile of a person dying for a friend who lived totally in the outside world minus any mystical or paranormal stuff. Walking around Spike she embraced her new friend, hugging tight. "How's Monday night for you? I'll call Faith, Dawn, and Willow to get them to come. I'll set out the drinks, k? We'll play poker, gossip, bitch out overpaid celebs, complain about men, and discuss fashion"  
"Well, minus the drinks," Janine's eyes sparkled mysteriously, "But Monday would be great. I couldn't think of a better way to start the week."

After another goodbye Janine left the apartment, with Buffy slowly shutting the door behind her and then leaning her back against it, sighing that she hadn't become the crazy lady of the apartment building. At least not yet. "Don't ever expect to hear this often, but thanks."

Closing in on her, Spike leered, "There are so many ways to thank me properly, Slayer."

"All would involve a stake going somewhere in your body you really don't want it to go." Brushing past him, Buffy took a seat on the arm of her couch, casting her gaze his way, hands in her lap. "This is your second chance, Spike." Upon thinking it over," she amended, "Okay, for you, probably your fourth chance, but still. You have you get your life... unlife together. You can't go around treating women any way you want and expect none of that bad karma to ever reach around and grab you by the balls. This time the karma actually took your balls away. And I know you don't want that to happen again."

Touring the living room while taking in the pictures on the walls, Spike replied, "I'll never date gypsy sisters again, okay mom?"

Rolling her eyes, Buffy tried to do him a favor. "Things have changed for everyone, Spike," she began. "We've lost friends and family that we will never get back. Angel's regained his humanity, Faith and I have retired and I'm married. The Watcher's Council has merged with the Witches Coven and Giles is overseas running the whole show. Sunnydale sank into the ground. You need to wake up and smell the coffee."

"I don't drink coffee, luv."

"Fine, beer."

"What brand?"

"Dammit, Spike. You get my drift, now act like it." Sighing, Buffy continued as her patience wore thin. "Its time you stop slutting your way across the globe getting drunk all the time and do something meaningful with your life. You've done it before and I know you can again."

"Slayer, what do you expect of me?" Spike lifted a piercing gaze to her, serious for the moment. "I can't do this," his hands conveyed about her apartment. "I'm not gonna find some lovely lass and settle down to make nice-nice. That's not me. Not after all this time... and all I've done."

"I'm not telling you to do what I did or anyone else. But if you don't know what you want to do then at least do something meaningful for now. Take up Giles on his offer to work for him. Help people protect the world for a while and make the most of your life until you decide what you want to do. But stop screwing everything up. We're not going to bail you out every time you make a mess of your life."

"You make it sound so easy," he noted, sitting across from her now. "I don't want to help people."

"Fine, but you don't want to kill them either. Not anymore or you would be doing it already."

"So slutting around doesn't sound so bad."

"Its a waste of time," Buffy told him without a hint of amusement. "You changed over the years since you arrived in Sunnydale. And while you're not a good guy, you're not terrible anymore either. But you have no life. No friends and no one to love." She watched him tense slightly, his jaw tightened. "So until you figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life why not try something that will actually have meaning? Take the job, help train Slayers and see how that makes you feel. Try something different for once without being forced to by a chip or being all ghost like. You just might find your way."

She actually cared enough to say these things to him. And in some ways it was more special than any sexual encounter they had ever had. This was, after all, sincere. "No promises, but I'll talk to Mr. Tweed Coat."

Nodding, Buffy offered a small expression of warmth. "Deal." Footsteps approached and Xander bounded out of the bedroom, his car keys in hand. "What's the word?"

Smooching his wife's cheek, Xander said, "The plane's fueled and ready to take Spike away. Now whether it lands in Europe, Antarctica, or crashes in the Bermuda Triangle is anybodies guess."

"As usual your humor eludes me," Spike groaned while walking towards the door. "Buffy, luv, it's been a pleasure. And while your taste in men has taken a horrible downturn..."

"At least I'm breathing, former he/she person. And I've never had sex with a plastic doll. So ha!. Ha, I say!"

Spike wanted to bite him so bad. But he felt Xander's blood was tainted with loser. Then again, the Slayer stroking his hand had to count for something. "I'll be in the car, you ninny. And for the record I hope you get hit by a truck. A really big smell garbage truck. Oh, and die. That would be nice too."

With those parting words Spike exited the apartment, leaving Buffy and Xander alone.

"Sadly, my dear," Xander sat on the couch and pulled his wife in his lap, wrapping her in his arms. "I must drive the jerk to the airport hanger across town so that he might leave us at last."

Kissing his temple, Buffy tapped his cheek. "Don't think I didn't notice that small pill you dropped in Spike's drink at the club." His expression didn't waver, although his lips curled slightly. "I had a feeling those trials were made up as they were immature, cruel, and mean."

"He had it coming."

"True, bit still. Next time clue me in on your plot. I could have added something cool too."

"Okay, next time you'll be my partner in crime." Leaning in he kissed her softly, caressing her thigh while loving her lips. "How's my favorite Slayer?"

"Munchie hungry again," Buffy detailed. "I have a severe case of the munchies and I need some ice cream. Pick up some Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice cream while you're out."

"Okay. Anything for my hot honey."

"And some deli sliced roast beef."

"At nearly midnight?"

"And some V-8 juice."

"Buffy, you must think I really love you to drive around at this time of night searching for all that stuff?"

"I already know you love me and can find all of that stuff at a 7-11. Now go before Spike does something else crazy." Another kiss and he was on his way, waving goodbye before walking out the door.

Stretching her arms about, Buffy yawned as the day was finally at an end. She began walking towards her bedroom before a knock came at her front door. She thought of grabbing her purse and a sword, as per Xander's belief why anyone would come to their house after 11:00 PM. But once she glanced through the peephole she saw Janine again.

Opening the door, Buffy smiled. "Hey you."

"Hey, Buffy. Sorry to come back so soon, but my husband and I are planning a party two weeks from today and we wanted to invite you and Xander and all your friends."

"Oh that sounds great. Of course we'll be there and bring drinks. By the way, want a night cap?"

Smiling happily, Janine shook her head. "Normally I would, but uhm. Well, I received a bit of unexpected but really good news a two days ago." Feeling as though she were about to burst with joy, she declared. "I'm pregnant."

"Oh Janine," Buffy sighed, hugging her new friend close as they enjoyed the moment. "I'm so happy for you and the hubby. Congratulations."

"Thanks." Peering just over Buffy's shoulder, Janine caught sight of the very interesting light on the inn table. "The design of that light is so different and exotic. Would you mind if I took a look at it?"

Forever looking for a reason to discuss her special light, Buffy stepped aside as Janine strolled by. "The funny thing about that light is..."

And then Buffy stooped cold.

And didn't say a word.

Or blink.

For like thirty seconds.

Janine...

Janine Washington, the brunette was touching her light and it lit up bright. Just like when Buffy touched it.

Neither Spike, nor Xander, Oz, Willow, Faith, Dawn, the UPS delivery lady or the old lady down the hall with nine cats could make the light come on simply by touching it.

But Janine could.

Pregnant...

JANINE WAS PREGNANT!

Which could only mean one inescapable truth!

"Janine, you're a real blond, aren't you?"

"Uhm, nope. Natural brunette. Why?"

"Shit!" Buffy chanted as she sat down slowly, her hand coming to rest over her belly. "Oh boy... or girl."

* * *

**Chapter 5 preview: Two unexpected events occur in the next chapter. One joyous and one terrible. **

**Also be on the lookout for "NightFall" my first Buffy comic universe BX story as well as the long awaited "Mortal Sins" AU crime novel.**


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